Dear Dominic,
If spending more time with you has shown me anything, it’s that you are incredibly resourceful — when you really want something. Specifically something you are not supposed to have.
If you don’t? You’re as helpless as Mr. Krabs molting.
Por ejemplo:
Your regular schoolwork dipshittery earned you a week without Wi-Fi for your various apparatus.
Though you pretend to be a Luddite, you certainly MacGyvered your way into connectivity. (I didn’t even know you knew what an Ethernet cable was or that we had one.)
But then you called for backup to find the lunch meat.
Lunch meat, Dominic.
Remember this conversation?
You (banging around in the refrigerator): There’s no meat!
Me: Yes, there is.
You (getting loud): No, there’s not!
Me (shockingly calm in the face of teenage attitude): Look in the drawer on the bottom left.
You (louder): I’m looking! All I see is a cabbage.
Me (sighing): Move the cabbage.
You: Oh.
“Move the cabbage.” It’s like the Coronacation version of “Who Moved My Cheese.”
I really hope this is just typical teenager behavior, and you’ll grow out of it. I am not a helicopter parent. I don’t plan to have you live with me forever.
You must learn to move the cabbage on your own.
Love,
Mama
Observe and report 