Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Random’ Category

To Paula Deen the Butter Queen

Posted in Politics, Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2013| 8 Comments »

Paula in happier days

Dear Paula Deen:

I know you are going through a rough time right now. Even with the chaos in Texas (go Wendy!) and the Supreme Court decision on that stupid Defense of Marriage Act (you know how I feel about that), you are still in the spotlight.

By all accounts (from people who know you, worked for you, still work for you, were raised by you, etc.) you are not racist by definition. Hard-driving, stubborn and raunchy, perhaps, but not racist. The plaintiff in that year-old lawsuit (who is white, surprisingly) even admits she never heard you make racist remarks.

It’s never OK to use THAT word (or any derogatory word like that). But I’m willing to cut you some slack on a 30-year-old mistake. (Especially as you apologized. Repeatedly.)

I mean, let’s be honest here: Who hasn’t had some tragic lapses in judgment? Let’s look at some of the decades-old moments for which I need to atone:

  1. St. Patrick’s Day 1993
  2. Fancy Dress 1989
  3. That one time at drama camp …
  4. Dating the dude from Macy’s receiving department (My dad’s observation: “Doesn’t that guy own any shirts with sleeves?”)
  5. This dress:Prom 1985 (It’s no wonder I don’t have a stitch of lace in my closet now. I reached my Designated Lace Quota in 1985.)
  6. This hair: '80s hair(Aqua Net was my best friend.)
  7. While we’re at it, this hair too: Blonde ambition(The ill-advised blonde ambition phase. What the what?)
  8. Being a mean girl to a nice boy who asked me to a dance. And not being a mean girl to a not-so-nice boy who asked me to a different dance. (That boy ended up talking through dinner about all the times in his life he had barfed. I sure know how to pick ’em.)
  9. Not buying that house on Jones Street.
  10. Allowing Neil the Cockatiel to escape the dorm suite I shared with his mom.

I’m sure I’ve committed many more sins than I can remember right now. We all have regrets. We all don’t have to fess up to them in a deposition.

Good luck with everything. You know how people are when they decide to make someone a scapegoat. If you need a personal pick-me-up, read a blog post by Michael Twitty, a fellow who addresses the real problem in an eloquent way.

It’s not all about you; it’s about pervasive, systemic racism. It’s about the real challenges people who are not white face. And white people don’t see and understand these challenges precisely because they are white. (Contrary to common conservative thought, we all can’t get where we want to go through hard work. We are not all born equal.)

We need to get to a point as a nation where difference doesn’t come with judgment. My kids see difference in skin color, but they don’t attach “good” or “bad” labels to that difference.

For example, Dominic noticed that one of his camp counselors, a black woman, was married to a white man. I said that I hoped that didn’t bother him because his daddy and I are an interracial couple too.

Gideon piped up and said, “Oh I know. You are really white and Daddy is brown.”

Dominic replied, “Daddy’s not brown. He’s tan.”

(Note that photo in No. 7 up there and decide for yourself.)

Difference is good.* Judgment is bad.

But I think you know that.

Yours in love of buttery goodness,
Beth

* How boring would it be if we were all the same?

Read Full Post »

Someday is not a day of the week

Posted in Random, tagged , , on June 23, 2013| 2 Comments »

Dear Procrastinators Anonymous:

My name is Beth and I am a procrastinator. Not all the time, but about certain things. Lately, anyway.

Forgive me, PA, for I have sinned. Repeatedly.

Here’s a rundown of my misdeeds:

1. Dawdled on an article for the local newspaper. I did all the interviews and the research, but couldn’t nail my butt to the chair to write the story.
Outcome: Success. It took 20 minutes. Why did I wait so long?

2. Avoided calling Delta to change flights from summer break to winter because I knew it was going to be a hassle and, possibly, an expensive exchange.
Outcome: Flights changed and I earned a credit because I threatened to cry and/or vomit from the stress and the expense. I was on the phone for more than an hour, though.

