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Parenting 101

October 11, 2010 by Beth

Perhaps I’m too strict. Or perhaps I had kids late enough in life that I remember that people without kids don’t usually like to be bothered by kids. And sometimes even people with kids don’t like to be bothered by kids.

Eddie and I do not let our children run amok in restaurants. We refuse to be that family with the ring of detritus around the dinner table. I don’t need extra napkins because my children WILL NOT make a mess.

Yes, maybe I’m too strict. Or maybe I’m considerate.

I certainly would not allow Dominic and Gideon to amuse themselves by turning deck lights at Tubby’s Tank House off and on, off and on, etc. The mother of young Artemis and Arcadian (yes, those were their unfortunate names) had no such qualms.

My friend Pam and I were trying to have a nice quiet evening. Thank you, idiot mother, for ruining that plan. It will not scar your children for life for you to tell them to “cut that out right now.” You can correct them. That’s your job. Artemis and Arcadian will have plenty of friends in their lives (well, maybe). They only have one mother. Show them how to act!

And if you are unable to make them behave in public, stay home.

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The Case of the Cranky Cottonhead

October 8, 2010 by Beth

I finally had a Friday off and I spent most of it going to two more group exercise classes: Pilates and Line Dancing. (In case you are counting, that makes five group sessions this week. Five!)

To me, Pilates is what we used to call “calisthenics” back in the ’80s. We weren’t all fancy then. All we had was Jane Fonda and her legwarmers.

Now there are balls, mats, elastic bands, weights, etc. At this class, there was also a sweaty, inflexible man next to me who grunted as he exhaled. Jane never grunted. I don’t think she ever sweated either.

By the time my abs were screaming a sound only dogs could hear, it was time for the next class. Even though it’s supposedly geared toward seniors, I was excited about line dancing. I still mourn the death of Stetsons on Mall Boulevard, which is where, many years ago, I two-stepped my little heart out a couple of times a week.

The class consisted of the instructor, me and two other ladies. I had what I never want in a group exercise session: individual attention. And I was the youngest by at least 20 years.

Subtract two, add me, and that's the class.

At least I didn’t complain. Eleanor complained. Loudly. About a variety of things. Some elderly ladies seem sweet and kind, like Betty White. Eleanor was like Betty White’s older, bitter, spinster sister.

I shouldn’t judge, though. At least she was there and trying to stay active. Rock on, cranky cottonhead!

Posted in Random | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments »

Goldilocks and the evil chair

October 5, 2010 by Beth

Working my way through the YMCA group class schedule makes me feel like a certain girl who has a fondness for bears (and breaking and entering).

Stacie’s Zumba class was too fast.
Bobbi’s Zumba class was too slow (and filled with snotty women).
Ellen’s MVE Pilates class may be just right.

I’ll still go to the Zumba classes — snotty be damned — but I may go more often to MVE Pilates. MVE stands for “maximum versatility exercise” and there is a torture device involved: a special chair for all kinds of acrobatic work.

I did this maneuver, but with much less grace.

Oh HELL no.

























After 15 minutes of Cirque du Soleil, I was questioning my sanity. After 30 minutes of trying various “poses,” including the especially heinous one that is pictured second from the right in the collage below, I had sweat dripping off my nose. My nose! And my nose was running too!

But the instructor and other victims were very nice and helpful, and I feel like I got a great workout. And I didn’t die. So I’ll be back.

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Murder, she wrote

October 4, 2010 by Beth

Convicted serial killer accused of fifth slaying

From Staff Reports

BLOOMINGDALE, Ga. — Convicted serial killer Maggie The Dog is the only suspect in the murder of Shelly The Chicken. Shelly’s father, Eddie Concepción, found the bird’s body Sunday night in the back yard of the family home. Maggie’s younger sister, Mona The Dog is listed as an accomplice.

“I knew the dogs were a little too anxious to go outside,” he said. “Mona was not returning to the house, so I got the flashlight and started shining it around. I saw the two legs and knew.”

Warning: Graphic image

Concepción reported that Shelly must have left the side yard while the family was at a birthday party at Monkey Joe’s. When the family came home, it was dark. According to Concepción, they did not know of Shelly’s escape when they let Maggie and Mona outside.

Shelly’s mother, Beth Concepción, was clearly distressed. “We had a breakthrough yesterday,” she said. “She finally came up to me and wanted to be petted. We were making such progress on her socialization!”

According to the family, neither Shelly nor her sister Jeanne had ever left the side yard. However, sources close to the investigation reveal that Beth had said both chickens were about due for a wing clipping.

Beth reports that Jeanne, who shared a coop with Shelly, is holding up well under the circumstances.

“She just seems really sad and lonely,” she said. “I’m afraid this tragedy also will push back egg production.” Neither chicken had produced an egg yet.

Maggie had been convicted of the March 2010 murder of Trish La Gallina and the April 2009 murders of Trish’s three sisters. She had done time inside the house and outside on a leash before being released on parole.

On behalf of his delinquent dogs, Eddie is asking for understanding and forgiveness.

“I don’t think we should have chickens. Either train them to be guard chickens or get rid of the dogs. Chickens and dogs cannot coexist,” he said. “Apparently, there is some kind of code we don’t know about that Maggie is forced to enforce.”

