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Dear People of Collinsville,

I attended your annual International Horseradish Festival this year. Those who know me know that I love a niche festival. Grilled cheese, nations, beer, onions, rednecks, rattlesnakes — you name some weird focus, and you can count me in.

So attending this festival was a no-brainer. I put it on my calendar this time last year after I realized (to my dismay) that I had missed it.

A quick drive across the Mighty Mississippi, and I was in your thriving metropolis.

“Thriving.”

Granted, it was the first day of the festival, but I assumed there would be more.

More of everything, but especially HORSERADISH.

I saw more on the drive in than I did at the festival!

This was the ONLY VENDOR selling horseradish products:

And this was the only one with plants:

You know what the festival DID have, though?

Funnel cakes and corn dogs
Turkey legs and tractors

As well it should.

It also had interesting information about the spicy root.

And town info.

Tom Petty night! I might be back for Rockabilly.

Still, I was … underwhelmed. I was in and out in fewer than 30 minutes.

Maybe I just needed to schedule my visit around the Root Toss or the Bloody Mary Contest or Root Grinding. In that case, I apologize for judging you harshly.

Good luck with future festivals!
Beth

* I know, I know. I can’t help it.

Hi everyone!

It may or may not be a surprise, but Dominic made it to and through graduation.

During COVID, he just checked out of school. (Let’s be honest: He wasn’t exactly a star student before COVID either.) He just wouldn’t turn things in. He’d procrastinate until the very end then scrape by.

“So what are his plans now?”

Many, many people have asked. If I had a dollar for every time … well, you know.

I understand that it comes from a place of genuine curiosity, but I really am tired of saying, “I don’t know.”

I don’t know because Dominic doesn’t know.

He’s in teenage limbo where he has not yet found his passion and purpose.

I always knew what I wanted to do. I’ve always had a plan. I am not the kind of person who drifts through life.

But some people are, and that’s fine. He’s one of them. I’m not trying to impose my will on him.

He might work for a year.

He might go to college.

He might go into the military.

His friends know what they are going to do, and that adds pressure.

He’ll figure it out. The frontal lobe is still developing.

In the meantime, at least he’s passed this milestone. I’m proud of him.

And I’m as interested as everyone else in what’s next.

Beth

Dear Tracy and Brian,

Just when I had about given up on humanity, you came along.

Even during a time of personal grief, you did the most lovely thing.

You gifted a stranger VIP tickets to Shaky Knees.

I hate that you experienced a loss. I hate that you had to cancel your trip to Atlanta for Brian’s birthday celebration, and thus the stay you booked in my Airbnb. But instead of reselling the wristbands, you (amazingly) sent them to me.

I will be honest here: I had never been to a multistage music festival.

Given my love of live music, it’s really surprising.

I’ve seen “Trainwreck: Woodstock 99.” That’s like “Halloween” (i.e., a horror movie) to me.

But your generosity pushed me out of my comfort zone.

My friend Jennifer was up for the adventure.

I really didn’t know what to expect, besides lots of music and people.

Lovejoy on the main stage: Peachtree.
Here’s Spacey Jane at the Piedmont Stage.
Illuminati Hotties at the Criminal Records Stage.

And among 40K people, what is the chance I would run into someone I know?

Very high, apparently.

Look: It’s Renee and Brian! Renee and I worked together in Atlanta.
The swanky wristband had many perks.

One of the biggest perks to me was the use of air-conditioned bathrooms in an RV-type structure. No porta potty for this lady!

Another perk: Free beer and water.

You know what else was free? People watching.

Let me say that I have mad respect for people wearing whatever the hell they want to wear.

Unlike this brave girl, however, I prefer to keep my bum covered unless I’m at the beach. And even then not so much.

I enjoyed seeing a medley of concert and other kinds of T-shirts. This one was my favorite:

I also loved that parents brought their older children (12-16 or so). As someone who indoctrinated exposed her children to music early on, I approve. (My kids’ first concert was The Police.)

Jennifer and I packed in as many bands as we could.

Be Your Own Pet
Cypress Hill
Rickshaw Billie’s Burger Patrol
Joey Valence & Brae
The Front Bottoms
Trash Panda

All put on a good show. And I know most people were there to see Muse, The Lumineers, Hozier and The Killers.

People love The Killers.

But I was there to see two artists:

Peaches, in all her weird envelope-pushing glory (Yes, that’s an outfit featuring many breasts)
And Tenacious D

Those two made the festival worth it for me.

Though I’m not a fan of crowds, everyone was well-behaved.

We had a great time!

So thank you for your generosity.

I hope you will be able to make the trip next year. And if you do, I owe you a deep discount on your stay.

Thanks again!

Your new friend,
Beth

Y’all.

I’ve mentioned before how much I love the Next Door app.

I cannot get enough of the petty drama. Just look:

Lord have mercy. These PEOPLE.

But I am HERE for it.

And for what it is worth, I’m Team Heather.