3. Dragged my feet on making reservations for a place to stay for the trip above because I’m terrified of getting caught by another rental scam.
Outcome: Made reservations. Still terrified. At least I paid with a credit card this time.

3. Put off reading feedback from certain people in a certain forum because I know one person (or maybe more) hates my guts.
Outcome: Haters gonna hate. Suffice it to say I’ve learned that holding people accountable is not the way to win Miss Congeniality.

4. Dallied in cooking the bacalao Eddie brought home.
Outcome: Have you had bacalao? It’s stinky and time-consuming. You have to soak that stuff before you can cook it. It’s not worth it. I threw it away today. (Don’t tell my mother-in-law. That’d be yet another black mark against me.)

5. Stalled on writing posts for this blog. I’ve had a few ideas, but no strong motivation. And I’m mortified that I’ve slipped to such infrequent updates.
Outcome: Well, you’re reading something, right?

You know what I need? Deadlines. If I don’t have a deadline, it doesn’t get done.

My deadline for this post was yesterday. Oh well.

See you soon,
Beth

Procrastination

Read Full Post »

Field Day (i.e., A Date with Satan)

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , on May 31, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Dear Teachers:

I admire you and appreciate you every single day. It takes a certain day of the year, though, to really remind me that your selfless, barely-paid work keeps me and moms like me out of straightjackets.

That day is Field Day.*

As soon as I set up shop in the Sack Race/Tug of War tent, I remembered that I vowed last year that I would never volunteer again.

Field Day must be like childbirth where you forget the pain and screaming until you are back at it. That’s the only excuse I have for volunteering again. I just forgot that it was akin to Lower Hell, otherwise known as the City of Dis, where active sins are punished.

Field Day at my children's school

Field Day at my children’s school

I took the morning off from work, thinking, “How bad could it be?”

It was bad.

So bad.

I’m not sure when I lost my will to live. It could have been after I told Ashton No. 14 to stop picking his nose (or that might have been Connor No. 12 or Jaden No. 9).

It could have been after I plucked fragments of the Tug of War rope out of my bloodied hands after telling the sixth group of jackals children to “Stop pulling! This side has already won!”

It could have been after my youngest child earned the Academy Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role for his performance as Tug of War Pileup Casualty.

I know this for sure: As my undercarriage area started steaming, I thought, “Never again.”

My husband made the mistake of calling me in the middle of this. I verbally assaulted him. He may have already consulted an attorney.

The outer ring of the seventh circle of Hell (ie. violence against people and property) nearly welcomed me when I took a break to go inside to get water. A number of women were sitting in chairs in the air-conditioned snack room — their assigned volunteer spots — chatting about shopping. Their hair was still styled, clothes clean and dry, foreheads unsheened. I regarded them through rage-clouded eyes and restrained my fists of fury.

Back outside with a warm, begrudgingly offered bottle of water, I slogged through what seemed like 4,000 more sack races and rope battles. Time stood still.

Sack Race No. 2,147

Sack Race No. 2,147

After the last group of the morning had shoved and cried their way through the two “games,” it was time for lunch. My oldest child, who suddenly looked so much taller than he had that morning, asked me if I would eat lunch with him in his classroom. He took me by the hand and said, “I love you, Mama.”

And I remembered why I volunteered.

See you next year!
Beth

* A day that consists of trying to corral children into teams to compete in games that are supposed to be fun. These games devolve into pushing matches, crying jags, and squeals of “he’s cheating!” And that’s just the parents. (I’m kidding. It was just me.)

Read Full Post »

Bear this in mind

Posted in Random on April 30, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Rainbow Inn

Dear Ladies of 703,

Well, here it is: the update on my stay at the Rainbow Inn.

