Observe and report

The ubiquitous Facebook Eeyore

Dear Facebook Friends:

I think I need to explain why I use Facebook. I use it to:

• Stay connected with people I don’t see every day.
• Find out interesting information (news, trivia, links, etc.).
• Enjoy astute and/or funny comments on links, status updates, photos, etc.
• Share photos.
• Make plans.
• Promote new posts on this blog.

I do not use it to:

• Boost my self-esteem by sending friend requests to everyone who breathes in my direction.
• Boost other people’s self-esteem by blowing sunshine up their asses constantly. (Some people seem to need this. Sorry. I can’t do it.)

I barely know some of you on my friends list, but that’s OK. There must be something about your posts I like. If not, I hide your posts in my news feed.

What kinds of things make me want to hide you?

• Passive-aggressive status updates.
• Posts about what new material items you have acquired, will acquire or want to acquire.
• Song lyrics, Bible verses and cryptic poetry.
• Minutiae of your life.
• Constant complaining.
• Relentless self-promotion.
• Trash-talking.
• Numerous photos of yourself taken with your phone.
• Posting opinions and then getting mad if someone disagrees with you.
• Game and app invitations and posts.

Once in a while is fine for all these things. (Heck, I’m even guilty of a couple of those.) If it is every day, then Houston, we have a problem.

I’m not the only one who feels this way. Take a look at this comic from The Oatmeal.

I rarely defriend people, though, because I worry about backlash. I am thrilled (THRILLED!), though, when one of these repeat offenders defriends me.

This happened recently. Perhaps the person hoped to punish me by denying me access to constant attention-seeking status reports, on which I refused to comment. We don’t share the same goals, sense of humor, world views, values, or even the same appreciation for punctuation. So neither of us was getting anything out of this virtual relationship.

Of course I wish this person all the best in life. I really do. I’m just happy not to be part of it on Facebook, or feel guilty for not having anything to say about it.

Now, as for the rest of you, I look forward to your funny observations, shrewd comments, links to Daily Show clips, and details of strange experiences like watching someone take photos of your house.

Update away, good friends!
Beth