Archive for November, 2013

Cease and desist

Dear Life:

Please stop torturing me with the following:

1. Gray hair. Specifically mine. I remain 27. I’m surprised you don’t know that.

2. People who pronounce mojitos as “moh-gee-toes.” Don’t let them drink anything ever again.

3. High school girls wearing the uniform of black leggings under riding boots. Girls: Show some freakin’ originality!

4. Selfies. Just stop.

5. Shoe liners that slip off your heels. These are worse than a plague of locusts. (But not worse than a herd of No. 3.)

6. Restaurants that act like it is a big deal to squeeze you in for a reservation, but when you arrive, there are only two other people there. Get over yourself!

7. Bald men who pretend they are not, in fact, bald. Shave it, for crying out loud!

8. People who blame everyone else for problems they have because of their own decisions. Own it! If you make a choice and it is the wrong one, own that too.

9. Anger. Anyone’s except mine, of course.

10. Thin women who say they never exercise or diet. Shut it.

Thank you for ceasing all of the above, Life. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Love ya!

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