When I first saw it, I wanted to abort the mission and race back down the mountain to find a Hilton. But that’s a little daunting when your GPS looks like this:

GPS

Also, I had already paid. Plus, as I am always telling you all, unusual experiences make great stories. This was bound to be an interesting experience, as this is what greeted me when I parked:

Rainbow bear

As I walked up the path, another creature greeted me. This one said his name was Alan and he had just spent 11 days in a tent. He was looking for a room for the night, but no one was inside. Instead, there was a note on the door.

Note

A note on the open door! This ain’t no Hilton.

No, this is a throwback to a different time where the words “rainbow” and “bear” didn’t automatically lead to assumptions.

This is a place where the aforementioned Alan can wander into the guest lounge in his bathrobe, sit down next to you on the couch for a chat, and it doesn’t seem like an advance from a creep.

This is a bed and breakfast where Windean will make you a to-go breakfast burrito if you can’t make the sit-down at 9 a.m. She’ll even make sure you know it’s yours by sticking a cute tag on it:

Burrito note

This is a place where you get to “town” by hopping from rock to rock to cross a creek.

This is a place where you abandon your preconceived notions and go with the flow.

I was glad I did.

See you Wednesday!
Beth

Read Full Post »

A post about an email that is a ‘rough f—— ride’

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on April 25, 2013| 2 Comments »

Rebecca Martinson

Dear Rebecca Martinson,

I read today that you resigned from Delta Gamma after the email you wrote when you were (ahem) upset went viral.

Your sisters at University of Maryland had this to say in a collective statement on the chapter’s Facebook page:

This is a regrettable action by a college junior, a personal email that is now on view for a global audience.

And as all reasonable people can agree, this is an email that should never have been sent by its author. Period.

Yeah, maybe. But it truly was a work of genius. You said, in a diatribe that involved (by my count) 63 expletives and insults, what you honestly thought about the women in Delta Gamma who were not contributing to the events planned by the sorority.

Yeah, maybe you should have said all these things at a chapter meeting instead of writing them down.

Still, you said what needed to be said. Those of us who are overachievers and commit to something are constantly irritated by the folks who half-ass their way through life. We’ve written that same email in our heads, but perhaps without your elegance (and ability to boot an awesome phrase into the public lexicon).

It’s not really fair to call you “deranged” or “rabid.” You were just pissed, and for what seems like good reason.

Don’t even get me started on people using your letter as an excuse to bash sororities. That’s like scapegoating a faith because of a couple of crazies. Oh wait …

(Full disclosure: I was — am — a Chi Omega. I learned time management skills, made lifelong friends, and even got a great job in part because one of the women interviewing me also was a Chi O.)

It’s probably smart that you resigned and are now lying low until some other scandal catches attention. I don’t know what you are majoring in at University of Maryland, but I hope it is something to do with writing. (I’m guessing it’s probably not PR, though). You definitely have talent.

Wishing you the best,
Beth

Read Full Post »

This Easter morning blows

Posted in Random, Religion (or lack thereof), tagged , , , on March 31, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Leaf blower jerk

Dear Jackass with a Leaf Blower:

I’m sure you thought you were being efficient by clearing the way for Easter sunrise service attendees.

Sunrise means dawn, though. And the beach is a popular vacation spot. People on vacation like to sleep. Often, they choose the beach so that they can be lulled by the gentle sound of the ocean.
Leaf blowers are not a gentle sound. At 5:19 a.m., they are not a welcome addition to a beach vacation.

What were you blowing, anyway? Tybee isn’t exactly New England in the fall, sporting a lush carpet of leaves.

Were you blowing sand? Why? People coming to a sunrise service at the pier have to accept a little sand. It is the beach, for crying out loud.

If I see you again, I’m going to use your leaf blower for another purpose. (Let me give you a hint: Your next colonoscopy will be easy breezy.)

I want you and your obnoxious friends — you know, the car alarm, barking dog and loud, drunk girl — to get off the island.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Beth
Tybee

Read Full Post »

Panic on the 10th floor

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on March 23, 2013| 3 Comments »

image

Dear WebMD:

Thank you for making me feel better last night — eventually. First you scared the crap out of me.

