March of the Pensioners
Narrated by Morgan Freeman (of course)
Each day, a truly remarkable journey takes place. Dozens of elderly women — likely awake since before dawn — don their supportive bathing costumes, abandon the security of their single-level homes, and make the long trek to the YMCA for their life-changing morning ritual: water aerobics (i.e., boot camp).
The goal? To stave off or reverse the damage done by a penchant for butter and sedentary living.
These be-grayed specimens tumble into the water of the indoor pool, nattering incessantly about ungrateful and noisy offspring.
1950s perms encased in swim caps, liver-spotted skin cleansed by the chlorine — their leathery haunches strain to move through the water.
Intrepid cultural anthropologist and writer Beth C. — also a lover of butter — attempted to infiltrate their ranks.
The pack was immediately suspicious of this young whippersnapper. (“Young” is relative.)
The alpha female tried to warn her off with a series of loud barks. Beth responded with barks of her own, indicating she would not be intimidated.
Resolute, indomitable, driven by the overpowering urge to rediscover her long-lost abs, she was determined to stand her ground.
The journey was hazardous as the women eyed her as a predatory threat.
Yet, after many long weeks of delicate maneuvering, Beth finally was accepted into the pack. They greeted her by name. Asked about her recent vacation. Swapped phone numbers.
Beth felt vindicated. Acknowledged. And (thankfully) streamlined.
Her magical journey will continue three times a week as she becomes further enmeshed in the pack’s routine.
Observe and report 