Dear Universal Studios:
My family and I visited one of your parks today: Islands of Adventure. You have many rules. I hope I can remember some key ones:
1. It’s OK to buy beer at 8 a.m. at the Hog’s Head in the Harry Potter area. It is NOT OK for one person to carry two beers, even if the other adult is carrying a tray filled with $80 worth of food for the rest of the family.
2. It’s OK to take off your shoes to ride the dragon ride. It’s NOT OK to give those shoes to a non-rider. You must put those shoes behind your back on the ride so that they perforate a kidney.
3. It’s OK to buy your oldest child’s weight in Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans. It’s NOT OK to try to ship those beans back to your resort with the other items you bought because those jelly beans are “unsealed.”
4. It’s OK for you to take your sandals off on the Bilge Rat Barges and put this water-resistant footwear in the center console to stay dry. It is NOT OK to put sneakers and socks in there, ever. (You keep your shoes on, sir!)
5. It’s OK to be an adult on the kiddie merry-go-round in Seuss Landing. It’s NOT OK for you to be an adult and NOT WEAR THE SAFETY BELT — MY GOD, MAN, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!? No one cares if your feet can touch the ground.
6. It’s OK to exceed a weight limit for bikinis and mankinis in the pool at your home resort. It’s NOT OK to throw a football. (What were you thinking?) You can throw your 50-pound child 10 feet in the air, but you cannot throw a Nerf product. Ever. No, sir.
I think those are the major rules, yes? I just want to get it right. Please don’t have your high school SWAT team yell at me any more.
Sincerely,
Beth (a season pass holder)
Observe and report 