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Bemoaning “be mine”

Posted in Random, tagged , , on February 14, 2013| 2 Comments »

hith-valentine

Dear St. Valentine:

I understand we have you to thank for the most dreadful of all holidays. I know you didn’t mean for this to happen. You were just hanging out, performing illegal Christian marriages, curing the random blind girl, etc. Then Claudius II got his panties in a wad and killed you in 269 AD. Of course he didn’t do it himself; he had someone else carry out the three-part killing of beating, stoning and decapitation. That must have been loads of fun.

But before you died, you had to go and write that note to the formerly blind daughter of your jailer, signing it “from your Valentine.” Way to go. Now it’s a “thing.”

Yes, I know that Chaucer had a hand in creating this holiday too. Apparently, no one celebrated this day until he wrote “Parliament of Foules” around 1375. He manages to link love with St. Valentine’s feast day–an association that didn’t exist until after his poem received widespread attention.

For this was sent on Seynt Valentyne’s day
Whan every foul cometh ther to choose his mate

So why am I so grumpy? I just think it is over-commercialized crap. It is a holiday that makes so many people feel awful. Unhappily single people hate it because it is a reminder of their relationship status. Many married couples hate it because it puts pressure on each person to get the “right” gift or make the “best” plans.

It’s a waste of money.

If you love someone, shouldn’t you show it every day of the year and not one Hallmark-dictated day?

Yes, I’m a Valentine’s Day Scrooge. (I do like those yummy conversation hearts, though.)

Sorry, V. It’s not you. It’s me.

Anyway, I hope you can rest in peace with all those people looking at your skull every day.

XOXO,
Beth

St. Valentine

St. Valentine hangs around in his glass box in the Basilica of Santa Maria in Cosmedin, Rome (image courtesy of Rebecca Weldon)

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Disorderly conduct

Posted in Random, tagged , , on February 12, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Warning: This post contains graphic images of medical conditions.

Dear Donald G. McNeil Jr.:

Thank you for speaking to students in my class yesterday, and for speaking to a larger group of students later. I enjoyed meeting you and hearing your tales about covering “germs and worms.”

I too have a fascination with disease. Though I do not write about it for The New York Times, I do write. Readers of this blog are forced to go with me occasionally down the rabbit hole of information about horrible things.

I learned about two new disorders this week: Cancrum Oris and Buruli Ulcer.

Cancrum Oris is straight out of a horror movie. Otherwise known as “Noma,” Cancrum Oris is a type of gangrene that only affects the face, and only appears in children. It is caused by two different bacteria and usually shows up after another serious disease such as measles or scarlet fever.

Look away now if you don’t want to see.

Cancrum Oris

Antibiotics and improved nutrition can help this disorder from getting worse. And then there’s plastic surgery, which is sadly out of the realm of the possible for many of these poor children. (There is a reason they are malnourished.)

Buruli Ulcer is a tropical disease caused by a bacteria in the leprosy and tuberculosis family. It starts innocently with a simple nodule. It affects skin and can get into the bone. Fun!

Warning: All kinds of terrible up ahead!

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThe good news is that a vaccine is in development.

But you, as the Germ Guru, must know all this already.

I just wanted you to know that I share your fascination.

Thanks again for visiting and I hope to see you again soon.

Yours in pestilence,
Beth

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Discover this show!

Posted in Random, tagged , on February 10, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Dear Discovery Channel:

Thank you so much for offering “Dual Survival” in your lineup. I stumbled across this show while stranded in a Hampton Inn in Macon on New Year’s Day.

I am fully aware that it is edited for entertainment purposes, as is typical of reality shows. But it seems to be more “real” than most. And costar Cody seems to be a man of integrity, if his posts regarding the show are any indication.

It is one show that appeals to my entire family. We’ve all learned so much from the show. For example, I learned:

  • How to catch prey using a bamboo v-trap
  • How to start a fire using the exposed filament of a flashlight bulb
  • How to stitch a wound using leafcutter ants"Dual Survival"

I also learned that I need to put costar Joe Teti on my list.

Joe

Hot and resourceful — just how I like ’em. So thanks for that casting decision.

The next time I find myself lost in the jungle or desert, I know my reality TV addiction will produce positive results in some respect. Keep up the good work!

