Observe and report

Dear Men:

I’ve been traveling more than usual lately, and I’ve had occasion to observe you without you knowing you are being observed. (No, we’re not talking about stalking; it’s called “people watching,” for Pete’s sake!)

I want to save you from yourselves. Here is a short list of things you like and that you seem to think women like. I promise that we don’t. (Yes, I know I’m generalizing. Stay with me here.)

Women don’t like:
1. Soul patches.
2. Clinging to the hair you think you have. (When in doubt, be boldly bald.)
3. Pants with pockets on your hips (i.e. Wrangler jeans). Are these supposed to make you look trim? They don’t.
4. Talking to women on planes when they clearly are involved in a rousing game of Candy Crush Saga.
5. Air guitar solos.
6. Pants that belt below the curve of your butt. Stop. It.
7. Accidental-on-purpose-I’m-just-scooting-past-you penis grazes.
8. Loud cell phone conversations where you dog a coworker for “responding poorly to the situation.” (We don’t think you are important. You just seem like a jerk.)
9. Waiting for the restroom on the plane with your crotch in their faces. Please turn away.
10. That awful frat boy hair. You know, this:

Here are some general things women DO like:
1. To be left alone on planes, in restaurants, at bars when they are by themselves playing Candy Crush Saga.
2. Quiet time on the airplane. (See No. 1.)
3. Personal space.
4. Not to be called “little lady.”
5. Wine.
6. The good chocolate. (Richart, for example. None of that Whitman’s crap.)
7. You, if you are interesting and have a good sense of humor.
8. But only if the woman appears to want to engage in conversation to find that out.
9. Seeing you clean the house, empty the dishwasher, and take out the trash (if the relationship progresses, of course).
10. Not being approached from behind when they are emptying the dishwasher.

I’m just trying to help you. Let me know if you need more advice.

Sincerely,
Beth