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Archive for March, 2021

Dear Zack Snyder:

Herds of people are celebrating your version of “Justice League.” That’s great for you. (I still don’t understand why it had to be four hours, but good for you and your “vision.”)

I did not watch the Joss Whedon version. My family invited me, but I declined.

Considering the fact that I fell asleep during “Batman v. Superman” and the last installment of the Bale Batman series, I thought it would be a pricey nap.

I’m just a Marvel kind of gal.

Why?

  1. The characters are more interesting.
  2. The story arcs make more sense.
  3. There’s humor.
  4. I’m never bored.

Before your fans come after me with torches, let me just say that these are all just my opinions. I realize that there are DC diehards. To each his own.

But I had planned to give your version a go because people I like and respect liked it.

I had not planned to be forced to watch it after a long day of driving and this adult Capri Sun.

But Dominic insisted.

After the first five minutes featured yelling only, I knew this was not the movie for me.

Me: How long does this screaming last?
Dominic: [lengthy plot explanation]
Me: I don’t want to know the plot. I’m watching it. I should be able just to watch this movie without back story.

How have I seen loads of DC movies and never seen/heard of Steppenwolf (the hammerhead supervillain made of what looks like razor blades)? Was I napping?

Why is Wonder Woman wearing a club dress to work?

Why does Aquaman even bother with shirts if he’s just going to leave them littering beaches?

I made it 38 minutes before I settled in for my DC nap.

You know it’s bad when Jason Momoa doesn’t hold my interest.

Even Eddie, who likes DC movies, was forced to watch it alone after three other people fell asleep on him twice.

This morning, Dominic made me watch the Flash scene where he saves Iris. Yes, it was cute. This is a good version of Flash. Also the comic relief. And I like Batfleck. (But he’s no Keaton.)

Still.

Four hours? Six chapters plus an epilogue? Lord.

But you know what? My opinion doesn’t matter. You have three fans IN MY OWN HOUSE to counteract me.

So good for you, and I wish you all the best. You seem like a really nice guy.

And maybe I’ll try again some other time.

Sincerely,
Beth

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Dear Mom of College Friend (and anyone else who shared this meme),

Most of the time, I scroll on past all the crazy things you post. I was taught to respect my elders, so I don’t want to call you out.

But I have thoughts about this meme.

  1. I wrote a whole post about false equivalency. Please read it.
  2. I know that the meme is comparing these two because of their beef, but Cardi B is an entertainer. Candace Owens is not.
  3. It is possible that young girls can idolize both, and also various other public figures as well as people in their own lives.
  4. We need to normalize black and brown people in positions of power. It shouldn’t be EITHER Cardi B OR Candace Owens.
  5. Why is this a left/right thing?

I know you and loads of your kind (aka white Boomers) are clutching your pearls over Cardi B’s Grammy performance and the song in general.

I have thoughts about that too:

  1. I bet you didn’t even watch. Your friends and people on chosen news outlets (i.e., Owens) told you that you should be wound up.
  2. If you did watch and were offended, you could have turned it off.
  3. It should not be considered offensive to celebrate female sexuality. (I got into it at Christmas over “WAP” vs. “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”)

All of this is so silly to me. All my life, I’ve heard older people lose their minds about music, video games, books and whatnot having a negative impact on children.

You know who should be worried about children? Their parents. Period.

I’m far from perfect, but I do frankly address topics like sex, drugs, etc., with my boys. I’d rather they hear the truth from me, as uncomfortable as it may be for them and for me.

So stop worrying about what other people and their children are/are not doing, and mind your own business.

Also, perhaps consider getting out of the meme game.

Sincerely,
Your daughter’s friend

*People actually complained to the FCC about the performance. Get a grip! It’s the Grammys. What do you expect? Everyone knew Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion were going to perform. Just change the channel if you don’t like it.

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Dear People With Normal Human Eyes,

Remember I said I needed glasses almost all the time?

Well, I don’t need glasses to see certain things.

For those things, I’m apparently the ONLY one who can see them.

It’s like my mom superpower.

Here are some of the things only I can see:

Ramen in the sink.

Remains of ramen in a pot.

A measuring cup that won’t get clean.

That there’s no cheese in this container.

The green light on the washer indicating clothes are done.

That the recycling bin is full.

I should feel powerful with all this magical sight.

But I actually feel drained.

Tell me: Can you see these things with your normal human eyes? Or am I really that special?

Yours truly,
Hawkeye

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At least my footwear is fancy.

Dear COVID-19,

We’ve been living with you for about a year. You’re a terrible roommate. You’ve affected the health of 115 million people, killing 2.56 million of us.

You’ve negatively affected almost everyone’s mental health. (I’d like to meet someone who has not been affected.)

