Dear Dante Alighieri:
First off, let me say that I love your work. My favorite is “The Divine Comedy,” with particular love for the “Inferno” part. I am an orderly person, so I gravitate to categories. The nine circles of Hell speak to me and my Type A personality.
I went on a work trip last week, and I’d like to add people to the circles, if I may.
Candidate: People who meander in the middle of the airport concourse, weaving side to side and making it difficult to walk around them
Circle of Hell: First circle — limbo (or maybe the vestibule — land of the indecisive)
Candidate: That guy in the bar who won’t let you have a drink in peace
Circle of Hell: Second circle — lust
Candidate: People who stand in the middle of the moving sidewalk when they clearly should move to the right to allow people to pass
Circle of Hell: Third circle — gluttony
Candidate: People who take up the airplane arm rest immediately upon sitting
Circle of Hell: Fourth circle — greed
Candidate: People who take up seats with their bags in the airport gate area and look at you sullenly if you dare to ask to sit
Circle of Hell: Fifth circle — anger
Candidate: People who put their feet on their airplane tray tables
Circle of Hell: Sixth circle — heresy (because EWW!)
Candidate: People who are unaware of the circumference of their backpacks
Circle of Hell: Seventh circle — violence
Candidate: People who try to get on the plane when their zone has not been called yet
Circle of Hell: Eighth circle — fraud
Candidate: The pilot who wants to tell you too much about the flight when you just want to watch the movie
Circle of Hell: Ninth circle — treachery [Listen, Captain: You do your job (flying), and I’ll do mine (resting).]
Like I said, I appreciate order. I need these people to get it together or go to (their circles of) Hell.
Thank you, Mr. Alighieri, for considering my suggestions.
(Wait … What’s that? I’m a candidate for at least three circles, you say? No … )
Yours in boiling blood and fire,
Beth
Observe and report 