Eddie’s son Dominic took additional steps to ensure peace in the Concepción household.

“Dominic had a talk with Maggie and he said that she’s not going to [kill] again,” Eddie said.

The family held a private service in conjunction with trash pickup.

Posted in Chickens | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Hookups in the animal kingdom

October 1, 2010 by Beth

I’m in trouble. Dominic is following in my footsteps. He wrote and illustrated a story I’d like to share.

Disclosure: His teacher wrote most of the words from his dictation.

"The Happy Little Snake," written and illustrated by Dominic

It was a hot day. He woke up and slithered through the forest.

Then he saw a big tree. The bush looked like an ostrich.

He slithered over a grass hill and saw a ladybug. He slithered some more. The ladybug followed him to his home. They slept together.

So. The snake is happy because of some ‘ho ladybug.

Great.

(To those who read my stories in grade school: Do you see why I’m worried?)

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The devil and the dancing hippo

September 29, 2010 by Beth

Zumba is the devil. Zumba kicked my ass. Kicked. My. Ass.

For those of you who don’t know, Zumba is like Broadway choreography set to Latin music. Here’s an “official” definition.

Maybe the moves are “easy to follow” for the other 99.9 percent of the population, but I couldn’t even make the drill team in high school. And they didn’t have a full squad even after I tried out, if that tells you something.

Thankfully, this fellow was not my instructor.

I felt like a “Fantasia” hippo thrown in with the Rockettes.

Me

Them


















I’m not completely inept, it just takes me a while to learn choreography. Once I learn it, I won’t forget. But it is hard to learn when your life is flashing before your eyes.

There were weights involved also. And mats. And Desperate Housewives in cute workout clothes. I’m so glad my friend Keisha was there for a reality check. And to make sure I was breathing.

See the guy in the back? Kindred spirit.

I’m proud to say I made it through without blacking out. My face was Pantone 187, though.

It is the color I imagine Hell to be. Zumba, I’ll see you in Hell on Monday!

Posted in Random | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments »

A chicken comes calling

September 27, 2010 by Beth

I’d like to post about Trish’s birthday weekend — also known as the Shock and Awe Safari — but I need to get photos from her. To tide you over until that post, here is an update on Shelly and Jeanne.

They don’t hate me anymore, but they are still suspicious of me. (I think they’ve seen what I often cook for dinner.)

They are also lazy. No eggs yet. You may remember that Trish squeezed out her first egg on, appropriately, Labor Day.

Shelly and Jeanne have been really loud lately though, so maybe they are getting ready for egg action. And Jeanne has been pecking at the window. For what purpose, I don’t know.

Maybe she’s trying to modify our eating habits. Maybe she should worry about producing some eggs …

Posted in Chickens | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Spellapalooza!

September 22, 2010 by Beth

It’s been a tough week for the South Bend public school system.

But that means it’s been a good week for me, the person who makes fun of errors in the wild.

Friends and students have shared plenty of tidbits from their travels over the past couple of weeks.

Royce found a new kind of crab:

Charlotte found pudding cake, but is still looking for a missing “r.”

And Austin found a sign for the grammar category. I guess I should be happy it is not spelled “yore.”

Sigh. Is it really that hard?

Posted in Grammar, etc. | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments »

“She works hard for the money”

September 18, 2010 by Beth

I went to the gym today.

Anyone who knows me knows that’s a big deal.

I haven’t set foot in a gym (with the intention of working out) in about 15 years.

It wasn’t concern for my padded hide that drove me there. It was concern for my slender wallet.

We joined the YMCA this summer so that Dominic and Gideon could take swimming lessons. On the tour, I saw the weight room and the class schedule, and became optimistic that I could actually start going to the gym. When they said they provided childcare, I almost shouted, “Sold!”

Well, you can guess what happened: Life intervened.

I got the renewal notice in the mail this week, and told Eddie that two weeks of swimming lessons set us back about $500.

Before I renew anything, I decided I really needed to feel the burn — and not just the burn of lost money.

The girl at the Y’s front desk had to help me get in because I couldn’t even remember our member number.

This is not me. I don't even own clothes like this.

Once inside, I dropped the kids off at “kid fit,” and I introduced myself to the elliptical machine. I managed to hang on for 45 minutes without barfing. It wasn’t the exertion, but the smell of Gramps next to me.

When I first got a whiff, I was afraid it was me. I was suitably horrified. Then Gramps sped up and moved around the air a little more. I got another snootful of the aromatic blend of sobaco and culo, with a bit of aged shirt stink for extra flavor.

And anyone who knows me knows that if I could smell it, it had to be bad.

So I fled. I rinsed off, picked up the boys, and we went swimming for a while. As we left the Y, I smiled at the girl at the front desk. Maybe she won’t have to help me next time. Yes, next time.

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Puffs aplenty

September 16, 2010 by Beth

My friend/surrogate mother Jody came through again. And this time, it is with something I’ve never seen before:

Those, my friends, are regular-sized bags of my favorite snack food — not the snack-sized bags I’m used to seeing.

Oh my.

She said she also is on the lookout for these:

Oh my!

The bad thing is that I started my annual “eat healthy” kick this week. I’ll be limiting myself to only 13 puffs (four Weight Watchers points) every other day.

How will I survive?

Posted in Random | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment »

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