Observe and report

Loyal reader Tom requested — nay, commanded — that I return to the topic of grammar. Here’s his full note:

As you wish, Tom. How about a grammar subset?

Let’s talk about apostrophes, as they seem to be the bane of the existence of many.

Apostrophes have two major jobs: They show possession or they indicate that something is missing.

Job 1: Showing possession

Many of the signs featured on this blog show words with apostrophes where there shouldn’t be any. Why? I don’t know. Maybe the sign creators thought, “This looks boring. Let’s spice it up with something unnecessary and wrong.”

Maybe the sign creators at Goodwill just got confused:

The way it reads now makes me ask, “Goodwill salutes veteran’s WHAT? Ability to shop?” (I will not get into the various other atrocities on this sign, such as the use of “currently,” the misspelled word, and the incorrect abbreviation. Well, I guess I just did.) “Veteran’s Day” also is incorrect (should be “Veterans Day”), but I can understand the thought process behind that.

Remember: Use an apostrophe when you want to show that something belongs to someone. Think carefully about who is possessing what. For example, I could write that I belong to the PTO at Dominic’s school.

• Is it a parent’s association? That would be a group belonging to one parent.
• Is it a parents’ association? That would be a group belonging to two or more parents.
• Is it a parents association? Yes, because it is a group made up of parents.

Job 2: Indicating missing characters

Contrary to popular belief, “It’s” is not the possessive for “it.” Only use “it’s” as the contraction for “it is” or “it has.” The possessive of “it” is “its”: The beast went back into its lair.

A common phrase in the South is “y’all.” Note the apostrophe. “Y’all” is a contraction for “you all.” The apostrophe indicates that “o” and “u” are missing.

The Oak Ridge Boys have written it correctly.

So has Toby Keith, but he has made a different mistake. Read on.

Similarly, if you want to talk about the 1980s, and you want to use an apostrophe to shorten it, you would write “’80s” because the “1” and the “9” are missing.

Toby Keith has abbreviated “shocking,” so he really needs an apostrophe before and after the “n” — similar to “rock ‘n’ roll.”

See how easy that is?

I realize that these rules don’t explain things like “won’t.” I can’t explain everything.