Observe and report

Dear Handy Ladies Who Want Certain Spa Treatments at Home:

Interested in the unique services at Jeju Sauna but are strapped for cash? Here’s a low-cost way to set up shop in the privacy of your own home!

Things you will need:
Four hand towels
Two shower curtains
Card table
Dish sponge with pot-scrubber
Garden hose
Crock pot
Coffee table
Saw
A handful of grass, weeds and any herbs that have been in your spice cabinet for two years or more

Instructions for the “body shampoo” portion of your home sauna:

• Set up the card table in your garage or back/side yard.
• Place one shower curtain over the table.
• Hook up the hose to the nearest sink that can deliver warm water.
• Go to the grocery store and bring home with you the first 10 women you see. (You’ll have to spring for Uber XL.)
• Once they get to your house, you and nine of them will disrobe and try desperately not to look at each other while you take a shower with the hose. The 10th will wait patiently fully clothed. (If you are a Never Nude, stop here, and go read something else. This won’t work with cutoffs.)
• Put one hand towel across the room/yard. Hold onto the other one.
• Get up on the card table while the other ladies watch you.
• Instruct the 10th lady to rub you all over with the pot-scrubber side of the sponge. She is allowed to say only these words/phrases: Face down, face up, turn, hair wash.
• Tell the lady to make sure she scrubs all of you (yes, every single scrap of exposed skin), contorting you as necessary to get those hard-to-reach places.
• Explain to her that she needs to rinse you off occasionally by pointing the hose directly between your legs.
• Place the hand towel over your face.
• Weep quietly as the woman sands off your nipples.
• Flip around so she can wash your hair on the other end of the table. Try not to slide off:

• Make sure the lady shampoos your hair like Bugs Bunny washes Elmer Fudd in “Rabbit of Seville” (3:59 into the link if you don’t get that reference). Then she should drag a brush through it without regard to your pain threshold. It will remind you of your mom getting the ponytail-prep tangles out of your hair. She didn’t care about pain either.
• When she is done, creep delicately while tingling and raw over to the second hand towel to dry off.
• Ask the 10th lady to stay while you send the others home. You’ll tip her later.
• Bask in a job well done while you lather lotion on your abrasions.

Instructions for the “hip bath” portion of your home sauna:

• Cut a hole in the middle of the coffee table with the saw.
• Ask the lady who stayed to fill up the crock pot with the yard clippings and other greenery.
• Also ask her to add water from the garden hose.
• Then she should plug in the crock pot, turn it up to high, and stick it under the hole.
• Finally, she needs to place the remaining two hand towels around the opening in the coffee table.
• Tip the lady and send her home.
• Wrap the shower curtain around your naked body.
• Sit over the hole. That’s right.
• Make sure the shower curtain covers you and the coffee table to form an impenetrable seal. You, the table and crock pot will become one under the plastic tent.
• Vaporize that vajayjay for at least 45 minutes while watching the news.
• Lament the state of the world.
• Sweat like a mofo and marvel at the 100-degree temperature difference between your head and your bits. Also wonder if it really will do the 12+ things it is reported to do.
• Reflect that you didn’t need any of the outcomes; you were just curious.
• Consider that this is not the weirdest thing you’ve ever done in your life.
• Ask yourself why you are like this.
• When your time is up, get off the pot, and hose off again.
• Get dressed in the most comfortable clothes you own. Perhaps a Mrs. Roper-style muumuu.
• Put away all the materials, and get ready for the next time. (Unless there won’t be a next time, of course.)

Hip bath setup: Fancy version

There you go!

A DIY dream. Ty Pennington would be proud. (Yes, he’s back.)

Best wishes to you and your freshly steamed cooter,
Beth