Observe and report

Explanation of this post: Sometimes there’s only so much a straight girl can say in support of The Gays (and I promise this is the last post this week about this topic). Luckily, Chris, a friend of mine who happens to be gay, allowed me to share this letter he recently sent to an old high school “friend” who sent him a Facebook inbox message to tell him he couldn’t send him a friend request. Yes, you read that right.

Dear XXXXXXX,

Thanks for your message. I’m sorry that I don’t share your sadness about not being able to send me a friend request due to your concerns about my “immortal soul.” I would like, however, to point out that I’ve been doing just fine without your “friendship” for the past 30 years since graduation. And as I recall, I did fine without it then too. Unless of course you consider knowing each other’s names as “friendship.” Please don’t feel obligated to “pray for me.” Your prayers would be better used asking whomever you pray to for more important things, such as some intelligence, fashion advice or at the very least, the willpower to lose some weight.

Although we won’t be reminiscing about past good times together (we had none) or talking about my family (I’d be embarrassed for them to know you) or even discussing current events (you’ve obviously failed to grow up and are emotionally stunted so I’m sure holding an adult conversation would be challenging for you), I’m sure this will leave more time for your obvious other interests of attending Klan rallies, making love to farm animals, and looking up Bible verses to include in messages. (FYI, “Leviticus” is spelled the way I typed it; there’s no “a.”)

So take care. No need to write back. (It just takes too long for me to translate your misspellings, typos and grammatical errors.) I wish you the best (and by that I mean that you can kiss the darkest part of my ass).

My best to your fat wife (let her know those roots could use a touch up) and if they can stand to touch you, hug your kids for me.

Chris 🙂