As I told my friend and your “aunt” Sophia this week, laughs are in short supply lately. Luckily, I have you.
Let’s discuss one of your quirks.
Ever since you were little, you’ve had a thing about squeezing the bar soap until is a misshapen ball that no one wants to touch. You are 16 and still doing it. Why? I don’t know. You don’t know. But here we are:
Me to you: Please stop mangling the soap. Gideon to you: Why do you do that? You: I don’t know. Me: Well, there are fresh soaps in the drawer. You: I heard you say that, and I immediately thought, “Not for long.”
We all laughed. And as we were already laughing, I decided to show you a meme that had made me giggle all day:
So, of course, I brought up another meme that has made us cackle in the past:
True to form, we laughed so hard we started wheezing. I started doing that smoker’s laugh I’ve got, even though I’ve never been a smoker. (Friends, you know the one.)
Gideon even started laughing because we were laughing. So I showed him the meme that always gets him going:
It was a good night. Thank you for that. And for being you, even if you do maul the soap.
I’ve only been glued to the news five times in the past 20 years:
Sept. 11, 2001 (Al-Qaeda attacks)
Aug. 29, 2005 (Hurricane Katrina)
Nov. 1, 2016 (Clinton vs. Trump)
Nov. 3, 2020 (Biden vs. Trump)
Jan. 6, 2021 (Capitol riot)
Here are five things that struck me from No. 5:
Shocking lack of police presence. At the BLM protests this summer, you couldn’t swing a cat without hitting someone in law enforcement. Meanwhile, at the Capitol, folks were just waltzing around taking selfies with the one police officer who seemed to be inside. True story.
Rioters escorted out without being arrested. Again, this is very different from some of the BLM protests where people NOT BEING VIOLENT IN ANY WAY were arrested. Even new Georgia Senator Raphael Warnock was arrested inside the Capitol in 2017 for praying. FOR PRAYING. But breaking windows and walking around with a lectern? Go right ahead.
How the riot has divided Republicans. I have a number of friends who are relatively sane conservatives. They and I want the same things but have different ideas on policies and processes we need to get there. Then there are Trumpers. Guess which ones LOVED the insurrection. It should come as no surprise that the fellow who punched me in the stomach in sixth grade is part of the latter group. Why are we “friends” on Facebook? Good question.
Who wants to tell my sixth-grade bully that there is a big difference between yelling at someone on an elevator and STORMING THE CAPITOL AND DAMAGING PROPERTY? Also, the dude was arrested, so yes he is wrong.
It’s really not funny, though. People died. An important Federal building was trashed. National security was compromised.
As Americans, we have the right to have a peaceful Airing of Grievances on days other than Festivus. We do not have the right to destroy things and hurt/kill people. Those who do that need to experience consequences of their actions besides just being fired. Ten years for damaging government property (ironically, a Trump executive order) is a good place to start.
These folks couldn’t even wear masks while COMMITTING CRIMES. I hope they won’t be surprised when they get the ‘Rona. And you know they will.
Dear Readers, You all know how I love a good guest post. Well, my friend Revell — you know, my taxidermy partner in crime — wrote a doozy. Here is his end-of-year rant that he is permitting me to share. He echoes many of my same sentiments and is nothing if not authentic (edited slightly for format and references that might get him into trouble). You might agree with him, you might not, but it is a wild ride full of the F word (be warned). Enjoy! Beth
Just a Yearly Update By Revell
2020 … What the actual fuck? What even happened this year besides complete. Utter. CHAOS???
I don’t think I have ever been tested and pushed to this extent in my entire life, and I don’t doubt for a second the same for you! This may have been the most growth I’ve ever had in a single year or maybe as a human being in general.
This pandemic has had me question every aspect of my journey. Here’s a few key points I learned:
Hold on to your loved ones, celebrate life, and don’t EVER think twice about being 100 percent authentically YOU.
Don’t underestimate your personal power and know that WE REALLY ARE stronger in numbers.
Speak up for what’s right, call people out on their bullshit, keep friends close who also call you out on your bullshit, be held accountable, and don’t ever stop pushing to be a better person.
