That’s right, readers: We are still living in the apartment complex. We decided we liked not having to maintain a house and its landscape. Something’s broken? Call maintenance. It’s great.
So that means we’re here for another summer, which means the return of “Dispatches from the pool.” Here are links to the starts of Seasons 1 and 2, if you need a recap. Enjoy!
EPISODE 1: You’re not melting, I promise
Rated G for gentle sprinkles
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX POOL – LATE SUNDAY AFTERNOON
ENTER WOMAN (usually referred to as “MOTHER,” but this time she is blissfully alone, having had the house to herself for two days while the others were traveling)
Seven TWENTYSOMETHINGS are scattered around the pool area sunning themselves like alligators on a riverbank.
WOMAN settles into a lounge chair with her trashy magazine (People, of course) and adult sippy cup.
WOMAN sees the girls taking pics she assumes are for Insta.
WOMAN feels the need to do a meta photo. A pretend Instagram photo of her legs, in typical Insta style, that includes the girls posting to Instagram. (Pretend Instagram because her actual Instagram features the adventures of a taxidermied raccoon paw.)
(Note: This photo would never have happened 50 pounds ago. Remember how whaley and uncomfortable WOMAN was in Season 1? That’s right.)
WOMAN’S phone BUZZES with a response to an earlier text
Raindrops FALL.
Every one of the TWENTYSOMETHINGS immediately scuttles away.
WOMAN, an actual meteorologist, looks at the clouds and knows the rain will pass.
WOMAN (under her breath)
Oh please. It’s just sprinkling. You’re not going to melt.
WOMAN continues reading her now slightly damp magazine. She is now completely alone at the pool, but not for long.
FATHER and ONE KID — GIDEON — appear in the pool area.
FATHER
You run everyone off?
MOTHER (no longer WOMAN as she is not alone)
(Shrugs)
GIDEON
Hey, Mama!
MOTHER
Hey, Baby. You have a good time in Savannah?
GIDEON
Yeah.
That’s it. No further conversation from that one. He’s 13.
General discussion ensues between FATHER and MOTHER regarding a friend’s golfing and early-bedtime habits.
GIDEON
Watch me skip my sandal!
MOTHER discovers she has reached the end of the beverage in her water bottle.
MOTHER
Right. Time to go.
FATHER (who also has reached the end of his)
Yeah.
END SCENE
Observe and report 
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