Dear Lamar,
It’s clear your ex didn’t treat you as well as I treated my ex. However, please do not bring your baggage into this relationship. Please save your drama for times I can do something about it. Like when we are at the dealership for regular service.
I’m not happy that you refused to start the other day. It seemed like it was your battery or starter. In case it was the former, I haunted the nearest intersection until I found someone with jumper cables.
When that didn’t work, I was forced to tow you to the dealership. Jeff, the service guy, is getting used to that kind of call from me.
As it turns out, it WAS your battery, but I probably shouldn’t have even tried the jump.
“It was an Interstate battery,” Jeff sniffed, all condescension. “We’ll get you a good one.”
He did, and you and I were back together.
It would be great if you could behave, though.
Love,
Your new girl
*An underrated early Adam and the Ants track
Observe and report 
Ok, the post title stumped me this time. This was one reference I didn’t get. And I’m just gonna put this out there ’cause I fèel like it: Lamar and Jeff, conspiracy!
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I had not considered conspiracy theory, but you are probably right. 😉
The title is an OLD Adam and the Ants song. I’m a huge Ant fan.
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