Being fired does not mean you were in the wrong or that you didn’t kill it at your job.
You can be in love with more than one person.
Mental health is real and you are not crazy.
Georgia is fucking BLUE!
Know your self worth, and don’t let people or corporations take advantage of you.
No matter how cute and adorable, small powdery moths are not your friends and will potentially eat everything you own.
Do not trust Nanna without a mask.
Love your family unconditionally, especially when they make it through COVID alive! FUCK — when YOU make it through COVID alive!
Dental care is still wayyyyyy too fucking expensive, and even when you try to be proactive about self care and the insurance money you paid into, you STILL get fucked! Well, unless it’s your cat and every tooth needs to be pulled at the most inconvenient time possible. So yeah! FUCKED!
Give yourself opportunities to grow and make yourself uncomfortable.
When someone laughs at your dreams or ideas and tells you they are not possible, just prove them wrong.
Peanut butter and Ramen noodles will keep you alive in a pandemic.
Credit Karma is an app and also part of being an adult now.
White men are still the worst! Especially fuckin’ Boomers.
Bernie’s campaign was smeared by the Democratic Party … AGAIN!
This country was founded on slavery, and if you’re not jaded, you’re obviously. NOT. listening. Fuck a confederate monument.
Socialism means all we want is healthcare … in … a … pandemic! Weird right?
I’m a queer, loud, unapologetic abolitionist with no regrets!
Well, one regret: that antique mirror at that one estate sale I decided not to buy on my credit card with money I didn’t have. Def a regret!
Fuck fascists, centrists and the “American dream.”
Trans women ARE real women!
When you’re starving in pandemic, just EAT THE FUCKIN’ RICH!
Harry Potter is fucking canceled, and J.K. Rowling ruined my childhood! What a TERF!
Still bitter about Taco Bell not selling potatoes.
And who knew that Paris Hilton’s vote-or-die campaign had such relevance now in 2020. The reality is vote, or FUCKING DIE!
I hope you are better than 2020. (2020 can suck it.)
I’m not one for resolutions. I usually declare things I won’t do or won’t give up. Just to be contrary. (Look. Listen. Give me this one rebellious thing. That’s about the only one!)
Put up with less than I need/deserve/worked for, etc. I am not a “Welcome!” mat. Mixed progress: I occasionally washed other people’s dishes and clothes, but I got better about calmly explaining what was bothering me.
Save money. Yeah, I know I should, but let’s be honest: I won’t. Success: I didn’t.
Stay home. I want to say “absof–kinlutely” to adventures near and far. Dream scenario: I get paid to write about it. Fail: I think we all know what happened this year.
Continue procrastinating on my book. This is the year I finish it, write the proposal, and find an agent. If E.L. James can become rich and famous off her trashTwilight fan fictionwork, so can I. Fail: I did absolutely no work on it. Lack of motivation, thy name is COVID-19.
Lose more than just five more pounds. I’m calling that my “wine cushion.” Success: I found a few pounds more of me. Pandemic pounds FTW!
Stay in this place with the small kitchen. When it’s a pain to make things as fairly easy as Scotch eggs, it’s time to upgrade. Success: We moved to a larger place with a slightly larger kitchen.
Ignore show suggestions from certain like-minded people. I resisted watching “Killing Eve.” I was stupid. Success: I’m even taking suggestions from randos on Twitter. I’ve got some issues with “Bridgerton.” Who wants to chat about it with me?
Let people try to make me feel even slightly embarrassed about my love of bad taxidermy. Those uptight people can shove it. My obsession is Hando approved. Success: I let my freak flag fly this year to positive results.
Vote for Trump. Duh. Success: Duh.
Stop writing blog posts at least twice a week. I’ve been keeping this pace since April, so I’m pretty proud of myself. Success-ish: I was doing well until the holidays. I blame Netflix.
In 2021, I will not:
Take for granted the ability to hug friends, see a movie in a theater, see live music, eat in a restaurant, travel, go out without a mask, work out at the gym, etc.
Take for granted physical mobility. (This was the year I broke my ankle and damaged my rotator cuff. So that’s been fun.)
