Observe and report

Dear Cruise Buffet Patrons:

Unlike most people apparently, I do not go on a cruise to eat. I go on a cruise to turn off my phone without guilt and spend time reading magazines and playing Uno with friends and family.

Some of you live for the food. That is clear from your behavior during the times I did visit the buffet for sustenance.

Unfortunately, you left your manners back in port (if you had them to begin with).

Let me offer a refresher on proper buffet behavior:

• DO wear shoes. Yes, this goes for your kids too.
• DO pull up your pants. Ass crack is not appetizing.
• DO take advantage of the hand sanitizer at the door. No one wants your germs anywhere near the food.
• DO understand that there is enough food for everyone. I guarantee it. No need to shove. For example, just look at this mound of bacon:

At least one pig was more than harmed in the making of this pork pile.

• DO say “thank you” if someone hands you the bacon tongs. DO NOT be a jerk.
• DO say excuse me if your belly nearly knocks over a child. It’s just the right thing to do.
• DO be nice to the wait staff. They work 10 hours a day for seven months with few breaks.
• DO take small portions of the things you want to try. The best thing about a buffet is that you can go back for more if you are still hungry. Otherwise, you are throwing away good food.
  

  So much food goes to waste on a cruise.

• DO chew with your mouth closed. You should have learned this by now.
• DO NOT, under any circumstances, start talking if you have food in your mouth. Please.
• DO NOT eat your steak with one hand while you walk around the buffet area with your plate in the other. (True story.) It’s shocking I would have to remind you that good manners dictate that steak is to be eaten at the table with a knife and fork.
• Really, DO NOT eat anything off your plate or the buffet in the buffet area.

To be honest, this list goes for all buffets everywhere – not just on a cruise. If necessary, print this list for future reference. Your fellow diners will thank you.

Sincerely supportive of sneezeguards,
Beth