Observe and report

Welcome, everyone, to the award ceremony for the first National Championships for the Mental Gymnastics!

(pause for applause)

The competition is complete, and we have our winners. Here are the following champions:

POMMEL HORSE: All the people killed, beaten, sprayed, pushed, detained, abused, etc., by the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement “officers” who have taken over Minneapolis, Minnesota. ICE has pommeled them repeatedly.* Congrats to these folks, mostly U.S. citizens! (So much winning! Are we great yet?)

STILL RINGS: Texas and Florida (tie). It takes immense strength and control to somehow avoid an ICE invasion when there are nearly 2 million and 1.2 million (respectively) undocumented residents, compared to Minnesota’s 130,000. How did they manage to come out on top? Their coach, Pam Bondi.

VAULT: ICE (and the DHS overlord Kristi Noem). They manage to vault right over the First, Second and Fourth amendments to the U.S. Constitution every day!

PARALLEL BARS: Kamala Harris. In a parallel universe — one without Elon Musk — she won the election and none of this is happening. Fun fact: Before the election, the right, with help from FOX News, said the Democrats would strip away the Second Amendment, jail us for what we say, drag us into more foreign wars, and cover up a sex trafficking ring, among other atrocities. Huh. Lookee here.

HORIZONTAL (HIGH) BAR: Joe Biden. He was crucified and had to drop out of the 2024 presidential race because he had a bad performance at a debate. Meanwhile, Trump sends the following letter to the Norwegian prime minister, and it’s just another Monday. Ho hum. Seems fine. Totally sane.

FLOOR EXERCISES: These were canceled as senators and representatives controlling Congress cannot be bothered to do the jobs outlined in the Constitution.

UNEVEN BARS: MAGA.

• No foreign wars, unless Trump wants to start something with Venezuela or Denmark or Iran.
• “America First,” unless Trump wants to give money to people in Greenland or Argentina.
• No tolerance for drug trade, unless Trump wants to pardon drug dealers.
• No tolerance for corruption of any sort unless, Trump is involved.
• The Epstein Files must be released, until the Epstein Files Transparency Act requires it.
• Child rapists should be rounded up and punished fully, unless Trump is a child rapist.
• States’ rights supersede those of the federal government, unless we’re talking about immigration and ICE.
• Disrupting a church service with a protest is wrong, but arresting faith leaders for protesting is fine.
• No one should speak ill of Charlie Kirk because he was a husband and father and cared about his community, but Renee Good — also a mother and wife and someone who cared about her community — is fair game.
• The Second Amendment is sacrosanct, until it’s not.
• Everyone needs guns for protection against a tyrannical government, until the tyrannical government is here, and then you must obey.
• It’s OK — even celebrated — to bring a gun to a protest (and actually use it to kill people), until it’s not (and you are killed instead*).

BALANCE BEAM: No winners. Only losers. There is no balance, only hyperbole. For example, the rhetoric around immigration that led to the ICE buildup.

JD Vance claims there are 30 million undocumented immigrants in America. The number is closer to half. And they have been painted as rapists and murderers. According to extrapolated numbers out of Texas (the only place that really tracks), the number is 1.9 homicides per 100,000. There are more than 22,000 ICE agents. ICE killed 32 people in 2025. That’s about 1 per 688. I’d rather live next door to an illegal immigrant than an ICE agent.

Here are some facts:

• Illegal immigration is a misdemeanor.
• Due process applies to everyone, including undocumented immigrants. (Despite this, there are at least 2,300 cases where federal judges have ruled ICE has illegally detained people without bond or due process.)
• Undocumented immigrants commit crimes at lower rates than the U.S. population.
• U.S. citizens are not required to carry ID, except in certain (logical) circumstances.
• Documenting activities on public property or personal private property is protected under the First Amendment.
• ICE should not detain any U.S. citizen for any length of time.
• Therefore, there should not be a U.S. citizen wing of detention centers.
• ICE also shouldn’t be stalking people at courthouses if the desire is for people to “come here the right way.” Also, the administration shouldn’t cancel the naturalization ceremonies. Or stand in the way of bipartisan legislation for real immigration reform.

Wake up, everyone! We are at the end of this glorious celebration of the Mental Gymnastics!

We will have a reception eventually in the new “luxurious” $400 million presidential ballroom — which is completely a necessity as we have managed to solve the all the American problems of affordable healthcare and housing, wage stagnation, inflation (2.7 percent), national debt ($38 trillion), national budget deficit ($1.78 trillion), etc.

CONGRATULATIONS!

*Side note: I can’t believe I have to say this but law enforcement officials are not allowed to execute “guilty” people either. We have a whole judicial system to determine guilt and punishment. Good and Pretti should be alive. For those of you saying, “FAFO,” I have a question and a comment. The question: Why are you defending these thugs? (Is it because if you admit they are wrong, you also are wrong for voting for this? Because you knew exactly what was going to happen. Or is it because you too were a high-school bully, and you love the violence?) The comment: Fuck all the way off with your inhumane self.

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