Archive for July, 2019

Dear Dominic,


You’ve been so great for the past few weeks. Why did you have to ruin it?

I woke you up yesterday at 10:30 because our friend Harry was taking us on his boat. Let me remind you of our conversation, as your memory is trash.

Me: “Get up. We’re leaving to go on Harry’s boat in an hour. You need to get breakfast and get all these clothes off the floor.”

You (loud): “Why do we have to go? I don’t want to go! Can’t just you and Gideon go?” (Insert more bitching.)

Me: “Do you realize how stupid you sound? You are mad that I’m trying to get you to go on a boat on Lake Lanier, possibly even go water skiing! What’s wrong with you?”

(Side note: Eddie is out of town.)

This is what’s wrong with you: You don’t get enough sleep.

Once you got a few snacks in you, you were fine.

(Side note 2: Why do you have to eat like a savage?)

And that gave you enough strength to go water skiing.

I know you were sorry you acted like such a butthole, because later, when we were swimming, you would not leave Harry and me alone. You were all up in our conversation.

Harry and I have been friends for 27 years. We have things to discuss that don’t concern you.

So next time, could you PLEASE save your anger and drama for AFTER you see if you hate the activity?

Your aggravated mother

* Nod to Guns N’ Roses

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Dear Cellairis Amphitheatre at Lakewood:

I had never visited you before last night, but I’m old enough to remember when you were just the Lakewood Amphitheater — much less fancy, and inexplicably easier to get to via public transportation.

(Side note: What is Cellairis? A constellation? Anxiety drug? Wiener go-go juice?)

Anyway, a $20 ticket special for Nelly, TLC and Flo Rida was enough to get me off my couch and onto your lawn — with the kids even.

However, when the first cloud of weed smoke wafted over, I began to question my parenting choices.

I’m not the only one who should question choices.

Take, for example, this scene:

Let’s break this down.

In blue, a gaggle of girls in Uniform 1.

In red, a gaggle in Uniform 2.

In green, the one dork they brought along to be their Snap photographer.

They didn’t even talk to each other. Or listen to the music. They just took photos for 30 minutes.

And let’s talk about the booze. Everything seemed sold out in the concession area, but you could buy plenty on the lawn.

Anyway, Nelly was great, and helped me redeem myself with Dominic, who thought I was dragging him to a country concert. (He’s lazy, I’ve told you. Too lazy to Google, apparently.)

But my main interest was TLC. T-Boz and Chilli have still got it, from what I could tell. (Your acoustics made them sound like they were singing out of a portable speaker at a pool party.)

Once we heard “Waterfalls,” we bounced — along with hundreds of other ’90s music lovers who had to work the next day.

So thanks for an entertaining night. It’s unlikely I’ll be back. I guess I just prefer smaller, more intimate venues.

It’s not you; it’s me.


Your friend,

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Dear Dominic:

Your time with the ingrates camp children changed you for the better. Thank GOD.

For one thing, it taught you a little responsibility.

It also taught you a wee bit of patience. For example, renewing your passport took nearly two hours.

To your credit, you bore it better than I did.

And as a reward to both of us, we greased up at The Varsity.

(Absolutely not on my diet. Totally worth it.)

And then last night you snuggled up to me while we were watching “Stranger Things.” I was startled, to say the least. And I was afraid to snuggle back for fear you’d retreat. Trying to love you is like trying to feed a feral cat: I have to be patient and let you come to me.

You didn’t even mock me for declaring my love for Steve, single mother of five.

We haven’t argued in weeks. It’s some kind of record.

I’m not complaining.

In fact, I’m pretty damn happy.

Keep up the good work.



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Dear Kaiser Permanente:

I’m going to have to ask you to GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER.

It does not appear to me that you are doing what you need to do to ensure all records are accurate and in one place.

I submit as evidence Exhibit A:

That letter is not the problem (except that you did say you would CALL me, not send a letter).

The problem is this: I received that missive on the same day I received Exhibit B:

So how did I get the results of a mammogram that you think I didn’t schedule?

I also submit Exhibit C, a voicemail from one of your people:

Great customer service, no? No. This was a message for Eddie — one of four messages, two in one day — about his knee surgery. It was left on my phone, despite the fact that I have given you Eddie’s number at least a dozen times.

So, I’m left thinking you have filled your offices with ineptitude.

Please reevaluate your procedures and paper trail.


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