Dear Dad,
I hope you and Katherine are doing well. Eddie and I are fine, except we are going to have to move. Now that President Obama is “leading a war on traditional marriage,” we are investigating other countries to inhabit. (I am so glad Rush Limbaugh pointed out Obama’s transgressions to us. You know we look to him for advice because of his four traditional marriages’ worth of experience.)
Unfortunately, developed countries such as Belgium, Canada, Spain, Sweden and the Netherlands are out as they also support the abomination that is a union between two people who love each other. I mean two people who love each other who are also of the same gender, of course. The horror!
Like our friends in North Carolina, we certainly cannot condone that unnatural behavior. Leviticus 18:22 clearly states that someone cannot have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman. Despite the fact that appears to be good news for lesbians, we understand the intent.
I want you to know that Eddie and I also plan to abide by other passages of Leviticus. For example, we’re going to make sure we eat the leftover sacrifices on the first or second day. We had no idea that the sacrifices became impure on Day Three (Lev. 19:27). Eddie knows he can’t eat any of the offerings until he gets rid of that nasty Athlete’s foot (Lev. 22:4).
Also, I may have taken the Lord’s name in vain, so Eddie has told Shirtless George next door that he can gather a posse of fellow Shriners and stone me to death (Lev. 24:16). No one can prove that I did it, though, so I may be OK. We do plan to have a word with Mrs. Hope on Victory Drive, however. She clearly doesn’t realize that she is flirting with a stoning of her own (Lev. 20:27).
The good news is that we are going to have help moving because we can buy some people (Lev. 25:45). We also have plenty of places to choose from for our new home. Much of Africa and the Middle East have varying penalties for homosexuality.
I hear Saudi Arabia is nice this time of year, and they have the sense to have the death penalty to punish the gays. Of course, I won’t be able to drive there. If we women could drive, of course, it would “provoke a surge in prostitution, pornography, homosexuality and divorce.” We can’t have that. (And I’m sure I’ll get used to wearing an abaya.)
We’ll miss you and Katherine, Dad, but you know we just can’t have the gays running around and being happy together, let alone paying taxes and expecting equal treatment.
I know this sounds different from what I’ve said in the past, but I’ve seen the error of my ways. Thanks to Fox Nation, Pat Buchanan and Rush, of course, Eddie and I now realize that the gays are destroying our marriage (and here I thought it was all the time I spent ignoring him when I was working on my dissertation). During this dark time for heterosexual marriage, we now know that we must look to beacons of hope such as Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, Newt Gingrich, and, of course, Rush himself to educate us on how traditional marriage is supposed to work.
If Saudi Arabia doesn’t work out, there’s always the Moon. Newt won’t allow a bunch of gays up there, I’m sure. I know he’s out of the race for 2012, but there’s always hope for 2016.
Love always,
Beth
Psh. We need you here. And I for one, and THANKFUL that horrible Newt is out of the election. And was EMBARRASSED that our state chose him in the primary.
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It was embarrassing for us all.
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Perfection. Thank you.
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As a normally proud North Carolinian, I am ashamed of my homestate and loved reading this hilarious yet to-the-point letter…it is probably how many of my fellow tarheels feel which is…well honestly my graduate professor…stupid.
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Nice! Loved it.
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Thank you!
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Note to new readers: If you like this post, please subscribe to the blog!
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If you guys happen to stumble about lost and cold in the deep woods of Sweden, i would be happy to offer my humble hospitality 🙂
A most refreshing piece of mind you got there!
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That sounds fantastic — thank you!
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Really, your bible says so many ridiculous things, why don’t you stone the disobediant children? Why are you wearing blended fabrics, and why the fuck are you eating so much? You are a woman so why don’t you do what the bible says and shut the fuck up? How about you brush up on the proper way to beat your slave, or marry the man who rapes you? How about you grab dome popcorn and cheer for God as he commands bears to rip apart children? Dumb fucking cunt.
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Hi Russell! Thanks for reading. You are aware this is a satirical post, right?
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I’m can’t figure out if he’s aware of anything, after reading that post.
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You are welcome in Canada!!!
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Thank you! (And thanks for reading.)
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You can come to Australia, for the time-being. Our Prime Minister is the only leader of a western democratic country to firmly believe that gays shouldn’t be allowed to get married just “because”, despite her being an avowed atheist living in a defacto relationship with a male hairdresser.
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Ha! That’s awesome!
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This is so funny. You’re the best!
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Thanks!
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