Your loyal viewer,
Beth

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Young grasshoppers seek master*

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , on February 4, 2013| 2 Comments »

585px-Ninja-kanji.svg

Dear Jinichi Kawakami,

I’m writing you on behalf of my son Dominic and his friend Christian. They plan to be ninjas when they grow up, and would like to start training. As you are the 21st head of the Ban family, one of the 53 families that formed the renowned Koga Clan of ninja, you are in a position to help them realize their dreams.

Despite the fact that you told American Public Media Marketplace, “You cannot make a living being a ninja!,” the boys would like to try. Their plans originally included buying a blimp and flying over Switzerland to look for any suspicious activity. They abandoned the idea when I mentioned the following:

  1. Blimps are hard to come by. It’s not like they could go to O.C. Welch’s Used Blimp Lot and pick one up.
  2. If Christian and Dominic and their friends are off ninja-ing, there is no one to fly the blimp, or park it, so to speak, in the airspace over the area that needs ninjas.
  3. Though there likely is suspicious activity in Switzerland, there are other areas that need greater scrutiny. Washington, D.C., might be a good place to start.

The new plan is to purchase an RV to serve as home base for their clan of ninja. It offers easy access for potty breaks while they are getting in a full day of surveillance. The boys plan to serve as vigilantes: rescuing the helpless, punishing evil-doers, and generally righting society’s wrongs. Like any good shinobi, they plan to do this through espionage, infiltration and even open combat, if necessary, all while dressed in the finest of ninja outfits. (Dominic’s will be green, he says, to better blend into the natural environment.)

You and I can both agree that there is still a need for ninjas today, even though I have mentioned to them your assertion that they will need day jobs. Rest assured they are taking this to heart. Christian plans to be a lawyer and Dominic intends to be a park ranger or artist.

I urge you to rethink your refusal to take on a protégé for the deadly art of ninjitsu. I can recommend two aspiring ninjas who would thrive under your tutelage, and could carry on the tradition in an appropriate and respectful yet modern way. Please let me know if I can provide more information regarding their ninja candidacy.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Beth

n2

*Yes, I know that is a “Kung Fu” reference and has nothing to do with Japan and ninjas.

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The Case of Chester the (Alleged) Molester

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on January 29, 2013| 3 Comments »

jury-duty

Dear Defendant in Court Today:

You have the right to be presumed “innocent until proven guilty.” You may indeed be innocent. It’s entirely possible.

But you do not want me on your jury.

As soon as I heard the first charge against you — child molestation — I mentally declared you a creep and a criminal. I’ll bet other potential jurors thought the same thing.

But no one said a word when the district attorney asked if anyone would have difficulty maintaining an open mind. Perhaps it was the fear of piping up in a deathly quiet courtroom full of people.

The D.A. revealed more details of the case and I remembered news coverage. When he asked if anyone remembered this coverage, I stood up.

When he asked if I could remain impartial, I said I’d try.

Your attorney asked the same question, then wanted me to elaborate. I had to be honest. You’ll remember that I said, “I have two kids. My husband and I always talk about the fact that if someone did something to those kids, we’d be in court ourselves.” Of course I meant jail first for attacking the attacker.

Was I really the only one who felt this way? Your attorney seemed shocked.

Sorry, dude. You have the right to an impartial jury. Yet, I had already beaten you to a pulp in my mind.

Your attorney was wise to excuse me.

Hoping for justice in whatever form that takes,
Beth

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Lookin’ for a come-up

Posted in Random, tagged , on January 23, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Value VillageDear Value Village:

You were my first. I was young, lured in by two older men. In mere moments, though, I was hopping like a junkie.

You were my first thrift store. My (slightly older) boyfriend drove his best friend and me over to you one frosty Saturday. I swear birds sang when I opened the door and gazed upon your aisles and aisles of awesomeness.

Inside Value Village

You got me hooked on vintage clothing — the gateway drug to antiques. First I was getting high on a green and yellow plaid men’s blazer. Soon I was freebasing a Victorian dresser at a Chattanooga antique market. I hit rock-bottom when I shipped an Art Deco fan home from a vacation in Maine. I had gone too far.

Though my house still features remnants from my wild past, I keep those collecting demons in check through small, regular doses of Gap ads and the Ikea catalog. If I’m having a rough day, I might need a Modern Home magazine infusion.

Thanks to Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, my past flashes in red neon every time I turn on the radio.

I admit that I still have Cheetah Coat. You know that I always will.

I miss you more than a little bit.

