Dear Mr. Trump:
I have not been in the basket for you. In fact, Eddie is a well-known bad hombre, and I’ve been a pretty nasty woman.
But thanks to all my uber-conservative friends on Facebook, I’ve seen the light (because that’s how things work on social media, right?!).
Clearly I was wrong about you. This whole time, I thought that your slogan “Make America Great Again” meant that you wanted to return America to a better time for white men — you know, when women and black people “knew their place.”
But, of course you can’t mean that. Here’s what I think you must mean, as this is what “Making America Great Again” means to me:
- Music on MTV (which stands for — get this — “Music Television“).
- Must See TV Thursday night line-up.
- Three-martini lunches (gone before I started working, but they seem like a great idea).
- Abundant fireflies.
- A dinner where no one checks his/her phone.
- AP style used “more than” for amount and did not allow “hopefully” to mean “it is hoped.”
- No texted weiner pics.
- The toughest tech to figure out was how to hit play/record at the moment when the DJ stopped talking.
- The iPhone had a built-in headphone jack.
- You weren’t in politics.
Sorry. That last one slipped in there. I guess I can’t even pretend. I tried.
I’ll be making America great STILL* with my vote today. I hope I’m in the majority.
And I hope this will be you tonight:
A flamin’ hot, angry Cheeto
Please go away.
Thanks,
Beth
*even better, actually
Observe and report 
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