Some background: On the plane ride to New York, I had read an article about a woman with ALS who is working through her bucket list as she prepares for the eventuality of the disease. The article described the symptoms, of course.

Fast forward to last night. Suddenly my left arm started to hurt. And then I felt numbness and tingling in my fingers. Thinking about the article, I started to panic.

Note: My husband sometimes paints me as a hypochondriac. I’m not. I don’t always think there is something wrong with me. On the rare occasions when there IS something wrong with me, I just assume the worst (i.e., a headache is an aneurysm). Anything but that is better, right? So I’m always relieved.

You helped me check out my symptoms. As it turns out, my symptoms fit the ones for a heart attack also. Insert panic.

Am I having a heart attack in this hotel room? Will I die and be found tomorrow by Verna, the housekeeper assigned to my room? Should I call Eddie?

The answer to that last question is always “no.” I did that to him once when I was in France. I had a severe headache (the worst of my life), so of course I assumed I had viral meningitis. I told him that via text and promptly went to sleep. I woke up much later and felt GREAT! He was feeling not-so-great, if the 22 worried text messages, missed calls and emails were any indication.

Back to Panic Central. I did not have shortness of breath or a tightness in my chest, so I kept searching. Another entry noted that joint pain can result from a fall when the person has tried to brace herself.

Oh. Riiiiight. That.

The day before, I fell rather spectacularly on 47th Street. I broke my fall with my hands. Aha.

Satisfied that my arm pain was innocuous, I went to sleep. My arm feels fine today.

So thank you, WebMD. You’re still one of my best friends.

See you soon, I’m sure!
Beth

P.S. Here’s a funny video imagining social media sites as people at a party. You are my favorite.

Read Full Post »

Note to the Back Bay boor

Posted in Random, tagged , , on March 18, 2013| 2 Comments »

Brownstone Boston

Dear Sean, patron of the Boston bar Brownstone:

I admire your confidence as a single man out on the town. However, I’d like to give you a couple of tips:

1. It is almost always a waste of time to approach two women who are clearly engaged in a serious discussion.

Julia and I hadn’t seen each other in a year. We had to catch up. We saw you staring at us across the counter two feet away, but we did not make eye contact with you for a reason.

2. You are asking for trouble if you try to insert yourself anyway.

I admit that it was an ingenious move to leave your drink on the other side of the counter, then reach through us to retrieve it. Yes, we had to pay attention to you. It was not the kind of attention you wanted, though.

3. Don’t put your coat on top of the coat on the chair of one of the women you want to pick up.

Julia didn’t know you. She didn’t want your nasty coat on top of hers.

4. Come up with better compliments than “I like your glasses” and “I like your curls.”

That’s it? That’s all you had?

5. Dipping is gross.

And if you ARE going to dip, don’t take the wad out of your mouth and stuff it in your pocket when one of the women makes fun of you for dipping. That’s even more disgusting.

6. If women tell you they are gay, that is a clear sign they are not into you.

They may be gay, or they may be heterosexual women claiming to be gay to get you to leave. Either way, they are clearly not an option for you.

Brownstone Boston

See that counter between the pillars? That’s the scene of the crime.

The moment you went to get another drink, we seized our opportunity to escape. I hope you appreciate these tips (and the fact that I brought you your coat before we left).

Better luck next time!
Beth

P.S. If you bear a strong resemblance to Joran van der Sloot, so much the worse for you.

Read Full Post »

Parenting 101, redux

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on February 28, 2013| 1 Comment »

Dear WordPress:

I’m super annoyed at the fact that you decided to delete one of my posts. Here’s evidence that I actually posted something Feb. 22:

Screen shot 2013-02-28 at 2.43.22 PM

Were you trying to protect the woman I was complaining about, or did you simply make a big fat mistake?

