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Archive for April, 2010

Home improvement needs improvement

Posted in Random, tagged , , on April 14, 2010| 4 Comments »

Why are home improvement projects always so fraught with disaster?

Take our back door, for example. It was supposed to be a simple matter of replacing the old door because the bottom had rusted. But Lowe’s ordered the wrong size, something you don’t really know until you get it home. Maybe their slogan should be “Let’s Build Something Together, But We Won’t Really Help You At All. So Really,  You Should Build Something Alone.”

So Eddie placed it temporarily in the frame, and went to call Lowe’s to complain and reorder the right size. And this is what happened:

That’s $250 in shards.

Today, we had to get an electrician to come over to help us with our outdoor lighting. The geniuses hired by the previous owners had simply buried the electrical cable in a shallow grave. Lightning likes electrical wires. So that was the end of the outdoor lighting.

Eddie had to buy PVC pipe and new, thicker cable, and then dig up the back yard to bury the new cable. And he promptly hit an irrigation pipe.

And so the electrician is here. I’m looking through the back door, and I see plenty of frowning. There’s some pointing and gesturing. And now Eddie and the electrician are digging. That can’t be good.

Update: The electrician said, “Let there be light.” And there was. And it was good.

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New cast members

Posted in Chickens, tagged , , , , , , , on April 12, 2010| 6 Comments »

I hadn’t planned on it when I woke up, or even thought about it during most of the day. But at 4:30 this afternoon, I decided I needed to get new chickens.

Jeanne and Shelly are Araucanas (blue eggs!) and came from Economy Feed and Seed on Carolan Street. Originally, Shelly was going to be named “Patty,” as a nod to Patricia (otherwise known as Trish the Chicken’s namesake), and Gideon wanted the other to be named “Mike.” (Why? I don’t know.) But “Patty and Mike” just didn’t sound right. And naming one “Mike” would ensure we would end up with an unexpected rooster.

I named our previous chickens after live people, and they ended up dead. So this time, I named them after dead people in the hope that the chickens will stay alive. Shelly was Trish’s mom, and Jeanne was mine.

The boys and I are excited.Eddie has registered his concern and dismay. Noted. And obviously ignored. (Sorry, Sweetie!)

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Rocky Mountain high

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , on April 10, 2010| 3 Comments »

This was SCAD’s first year at the AWP conference, and it was a success. Dr. Lough (my department chair) and I talked to dozens of people about the SCAD program — many of whom did not even know we offered writing as a major. And we tried to ignore the rampant pretentiousness inherent in writing conferences (especially one filled with academics).

We even managed to fit in some sightseeing. He took me to Boulder, which is where he grew up. Here he is in his natural habitat:

Dr. James Lough, Boulder, Colorado

And here are the Flatirons (photo taken around the corner from his old house).

Flatirons, Boulder, Colorado

In Boulder, he showed me the house they used for the exterior of “Mork & Mindy.”

"Mork & Mindy" house

And — from whimsy to the grisly — the house where little JonBenét Ramsey was murdered.

Ramsey house

Today, a tour of Denver, complete with this gem:

"Non Hippy Bus," driver's side

The sign in the window in the photo below says “Non Hippy Bus.” For real.

"Non Hippy Bus," passenger's side

All of this was lovely, but I’m ready to go home. Here is what I missed:

Gideon and Dominic

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An AP abuse alarm

Posted in Grammar, etc., tagged , on April 8, 2010| 2 Comments »

A news organization’s improper use of AP Style is apparently enough to get me out of bed earlier than planned.

I checked my iPhone when I woke up, as is my habit, and found this:

It is from the Savannah Morning News, of course. And the person who posted it on the Web probably just cut and pasted from a press release. But that person should have copy edited the entry (and the person who wrote the release also should use AP Style, as it is what media folks use). Here is what I would have done:

As I’ve said before, the Web deserves copy editing too.

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I’m talking to you, 27B

Posted in Random, tagged , , on April 7, 2010| 7 Comments »

You, madam, are a bitch. There is no other way to put it. You pushed your way down the aisle to get to your seat as if someone had plans to snatch it. You didn’t want to let me into my seat, which was, unfortunately, 27A.

You read the paper with your spidery hand extended very near my face. You sighed loudly at the things you read, made clucking noises, and laughed loudly — all without acknowledging there were other humans near you. You ignored me, which was fine because I am not a flight chatter, but I sensed contempt.

I tried not to touch your leathery, chapped elbow as you took up more than your share of armrest. I pretended I was on a recliner in first class. Alone.

When we landed, you leaped into the aisle like you were Maurren Higa Maggi. I never expected that someone of your advanced age could be so spry.

But you still had to wait to get off the plane, just like everyone else. And you are still a bitch.