Dear Readers,

I know I haven’t posted in a while. There’s plenty going on, but I’m not processing it through writing at the moment.

I DID want to share a bit of my day today, though.

A former work friend was in town, and we went to a place I had never been before:

Das Bevo.

Yes, that’s a windmill. In the middle of St. Louis.
With a biergarten.
And taxidermy.
Taxidermy aplenty.
Plus a massive fireplace.
And murals.
And a chandelier in a really strange place upstairs.
Along with a display case of sharp things.
And a vanity?!?
And whatever this horrifying effigy is.

Naturally, I loved it. I’ve been meaning to go, and I finally got the chance.

I’ll be back in writing action again soon, I hope.

Love,
Beth

Dear Dominic and Gideon,

Thanks for inviting me to your most-recent game. It was nice to see you two playing on a team together for the first time in about 13 years.

But the sport?

I don’t understand.

Your father played and coached basketball. You are both 6’2″ and could be good at basketball.

But no. You chose something else: lacrosse.

Lacrosse!

It’s apparently the oldest team sport in America, but I don’t know nothing about playing lacrosse. But it looks like basketball mixed with hockey.

There’s so much whacking with the stick about your person. And this is not only allowed, but encouraged.

And pushing is OK too.

I found this out when someone on the other team shoved Gideon and sent him flying on the field in front of me. Home and Away were sitting on the same side of the bleachers, and I heard someone say, “Good push.”

I nearly lost my Mom mind, but realized I would be sorely outnumbered.

I yelled down, “Are you OK?”

Gideon, you yelled, “Yeah.”

Then the people behind me clapped for you when you got up.

I got verklempt when you ran over to your team on the other side and you, Dominic, hugged him like a good big brother should.

Even though your team lost the game, it was a nice day outside, great to see you two in action, and I’m learning new things. All of those are good.

Keep up the good teamwork!

Love,
Mama

Dear Mike:

You absolutely did NOT find something that would interest me. In fact, if you knew me, you would know that is the LAST job that would interest me. Also, unless mini golf counts, I am completely unqualified.

How did you get my email address? I don’t know you. What profile? Linked In? If so, it STILL doesn’t match up.

Take me off whatever list you have.

Kthxbyeeee,
Beth

Dear Savannah:

Mardi Gras in St. Louis reminded me of you.

It’s definitely like St. Patrick’s Day on River Street.

Sea of drunk, rowdy people? Check.
Interesting outfits? Check.
People making questionable choices? Check.
Evidence of a “good time” everywhere? Check.
Too much of a good time very early in the day? Check.
No personal space? Check.

The only thing different is that St. Louis had a parade with actual floats (not politicians in convertibles).

Though I won’t be able to experience St. Pat’s with you this year, you clearly are in my thoughts.

Love always,
Beth

Dear Bob,

Listen, friend: We need to have a talk.

You were one of my favorite teachers in high school, and I’m thrilled we reconnected when I lived in Atlanta.

But you have scared the bejesus out of everyone with your recent emergency.

I realize that taking a group of students to the Galápagos Islands — a trip that included snorkeling — was too appealing to be denied.

However, when loads of people in the group got a stomach virus, did you HAVE to be an overachiever and get an extreme case? Of course you did.

This was your lovely wife Susan’s status update over the weekend.

Emergency surgery, scary-low oxygen levels, infection attack on numerous organs — that’s just a fraction of the issues you faced.

The good news is that you are awake and asking for sweet tea from Chick-fil-A.

So that means you are on the mend.

It’s about time.

Keep up the great work!

Love,
Beth

* Thanks, Toy Story.

Dear Rep. Ann Kelley,

What — and I mean this sincerely — the f*** are you doing?

WHY would you propose a change to the Missouri House of Representatives rules that forces women to cover their arms?

And you are a woman. What the heck?!

Let me get this straight: You lost your mind over requiring people to wear masks a couple of years ago to stop the spread of COVID, but now you are forcing women to wear sleeves?

You claim it was to clarify language to be “equal” to men. (By the way, you really should hire a PR person or copy editor or SOMEONE to help you with your writing skills.)

Sure it was.

I can’t believe it was adopted 105-51. (Note that the House is made up of 116 men and 43 women. Party affiliation for reference: 111 R, 52 D.)

I can’t believe you wasted any time on this at all. Have you seen the state rankings? Just look!

30th in Education

42nd in Public Safety

42nd in Healthcare

I swear to God — you are affecting my healthcare: my mental health!

I really don’t know why I’m surprised at either of the things above. It’s so much easier to control women and what they do and wear rather than tackle big issues in all people’s lives. Right, Ann?

What an embarrassment this is for the state. You want to be in the international consciousness with this foolishness?

I’m so glad my representative didn’t vote for this nonsense. (Granted, I think he was absent that day.)

Pull yourself together, please. Focus on important issues.

Sincerely,
Beth, a Missouri resident with sense

Bare arms vs. bear arms (God forbid she wears a mask.) Photo credit here.