Lament a packed schedule of in-person meetings.
Ever get off political mailing lists, apparently.
Be able to wear real shoes again without dealing with discomfort. (I wore flip flops for six months straight.)
I will not be surprised AT ALL when you get the ‘Rona. You took no precautions. I was, quite frankly, horrified.
Yes, we visited too, but we took ample precautions:
We stayed in our four-person bubble.
We stayed at a reputable hotel.
We wore masks everywhere but the hotel room and the car.
We washed our hands and sanitized ourselves regularly.
You, however, did NOT do all of those things.
Example 1: Dinner Friday night
After we went to see a movie (yes, in a theater for the first time since February*), we went to Big River Grille for our reservation. We ran a gauntlet featuring about 15 unmasked people around the door.
Then the hostess tried to sit us in a booth next to another group. My back would have been six inches from some stranger’s back.
NO, THANK YOU.
See Rock City’s sanitizing stations.
Example 2: Ruby Falls on Sunday
There were about a thousand signs saying Ruby Falls is a TOUCH-FREE CAVE. Not only is it bad for the stalagmites and stalactites (oils from human hands keep the formations from growing) but CORONAVIRUS, HELLO!
Our very-loud guide must have said “no touching” 437 times. Every single time, a guy in the group in front of us could not help himself. He touched EVERYTHING.
I get it: You aren’t a fan of online learning. As I told one of your teachers this week: You are not thriving in the remote environment (to put it mildly).
But you do actually have to do the work until there is an alternative.
Part of your problem is your lack of time-management skills and your habit of prioritizing things like watching “The Mandalorian” over getting your work done.
Do you really want to repeat 10th grade? You’d end up going to school with your brother.
I KNOW you don’t want that. So pull yourself together.
Congratulations! You and our inept president have helped the United States reach a milestone.
(Ironic how your battle cry is the co-opted “My body, my choice.”)
I understand your desire for personal freedom. But with personal freedom comes personal responsibility. But often, though, people do not do the right thing for themselves or others.
Let’s look at some past freedom vs. personal/public safety issues:
Motorcycle helmets. Despite the fact that many people wanted to be more likely to die in a motorcycle crash did not want a helmet law, Georgia makes it mandatory to wear a helmet. (Incidentally, Georgia had the first helmet law in the United States.)
Seatbelt laws. Despite the fact that many people wanted to be more likely to die in a car crash did not want a seatbelt law, Georgia (and 48 other states) makes it mandatory to wear seatbelts.
Speed limits. Despite the fact that many people wanted to be more likely to die in a high-speed crash did not want speed limits, the federal government and state governments passed speed limit laws.
Those four legislative efforts save roughly 723,000 lives every year.* The first three save nearly 30,000. That’s a large enough number to warrant legislation, apparently.
Clearly, we are not managing the spread effectively.
Clearly, lives are at stake.
Clearly, we need to do something.
I’m not a huge fan of personally intrusive legislation like a national mask mandate, but if y’all keep up your shenanigans, that is EXACTLY what we are going to need.
So wear a damn mask, and stay away from people not in your household.
Kthxbye,
Beth
*I’m happy to give you my sources for those stats, but I know you don’t trust scientific or news sources. (In case you do, and I’m being unfair, visit the links in the post plus this one and this one and this one.)
I couldn’t believe that people would vote for Trump the first time. But they did, and he won. And we all got on with it.
We’ve had four years of (fill in your preferred adjective).
Why is it so hard to believe that the same sentiment that drove the “silent majority” to the polls against Clinton in 2016 could be the same thing driving folks against Trump in 2020?
The election was not rigged. There hasn’t been widespread voter fraud.
Let’s look at the ways Americans had to vote:
Early voting. This does not seem to be in dispute.
In-person voting Nov. 3. This does not seem to be in dispute.
Absentee voting. This is apparently what’s in dispute. By Trump.
With absentee voting, people could mail them in or drop them in a ballot box. State laws vary, but the mailed-in ballots usually are counted as long as they are postmarked by Nov. 3. The deadline to drop in the ballot box in Georgia was 7 p.m. on Nov. 3. Again, states vary.
