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Archive for May, 2024

Intergalactic, planetary* #SpacePlace #SundayStories

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , on May 18, 2024| 3 Comments »

Dear Alien Life Forms:

Apparently, you like the scenery of the Pacific Northwest as much as residents and tourists do.

In fact, there’s a whole festival celebrating a famous visit you made in 1950.

Postcard from the trip

I took my human form up to town to investigate.

Because of course I did.

You may not know this, but weird festivals are kind of my jam.

Anyway, I saw plenty while waiting for the parade to start.

People wearing protection
A reference for people of a certain age
One of you ready to receive visitors
Another reference for people of a certain age (POACA)
Is it art BY you or ABOUT you?
Prepared for the costume contest
They look fun!
Photos with a Sleestak. Of course. For POACA. Happily, this child does not look as traumatized as she would have if she had seen the source material.
I want to believe.

Things I never thought I’d hear:

“Watch out! Don’t hit people with your alien!” — a mom to her kid waving around an inflatable creature

“I don’t like aliens. They’re scary.” — an inflatable-free kid

Then it was time for the parade. I will tell you that I don’t much like parades. I was scarred for life by the boring St. Patrick’s Day parade in Savannah, which consists of politicians riding in convertibles and Irish families walking in a pack waving flags.

No thank you.

The last time I was at a parade, I came home with COVID.

But this was my first year at your celebration, so I gave it a go.

Here are the highlights:

I love a band.
I swear I thought she had a ball sack on her back. But it was just a flaccid alien replica.
You aliens come in all shapes and sizes.
And filled with life or … not.
There were bad guys …
… and good ones. That’s my friend Sarah!
Van HALIEN, y’all!

Afterward, it was time for lunch.

Sitting around like it’s just a regular day.
I had a crepe that was out of this world.

Then I went home to hang out with my own personal alien.

I have no idea what you real extraterrestrial beings think about all this. We must seem very primitive. There’s plenty of evidence for that.

I hope you are amused.

Now could you give me my condo keys back?

Thanks and Nanu Nanu,
Beth

*Yeah, those guys.

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Pretty good at drinkin’ beer* #SundayStories

Posted in Music, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 12, 2024| 3 Comments »

Dear Drunk Students From Last Night:

I hope your hangover is not too bad. Perhaps you are still mad at me, but I’m betting you forgot our entire interaction.

I’m sorry I had to be the bad guy.

My volunteer job at the concert’s beer garden required me to enforce just three rules:

  1. Must have a pink wristband to enter.
  2. No beer outside of the beer garden.
  3. No passing beer over the beer-garden barrier.

I stopped one of you from violating No. 2 and had this exchange:

Me: Sorry, you can’t leave this area with those [gesturing to his two cups of beer].
Him: Am I supposed to chug them?
Me: I’m not recommending that, but you can.
Him: But I want to go hear the music.
Me: Great! You can do that right here.

Another one of you tried to be slick by putting the cup close to your body and walking out while turned away from me.

Listen, girl: I was young once too. I know ALL the tricks.

Rule No. 3 was — by far — the one that caused you the most dismay.

To be fair, the setup wasn’t great. There should have been a fence for the fence.

But policing that line with you was rough.

Beer makes some of you very bad-tempered. I almost had to call security. (That would have meant breaking up the officers’ coffee klatch though.)

Luckily, only a handful of you acted the fool. Most of you were well behaved.

Also, I was thrilled that the beer ran out quickly, and I was relieved of my duties.

Y’all seemed to have a great time overall and enjoyed the concert. That’s good.

Fairly well-attended concert for an artist whose name escapes me.

I did NOT have the greatest time, but that’s ok. I performed a necessary service by reducing liability.

Take some Tylenol. Drink water. Eat a bagel. You’ll be fine.

Maybe I’ll see you next year!
Beth

*Billy Currington, who had his own substance issues.

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Please Stand and Deliver* #SundayStories #Antmusic

Posted in Music, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on May 4, 2024| Leave a Comment »

Dear Adam,

I know we broke up in September 2019. I moved on.

I never forgot you, though.

When I heard you would be traveling through Salem, I decided to go see you for old times’ sake.

Our relationship has had its ups (2013) and downs (2012 and 2019)

I see you haven’t changed at all in the past five years.

Left: 2019; Right: 2024

I mean AT ALL. You might not have even been out of those clothes in all this time. I have no idea.

You’re even still wearing that stupid hat. Whyyyy?!

And you are peddling all the same merch. With new tour dates, sure.

I have all these shirts.

There is one new thing about you:

What is this, Adam? One single dreadlock? Gross.

Your voice sounds great, and you’ve remained trim.

But I don’t understand the little stage hops. You moved like your pants were too tight.

I know you are almost 70. I understand that you are not in your prime.

But this is your only job. And many fans are still paying to see you perform.

You have no kicks to give.

Frankly, I’m concerned. Your eyes looked dead.

When you were introducing the band, you paused for so long, I thought about calling 911.

Were you smelling burnt toast?

Seriously, I am worried about you.

Take some time off. Regroup. See your barber (and a stylist). Maybe consider retirement. You’ve worked hard. You’ve given the world some great music. Fans appreciate you. Don’t repay their loyalty by dying on stage in front of them.

Love always,
Beth

* The dandy highwayman himself

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