Archive for May, 2014

20140509-213025.jpgDear Universal Studios:

My family and I visited one of your parks today: Islands of Adventure. You have many rules. I hope I can remember some key ones:

1. It’s OK to buy beer at 8 a.m. at the Hog’s Head in the Harry Potter area. It is NOT OK for one person to carry two beers, even if the other adult is carrying a tray filled with $80 worth of food for the rest of the family.

2. It’s OK to take off your shoes to ride the dragon ride. It’s NOT OK to give those shoes to a non-rider. You must put those shoes behind your back on the ride so that they perforate a kidney.

3. It’s OK to buy your oldest child’s weight in Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans. It’s NOT OK to try to ship those beans back to your resort with the other items you bought because those jelly beans are “unsealed.”


4. It’s OK for you to take your sandals off on the Bilge Rat Barges and put this water-resistant footwear in the center console to stay dry. It is NOT OK to put sneakers and socks in there, ever. (You keep your shoes on, sir!)

5. It’s OK to be an adult on the kiddie merry-go-round in Seuss Landing. It’s NOT OK for you to be an adult and NOT WEAR THE SAFETY BELT — MY GOD, MAN, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!? No one cares if your feet can touch the ground.

6. It’s OK to exceed a weight limit for bikinis and mankinis in the pool at your home resort. It’s NOT OK to throw a football. (What were you thinking?) You can throw your 50-pound child 10 feet in the air, but you cannot throw a Nerf product. Ever. No, sir.

I think those are the major rules, yes? I just want to get it right. Please don’t have your high school SWAT team yell at me any more.

Beth (a season pass holder)

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Dear Facebook Friends:

I’m putting you on notice: I will no longer cringe silently and restrain myself from correcting you when you misuse the word “I.” I will now note the correction in the comments to your post.

It’s public shaming, I know, but you have to learn. I don’t know how you missed this in school, but I’m going to help you.

Use “I” when you are the subject of the sentence. Use “me” when you are the object.

Correct sentence: Eddie and I went to Tennessee.
Incorrect sentence: This is a photo of Eddie and I in Johnson City.
(Test: Take out “Eddie and.” It sounds stupid, right?)
Correct sentence: Eddie told Linda and me to stop playing Candy Crush.
Incorrect sentence: Eddie told Linda and I to stop playing Candy Crush right now and he means it, by golly!
(Test: Take out “Linda and.” More stupidity.)

This may be painful for some of you. I promise it is for your own good.

You’ve been warned.


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