To recap, I was irritated with the woman whose children have music lessons the same day as mine. Her child is a complete brat, but I believe he behaves that way because she allows it. A friend of mine pointed out that it could be that her son has developmental delays or learning challenges. I did consider that, and maybe he does. However, I’ve been observing his behavior and hers for more than three months now and I’m convinced that she is causing the problem or exacerbating an existing problem.

Here’s some evidence:

  • She is more interested in talking loudly on her cell phone than paying attention to him and what he is doing.
  • She makes very little effort to interact with him or redirect him in any way.
  • Instead of being specific about what she wants him to do (ie. read instead of play an iPad game), she asks him over and over again if he wants to do it. What kid wouldn’t say, “No” to a question like that?

My point in the post was that she clearly needs help in the form of a therapist, nanny or more involved husband or partner. I wasn’t so much telling her how she needed to parent her son, just that I would like her to make sure her son is not a huge disruption in the music lesson waiting room.

Maybe it is a good thing you deleted the former post, because now I have new information to share.

The son’s behavior was out of control this week, yet she had the nerve to give us parenting advice. WTF?!?

Check this out (faces obscured to protect the guilty):

The offense

That’s the kid lying in the middle of the floor. On the right is a guy carrying a large something and he needs to get by. On the left is the mom not doing anything. Only after the guy struggled to get past did she say anything.

The mom: Can you sit up in the chair?

The kid: NO!

In fact, he moved himself more into the center of the room. Then she stepped over him and LEFT THE ROOM to talk on her cell phone!

Later, she overheard Eddie telling one of the instructors he was sorry Gideon hadn’t practiced as much as usual. She piped up with this beauty:

Here’s what I do with my children: I offer a reward every time they practice their instruments.

Seriously, Woman? You feel you are in a position to offer any parenting advice at all? Notice my child in the photo above. See how he is sitting quietly, looking on in amazement at what the your kid is doing?

Now I do have some advice for you: STFU.

As for you, WordPress, don’t you dare delete this post!

Sincerely,
Beth

Read Full Post »

In Dixie land, I’ll take my stand

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on February 25, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Dear East Dublin Lions Club Members:

I was shocked to learn today that you have decided to cancel the 2013 Redneck Games. According to the Associated Press article, there are four reasons for this decision:

  1. The economy
  2. Low attendance at prior festivals
  3. Sponsors backing out
  4. Scrutiny from the Georgia Environmental Protection Division folks who found fecal bacteria in the Oconee River.

No. 1 is a lame, catch-all excuse, so I won’t even address that.

No. 2 and 3 go hand-in-hand, but it is your own fault: You moved the successful festival from July to Memorial Day Weekend last year. What were you thinking? Surely you weren’t surprised that only a few hardcore fans (ahem … folks like me … ahem) showed up. And the ratio of attendees to media people was about 3:1.

Media attention, Redneck Games 2012

Media attention, Redneck Games 2012

That brings us to No. 4 (maybe this should have been No. 2 — har har). First of all, YUCK! Get that cleaned up! Second, just stop people from going in the river. No big deal. Give ’em some hoses or a set up a sprinkler and they will be fine.

Redneck Riviera, Redneck Games 2011

Redneck Riviera, Redneck Games 2011

I hope you will reconsider. If you embraced technology, got your website up to scratch, and started using social media effectively, you could build on all the media attention from years past and have an amazing, well-attended festival.

You should not deny the public the ability to see this:

Bobbin' for pigs' feet, Redneck Games 2010

Bobbin’ for pigs’ feet, Redneck Games 2010

Or this:

Mudpit belly flop, Redneck Games 2010

Mudpit belly flop, Redneck Games 2010

Or even this:

Stylish attendee, Redneck Games 2011

Stylish attendee, Redneck Games 2011

Please reconsider. Don’t let me down.

Old times, they are not forgotten,
Beth

Southern style

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »