Observe and report

Guest post by C. Brenon Day

To whoever is reading this and thinking about knocking on my door:

I go to work at 4 a.m. and need to sleep, or I am working on a painting that needs my full attention.

In the interest of time management, please see the warning category that might apply to you.

Family or friends: Bring sweet tea, chocolate and/or french fries. Call me on my cell.

Republican: Isn’t there a group you need to be suppressing or a book burning that needs organizing?

Democrat: Shouldn’t you be out trying to organize a protest or applying for a job?

Independent: You have Republicans and Democrats knocking on your own door, so why are you on my porch?

Green: You must be high. There is a gas station just down the street. They have Cheetos and Cheerwine. I don’t.

Tea Bag Party: There is a woman thinking about voting on something. Don’t y’all have rules in your manifesto against that? Go check your copy at home.

Religion representatives: Yes, I have found him. We are discussing your future outcome right now, in fact.

Alarm companies: Don’t mind that click; it’s just me turning the safety off. Oh, and if you see the large dog muzzle laying in the yard just leave it. I’ll pick it up on the way to my court-ordered anger-management meeting.

Yard care services: Question for you: If I bury a dismembered body in the yard, do I need to fertilize next year or will that be enough?

Cleaning supply or housekeeping care services: I know how to get blood out of carpet and get rid of DNA and fingerprints off of most surfaces, so I’m good, thanks!

All others: Just don’t.

Have a great day!