I know you’ve affected mine. I’m an extrovert who likes to travel, so …

Here is the truth:

I am not an indoor cat.

I never wanted to be a housewife.

I did not choose to be a stay-at-home mom.

I think it is important to be honest about the situation you’ve put us in. We all tend to put a brave face on things, but let’s not.

Let’s pull back the curtain to see the man behind it.

Things I’ve normalized that I do not want to have normalized:

  • Doing laundry on my lunch break.
  • Wearing glasses almost always because of all the screen time I’ve had this year.
  • Putting on eye makeup if going out, but not lipstick.
  • Putting on lipstick if staying in, but not eye makeup. (No one can tell behind the glasses from Point 2.)
  • Wearing pants without zippers.
  • Accepting slippers as my primary footwear.
  • Understanding that I will have a harder time finding energy on cloudy days.
  • Recognizing that a change of scenery means answering emails from the kitchen instead of the living room.
  • Lamenting the lack of privacy. (High school from home for the boys = I’m never alone!)
  • Having to look at my phone to figure out what day it is.
  • Sitting all day.
  • Not seeing people in human form.

These are small issues compared to loss of life noted above, but they are still issues.

The bottom line: It’s not fun to have you around.

It’s time for you to leave.

As they say in the South, “Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.”

Sincerely,
Beth (and everyone else in the world)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dear Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen,

One of your songs came on the radio, and I immediately changed the channel.

I mean no disrespect. I’m just not a fan.

I know, I know: I’m an American, so I’m supposed to love you and your music.

I don’t. I can live without hearing one of your songs ever again.

There is a whole list of singers/bands who fall into that category for me:

Bruce Hornsby and The Range
Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band
The Grateful Dead
Chicago
Joe Cocker
Don Henley
The Cars
George Thorogood
Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
Steely Dan
The Eagles
The Doobie Brothers

It’s a theme I’ll call “Americana.”

But Cheap Trick? Boston? Blue Öyster Cult? Hell yes.

Look. Listen. I can’t explain my taste.

I can live without “folksy” folks too:

4 Non Blondes
Indigo Girls
Bob Dylan

Good LORD: I cannot STAND Bob Dylan.

I’m sorry. I feel guilty. I feel like I have to turn in my “American” card (which, by the way, I have been tempted to do by things other than music).

Keep on rocking, just not within my earshot.
Beth

 

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Dear @adampocalypse,

I’m very sorry my public reply to your public question to AITA on Twitter upset you so much that you blocked me.

I’ve never been blocked before — not to my knowledge, anyway.

Maybe you block people regularly, so you don’t remember our exchange.

(And if you do block people regularly, perhaps you should stay off Twitter. Or stop commenting on tweets from popular accounts.)

To remind you, @AITA_reddit posted a selection involving a grown woman whose teenaged boys were mortified by her One Direction decor in one of the bathrooms.

As a mother of teenaged boys, and as someone who loves One Direction, I was interested in the post and fully on her side (as most people were).

But there’s always one person who wants to make it awkward.

That person was you.

It seemed like quite a leap from liking a band to being a pedophile. I’m shocked 584 people implied they agreed with you.

I was compelled to respond. (Because of course I was.) But I wasn’t the only one.

1. Target sold these candles.
2. I guarantee you that most moms of teenaged boys are not into thinking sexually about teenaged boys. They are gross.
3. Yes, I know some women do. That’s gross too. And, thankfully, not that common.

I think you are too sensitive to be on a public forum. You also seem to be projecting.

I am a middle-aged woman who thinks Harry Styles is very cute. He does not meet the age requirement (half my age plus seven) for naughtiness, and also, HE’S A CELEBRITY I’LL NEVER MEET.

Harry IS dating an older woman in the age-gap allowance (Olivia Wilde), so good for her.

(Side note on the age thing: I’m very excited to know that I can date all those hot middle-aged men when I’m 80. Cougaring FTW!)

When my aforementioned teenaged boys were young, they liked to watch iCarly. So I watched too. I thought Freddie Benson was adorable, but I did not want to sleep with him.

Now?

Hello, Freddie!

But no. Still not in the acceptable range. (Also, I’m married. Hi, Eddie!)

My point?

You can think someone is cute and not want to groom them for sex.

Just because a grown woman likes a boy band does not mean she is a pedophile.

I’m sorry if that’s hard for you to believe. And that, sadly, says more about your life.

I’m sorry my response upset you enough for you to block me. You didn’t need to worry, though: I had not planned on having any subsequent interaction with you.

May your future responses to @AITA_reddit bring you more peace, joy and solidarity than this one.

Sincerely,
@BethCon5

*I’m apparently a mean girl, so this works.

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