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Upgrade confirmed

Posted in Random, tagged on April 7, 2010| 6 Comments »

I am on my way to the AWP conference in Denver. My boss, James Lough, Ph.D., and I will meet and mingle with other writers and professors, and talk to folks about SCAD. I’ve never been to the AWP conference, so I’m pretty excited.

I love traveling in general. I’ll go anywhere, anytime. I don’t love packing (and unpacking), though. It makes me cranky.

I love airports and flying. I don’t love road trips, especially ones that require me to drive.

I love watching fools at airports. I don’t love when these fools are in front of me in any kind of queue. Like the mother and son in front of me in the security line.

I am the best person to be behind in the security line. I wear slip-off shoes, pants that don’t need a belt, and toiletries are in a bag and on the conveyor belt before you can blink.

The pair in front of me may never hve been in an airport before. Their carry-on bags were filled with a Macy’s-worth of cologne/perfume, hair products and lotions — all loose in the bags. Everything they had on was metal. I half expected the woman to take off her leg after her fourth failed attempt to pass through the scanner.

But I love traveling, so I smiled my most benevolent smile and waited patiently. And tried not to think about my bare feet sucking up all the germs from the floor.

And now my germs and I are in first class, and life is very good.

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Concept vs. reality

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , on April 5, 2010| Leave a Comment »

It seems so idyllic: A mother helps her young children color eggs for Easter. And this is a happy-looking scene:

The reality is that this was one of the only peaceful moments. For 95 percent of the afternoon, it was a cacophony.

“Mama! He’s got my crayon!”

“I wanted the blue!”

“Get your egg out of there!”

“Stop slinging the dye!” (OK, that was me.)

And I also had to explain what the Easter Bunny has to do with Jesus. Like Christmas, Easter is a holiday of mixed messages: “Eat candy and think about Jesus.” Kids are right: It doesn’t make any sense. But as adults, we kind of go along with it.

I wasn’t going to give them Easter baskets because my kids don’t need candy. Don’t say, “Aww, that’s mean,” unless you know them. And if you know them, you wouldn’t say it. I caved and made small ones for them. Shortly after they hunted those slimy eggs and tore into the baskets, I regretted my decision. Their shrieks nearly made my ears bleed and their playroom looked like a Toys R Us had exploded.

I may have gone a little berserk. I may have smashed one of their toy guitars like I was Pete Townshend. I may not invite the Easter Bunny over again.

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Add homonym

Posted in Grammar, etc., tagged , , , , on April 2, 2010| 4 Comments »

I just read a newsletter that featured the word “complementary” (an accompaniment) when the writer really meant “complimentary” (free or offering praise). Many people have a problem with those words, and other homonyms. So let me explain.

Homonym: umbrella category for words that sound the same or are spelled the same.

Fuzzy Wuzzy (Wuz a Bear)Homograph: words that are spelled the same and sometimes sound the same, but have different meanings

Examples: bear (to carry)/bear (Fuzzy Wuzzy)  and wind (air)/wind (crank)

Homophone: words that sound the same, may be spelled the same, but have different meanings

Examples: they’re/their/there and you’re/your and bear/bear from above. Bear/bear is a homophone and a homograph.

Easy way to remember:

HOMO (same) + PHONE (sound) and HOMO (same) + GRAPH (writing)

OK, now it might get confusing. Also under the homonym umbrella are heteronym and heterograph.

Heteronym: words that are spelled the same, but have different pronunciations and meanings. Notice this is the same definition as “homograph.” “Heteronym” is a subset of “homograph,” which is a subset of “homonym.” Heteronyms are always pronounced differently.

Example: wind (air)/wind (crank) — this is both a homograph and a heteronym

Heterograph: pronounced the same, but spelled differently. Notice this is the same definition as “homophone.””Heterograph” is a subset of “homophone,” which is a subset of “homonym.” Heterographs always have different spellings and meanings.

Example: you (gentle reader)/ewe (lady sheep) and bare (nekkid)/bear (aforementioned Fuzzy).

Luckily, there is no such thing as a heterophone to confuse the matter any further.

Here’s a Venn diagram of the above for you visual folks.

Venn diagram by Will Heltsley

The only problem is that the diagram makes it look like homonyms are only words that are both homophones and homographs. Homonyms are really the whole shebang.

And that’s different from “ad hominem,” which is a logical fallacy that is an argument against a person.

Sigh.

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The real April fool

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on April 1, 2010| Leave a Comment »

I’m not a fan of April Fool’s Day. I think I have a good sense of humor, but I don’t think pranks are funny.

If someone is going to be a fool, then I hope there is a camera around to capture it (I am the target audience for America’s Funniest Home Videos and the like).  But I don’t like pranks because I feel sorry for the victim, and it is really the prankster who looks the fool.

Maybe it is the role of the prankster to put life in perspective with humor, but this party pooper thinks there are better ways. Harumph.

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