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Posts Tagged ‘Disorders’

Enjoy the silence* #ThursdayThoughts

Posted in Parenting, Travel, tagged , , , , , , , , , on July 20, 2023| 8 Comments »

Captain’s Log, Day 5 (80 miles logged)

I deliberately scheduled a limited-drive day. I figured we road warriors would need a break.

Merle in repose

The scenery from Cody into Yellowstone is SPECTACULAR. That’s why people make the trek.

Leo, of course, could not be bothered.

What a life.

On this journey, we have seen flora, but not fauna. So when we finally saw bison, we lost our minds.

Like Leo, the bison were completely unconcerned about our existence.

I really expected to see more critters. Maybe the rangers still have them locked up.

See? Dipshits abound.

We set up camp at the Yellowstone Fishing Bridge RV Park. We did laundry. Made lunch. Walked to said Fishing Bridge.

Gee, they aren’t related AT ALL. /s
Um …

Photos do not do this place justice. The word “breathtaking” doesn’t do it justice. Yellowstone is one of those places you really have to see for yourself.

But beware of sticky tar-like substances that resist removal efforts.
And birds practicing target practice.

I tried to upload my blog post, but service was spotty. Huge national park. Nature. Go figure. 😉

Dominic, a typical teenager, was bothered by the lack of connectivity.

“What am I supposed to do? ENJOY NATURE?”

All kidding aside, it is beautiful, and we did need to disconnect.

At night, we played card games. All was well.

Next: Old Faithful.

*I’ve always been a fan.

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“I’m WALKIN’ here!”* #SundayStories

Posted in Advice, Travel, tagged , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2023| Leave a Comment »

Hey Y’all!

Auntie Beth is back with more tips on how to live in a world with OTHER HUMAN BEINGS.

(Auntie Beth was in New York briefly for a conference and witnessed some very disturbing behavior.)

1. DON’T stand directly in front of elevator doors. It’s surprising this has to be said, but people likely are ON that elevator and need to get off. If you are standing there, you are making it difficult. The same goes for train doors.

2. DON’T stop at the top or bottom of an escalator to check your phone. Again, there are other people using the escalator and would like to keep moving once they are off.

3. DON’T walk three abreast on a sidewalk. AGAIN, there are other people in the world who would like to walk on the sidewalk.

Don’t be like these people.

4. DON’T leave COVID-time space between yourself and your companion while walking. For the fourth time, other people would like to get past you.

Please walk WITH your friend.

5. DON’T clump on the sidewalk to have a conversation. I mean … reread 1-4 for why.

Auntie Beth audibly sighed as she managed to hustle by these people taking up the whole sidewalk.

What do all these scenarios have in common?

The inability for the offenders to recognize there are other people in their orbit.

In other words, Main Character Syndrome.

Please — for the love of all that is good in this world — pay attention to people around you. Have some social/spatial awareness.

Auntie Beth (and many others) will thank you!

*Of course that’s from this movie.

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It’s a CATastrophe over on Next Door #WhiningWednesday

Posted in Advice, Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 26, 2023| 8 Comments »

Y’all.

I’ve mentioned before how much I love the Next Door app.

I cannot get enough of the petty drama. Just look:

Lord have mercy. These PEOPLE.

But I am HERE for it.

And for what it is worth, I’m Team Heather.

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You’ve got a friend in me* #ThursdayThoughts(andprayers)

Posted in Friends, tagged , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2023| Leave a Comment »

Dear Bob,

Listen, friend: We need to have a talk.

You were one of my favorite teachers in high school, and I’m thrilled we reconnected when I lived in Atlanta.

But you have scared the bejesus out of everyone with your recent emergency.

I realize that taking a group of students to the Galápagos Islands — a trip that included snorkeling — was too appealing to be denied.

However, when loads of people in the group got a stomach virus, did you HAVE to be an overachiever and get an extreme case? Of course you did.

This was your lovely wife Susan’s status update over the weekend.

Emergency surgery, scary-low oxygen levels, infection attack on numerous organs — that’s just a fraction of the issues you faced.

The good news is that you are awake and asking for sweet tea from Chick-fil-A.

So that means you are on the mend.

It’s about time.

Keep up the great work!

Love,
Beth

* Thanks, Toy Story.

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The Show Me (Something Stupid) State #WednesdayWacko

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 18, 2023| 3 Comments »

Dear Rep. Ann Kelley,

What — and I mean this sincerely — the f*** are you doing?

WHY would you propose a change to the Missouri House of Representatives rules that forces women to cover their arms?

And you are a woman. What the heck?!

Let me get this straight: You lost your mind over requiring people to wear masks a couple of years ago to stop the spread of COVID, but now you are forcing women to wear sleeves?

You claim it was to clarify language to be “equal” to men. (By the way, you really should hire a PR person or copy editor or SOMEONE to help you with your writing skills.)

Sure it was.

I can’t believe it was adopted 105-51. (Note that the House is made up of 116 men and 43 women. Party affiliation for reference: 111 R, 52 D.)

I can’t believe you wasted any time on this at all. Have you seen the state rankings? Just look!

30th in Education

42nd in Public Safety

42nd in Healthcare

I swear to God — you are affecting my healthcare: my mental health!

I really don’t know why I’m surprised at either of the things above. It’s so much easier to control women and what they do and wear rather than tackle big issues in all people’s lives. Right, Ann?

What an embarrassment this is for the state. You want to be in the international consciousness with this foolishness?

I’m so glad my representative didn’t vote for this nonsense. (Granted, I think he was absent that day.)

Pull yourself together, please. Focus on important issues.

Sincerely,
Beth, a Missouri resident with sense

Bare arms vs. bear arms (God forbid she wears a mask.) Photo credit here.

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People in Your Neighborhood* #ThursdayThoughts

Posted in Advice, Home Sweet Home, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2023| Leave a Comment »

Dear Neighbors,

Y’all be out here WILDIN’ (as the kids say). That is, if the Next Door app is any indication.

I live a quiet life. I mind my own business. I’m not out trying to be the stereotype of Angry White Woman (i.e., Karen or BBQ Becky).

Some of you are LIVING for the drama. And bringing it.

For example, Laurie and Claralyn woke up and chose violence.

And then there are posts like the following that have me shaking my head, for a variety of reasons.

My guilty pleasure is following the Best of Next Door on Twitter.

I mean, LOOK:

How could I resist?

But in the words of the late, great Rodney King, “Can’t we all get along?”

Despite the inauspicious start, I get along with both my next-door neighbors, and I’m close with about a dozen of you in our neighborhood. And some of you must like me a little as you voted me into a leadership role. I also took on the task of editing the neighborhood newspaper. Because of course I did.

As I have free rein with the paper, I want to start an advice column to help resolve minor conflicts. Like alley clippings. Neighbor friends Kathy and Marlane have agreed to help.

I think it could be fun. Also, it may raise everyone’s self awareness and tolerance.

But probably not. 😬😉

Anyway, I’m just trying to help. No need to get knickers in a twist over Christmas lights and weeds, when there is the VERY REAL problem of holiday creep.

My friend Jude sent me evidence of Valentine’s Day merch in a store on Dec. 27.

THAT’S a problem.

Your neighbor,
Beth

*RIP Bob McGrath.

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Let fingers do the walking (NSFW) @ThursdayThoughts

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2022| 2 Comments »

Dear Women* Who Date My Sons,

Ladies, I’ve tried my best to ensure they understand our anatomy. Once, I even pulled out a diagram of our bits at the dinner table.

(Look. Listen. Education has no boundaries.)

I never ever want them to be like these idiots:

I’ve told them porn isn’t realistic. I mean, I’ve never once gotten off by someone slapping my parts. I don’t know any woman who has an instant orgasm from penetration. There are no naked pizza delivery drivers in my neighborhood.

If you have and can, and there are, good for you! No shade.

I should share this with them and really make it weird:

It’s a good explanation.

Of course, there are plenty of other … uh … aspects of and tactics for gratification.

Just know that I have told them they need to make sure you get yours. And to listen to what you say about how to do that.

Also, we’ve discussed various methods of birth control and THEIR responsibility.

Not that I’m advocating for sex willy nilly, but I am realistic.

They are still teenagers, so they have plenty to learn. Just know I’ve done my best.

Looking forward to getting to know you!

Sincerely,
Your boyfriend’s mom

*Before anyone gets hot and bothered, let me say that I used to start off sentences with, “When you date someone, and he, she or they …” I just wanted to leave the door open. But every time I said that, they informed me they like girls. The door is still open; I don’t care.

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And now for something completely different* #SundayStories

Posted in Education, Random, tagged , , , , , , , on September 11, 2022| 2 Comments »

Dear Dr. P:

It’s been a dozen years since I’ve been in a for-credit course. I really don’t know what I’m doing in your Explosives in Industry course. Or what I’m doing in the Explosives Technology graduate certificate program in general.

My background is journalism/mass communications and performing arts.

So why am I here?

I genuinely don’t know.

I guess it just seemed cool to learn about explosives.

And I guess I wanted to do something completely different.

Even though this certificate program is billed as being for non-engineers, there’s still a steep learning curve.

I mean. What is going on there? Those acronyms mean nothing to me!

However, I did enjoy your video tour of the experimental mine.

Also, EXPERIMENTAL MINE?! That’s DOPE!

Anyway, I’m Tracy Flick, so I will figure out what I don’t know. I plan to get an A in the class.

I’m on the right track.

Looking forward to learning more.

Sincerely,
Beth

*Always time for a Monty Python reference.

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Sunday Bloody Sunday #SundayStories

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , on August 28, 2022| 1 Comment »

Dear Lacey,

At least I think that’s your name. Hard to remember when lightheaded from blood loss.

I hope you remember me. I was strapped to your machine for a hour Friday.

When you originally asked if I wanted to donate two pints of blood, I said, “Sure.”

You said it would take no longer than 30 minutes.

But then the machine started “acting up.”

Not something anyone in my position wants to hear.

Finally, I was free to go.

Maybe a few more minutes with you would have been good, though. Maybe with my donation arm up over my head. Maybe with a little more pressure applied to my new wound.

I got to my car, and suddenly I looked like I had been in a knife fight.

You’ve heard of a shy colon? Apparently, I have an extroverted vein.

Back in the blood mobile, you and everyone else sprung into action.

I kept saying I was ok, though.

No one believed me. I got loads of attention, some apple juice and a snack.

I even got an offer of drycleaning.

You should see the other guy!

No need. Hydrogen peroxide worked wonders.

And today I’m barely bruised.

You know what else I am? Happy I successfully donated blood when the need is critical.

Maybe I’ll see you again in two months.

Your patient,
Bloody Mary Beth

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Not so odd anymore #SundayStories

Posted in Taxidermy, tagged , , , , , , , , on July 24, 2022| 1 Comment »

Dear Bio Family,

You’ve only known me a short while, but you KNOW me.

Do I want to go?

Does my Senator (Josh Hawley) run from chaos he helped create?

Yes. The answer is yes.

As some readers may remember, I went to this event in Atlanta. Alone. (I’m the “weird” one.)

But yesterday, it was a family affair.

Mom, sister, niece, nephew

Perhaps I’m jaded, but I felt like the offerings were not as varied as the prior event and were more expensive.

Here are some fresh things I saw but did not buy (because expensive).

A gumball machine filled with cow eyes
A creative use for vintage photos
Part of a giraffe
Fun (and horrifying) night lights
The worst item anyone could dream up for me: a clown doll. IT (the character and the doll) haunts me still.
Mothman (To be fair, he wasn’t for sale. Actually, he might have been. I don’t know.)
Whatever scene this is

But I did buy two things. Very cheap. Necessary, I felt.

A snakeskin pendant and a chicken foot. Everyone needs a preserved chicken foot. (Yes, everyone. 😄)

So thanks, Fam, for showing me once again that DNA is remarkable.

Love,
Beth

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