OK, stay with me here: Early voting and in-person voting are tabulated easily. Absentee voting takes longer because poll workers have to open and carefully check the ballots in a guard against — wait for it — fraud. Some states can open and count early. Some can’t.
I am a Georgia voter. I did not want to wait in line and be around people in a PANDEMIC. I requested, filled out and returned an absentee ballot via drop box by the Nov. 3 deadline.
Also, Trump himself has used absentee voting (as recently as August) and encouraged people to vote by mail. In Arizona. Where he thought he had plenty of support.
Just as the Democrats have not engineered a worldwide Coronavirus hoax, they have not perpetrated voter fraud. Please note that Georgia and Arizona (two states you are wound up about) both have Republican governors. And Georgia’s Secretary of State is a Republican too. One Trump supported.
Nevada’s is too. Are you alleging that they are in on this plot? Please.
And if Democrats were going to rig an election, wouldn’t they flip the Senate too? Come ON.
So stand down, outraged Trump fans. This is our democracy — the one you profess to love.
This is our process and it works, whether you like it or not.
I won’t be voting that day. Eddie and I chose the absentee route for two reasons:
I believe scientists that the Coronavirus is real and not a hoax perpetrated by the Democratic Party. (I mean, REALLY? A U.S. party is going to get the whole world in on a hoax? To what end?)
Hence, I want to limit potential exposure by not putting myself in close contact with people I don’t know.
I’ve had in-depth conversations with two long-time friends who support you. One was a rational, calm conversation where we agreed more than we disagreed. One was … not like that at all.
Here’s my response to some slogans you and your supporters use.
“Make America Great Again”
I thought America was pretty great pre-2016.
“Keep America Great”
Sorry, but America is not great at the moment. I am NOT better off than I was four years ago. I’m middle class and paying WAY more taxes. The industry in which I work has been negatively affected by your xenophobic policies. And as someone who travels, I can tell you that America is an international embarrassment.
“Life begins at conception”
Fantastic! So that means you’ll protect women endangered by a pregnancy, the children after they are born, old people who might get COVID-19, poor people, immigrants and people on death row. Right? Pro-life means that you support all lives.
“My body, my choice”
This one makes my head explode as it has been co-opted for the anti-mask movement. If you want personal autonomy, great. I’m all for that. But you can’t pick and choose. (See above.)
It should come as no surprise that I will not be voting for you. This is not to say I haven’t voted Republican in the past, and wouldn’t do so again if he/she were the right person.
But you are not the right person.
And the Republican Party is not the Republican Party of old. You know, the one that wanted a smaller government, fiscal responsibility, personal autonomy, etc.
I care about LBGTQIA rights, universal healthcare, eradicating systemic racism, reducing the deficit, upholding personal choice, maintaining separation of church and state — all those things that you are against.
We all knew Zeta was coming. We all knew there would be rain and high winds. We all knew the power would go out (because it goes out here if someone coughs too violently).
As a result, this family has a propane stove, a generator, hurricane lamps and many portable phone charging blocks.
So it was not a surprise to wake up yesterday at 6:13 a.m. with no power.
What was a surprise was that there were no updates from you on your website ALL DAY LONG.
There is no ERT.
I looked at Twitter, expecting to find more information.
Nope.
Your first tweet was at 10:05 a.m. — nearly four hours after 600K+ Georgians lost power.
And this ridiculously late attempt directed people to the outage map that had NO INFORMATION.
Much later, you tweeted this gem:
No shit, Sherlock.
I couldn’t resist replying.
Here’s the thing: I do not doubt your crews in the field and in the office are working very hard to restore power.
But in a crisis, you have to communicate to your stakeholders. This is PR 101. And THIS is why I’m dogging you.
Whoever is handling your Twitter account tweeted only 13 times in the space of 24 hours.
People are freaking out and you traffic in sporadic platitudes?
Come ON!
You can do better. You should do better. Millions of Georgians rely on you.
Next time, I hope your response team includes a dedicated crisis communicator.
But you know what? 
Observe and report 