Observe and report

I love this résumé on Craig’s List and I don’t care if it is real or not, or how old it is (2008). Warning: It is quite profane.

Here’s my less profane (and therefore less funny) non-work version of my résumé:

Résumé of Dubious Achievements

OBJECTIVE: Finish my freakin’ dissertation already and get my life back!

STUFF I HAVE DONE:

• Commented on my boss’ crazy hair. (I don’t remember doing this, but he swears I did.)
• Used “meh” to describe students’ work. Repeatedly.
• Gone ballistic over mistakes in printed materials (much to the joy of most of the people reading this blog).
• Chosen to watch “Jersey Shore” instead of getting much-needed sleep.
• Cleaned my kids’ faces with my own saliva. (Vile, I know, but there it is.)
• Watched “Tommy Boy,” Napoleon Dynamite,” “Grease” and “Pulp Fiction” many, many times (too many times to count).
• Watched “Transformers” and “Iron Man” while pretending it was because the boys wanted to watch. (We all know how I feel about Shia LaBeouf and Robert Downey Jr.)
• Fed my children peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner.
• Laughed at “iCarly.”
• Planned an outfit around a necklace or pair of shoes.

MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

• Maintained this blog for more than a year.
• Gotten out of bed on these recent frigid days.
• Refrained from punching my mother-in-law.
• Endured guest lectures that seemed interesting on paper, but were executed in the most boring, soul-sucking way possible.
• Watched the George Clooney version of Batman. (Shudder.)
• Pretended to be interested in Duke basketball.
• Arranged a repair date for our recalled washer.
• Created a brachiosaurus out of patterned paper. (Origami does not come naturally to me.)
• Remembered to give Mona her heartworm pill this month.
• Flossed regularly.

PROFICIENT IN:

• Making lasagna, gyoza, potato and leek soup, and pumpkin pie.
• Getting the boys dressed in five minutes.
• Beating my hair into submission in about that same amount of time.
• Butchering complex concepts in Spanish (fourth-grade level = fine).
• Going to the gym even though I hate its guts.
• Refusing to balance my checkbook.
• Planning our next vacation.
• Dreaming about winning the lottery.
• Not wearing plaid.
• Microsoft Office and Quark.

References available upon request.