Love,
Beth

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2012 in review

Posted in Random, tagged , , on January 10, 2013| 1 Comment »

Dear Sickos Like Me:

Thank you. It is because of you that certain posts on my blog continue to earn attention. For the second year in a row, parasites and rednecks continue to be the main attractions, according to my WordPress annual report. Search termsThat sounds about right.

In fact, I’m about due for another procrastination post like this one or this one. (WARNING: disturbing images!)

There’s a small problem, though, as evidenced by these stats:

Top posts

The top posts have nothing in common with each other. So the people who come looking for rednecks are probably not the ones who look for parasites. I could be wrong. There could be people out there with the same odd interests I have.

WordPress suggests I write about these topics again. Maybe. I guess you can never have enough parasite posts. You sickos like me would like that, wouldn’t you?

So, just for you, here is something super awful for you to enjoy:

intestinal schistosomiasisTo quote from “The Princess Bride,” “Dear God, what is that thing?” That, my fellow freaks, is a Brazilian man afflicted with “intestinal schistosomiasis leading to portal hypertension and splenic sequestration.”

In layman’s terms, he is suffering from an infection with a type of Schistosoma parasite that led to high blood pressure in his portal vein system and enlargement of the spleen.

Enjoy!

Beth

P.S. If you want to read the rest of my WordPress annual report, scroll down for the link:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 36,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power eight film festivals.

Click here to see the complete report.

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A dangerous sentence: “I have a plan.”

Posted in Random on January 4, 2013| 2 Comments »

Dear Readers:

It’s the new year and, as always, I have a plan. I’m not big on the typical resolutions, though, because they are, well, typical. Here is what I plan to do in the new year.

  1. Gorge myself on wasabi cashews until I am sick of them, then swear off them for the rest of the year.Wasabi cashews
  2. Kiss someone every day. This is likely to be Eddie and/or the kids, but I’m leaving myself open for Johnny Depp-related opportunities.
  3. Tell Eddie I love him every day because he puts up with comments like the above. I’ll do this every single day, even if I’m mad at him (in which case I will hiss it through gritted teeth).
  4. Refuse to be ashamed that my favorite song right now is “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction, and I’m a little bit fascinated by Harry Styles.
  5. Record my children recreating a “Saturday Night Live” skit featuring Will Ferrell as Harry Caray.
  6. Finally finish reading the Harry Potter series to the kids. (Those last few books are wicked long.)
  7. Find something nice to say about the people I don’t like, even if it is something as small as “She isn’t as bad as most people think.”
  8. Focus on the positive student comments instead of the one cranky one.
  9. Keep candy in my office to elevate visitors’ moods.
  10. Use only three-word sentences on one random day. (This seems weird and fun and has no redeeming value.)

I think it’s a short, interesting, eminently doable list.

I had a plan last year too. Here’s what did not happen:

  • try noodling. (I could not find a guide in Georgia.)
  • acquire more chickens. (I travel too much.)
  • stop letting my son’s superhero noises bother me. (That’s never going to happen fully, but I did have good days here and there.)
  • see Van Halen reunited with David Lee Roth in concert. (Tour cut short because of Eddie Van Halen’s health issues.)
  • see my friend Tina’s new place and finally talk her into visiting us.
  • audition for a play or musical. (No time.)
  • actually go out for drinks/dinner with my friends Matt, Pam and Kathy instead of just talking about it.

What are your not-so-typical resolutions? I’d love to hear from you.

Best wishes in the new year!
Beth

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Happy new year!

Posted in Random, tagged , , on January 2, 2013| 6 Comments »

Dear 2013:

Welcome! I am happy to see you. Your predecessor, 2012, was a tough character in some respects.

Although I am pleased you are here, I’m a little worried about your plans for me. The first day I spent with you was not one I’d like to repeat. The day started out great in the North Georgia mountains hanging out with good friends, but ended in a roadside ditch (well, nearly).

Let’s recap:

  • Humming noise manifests in the back of Eddie’s truck, and it is not one of the kids
  • Commence prayers to the vehicle gods (“Please let us make it home and we’ll take it to get it fixed immediately.”)
  • Prayers unanswered, and we receive vehicle god smack-down in the form of a clunking noise, a huge thud, and then black smoke billowing from the back end
  • Stuck 20 miles north of the thriving metropolis of Macon, Georgia
  • Call to Firestone roadside assistance that took two hours to finally fetch a tow truck (Idiot service woman on phone: “What is your zip code there?” Eddie: “Where? Here on the side of the road?”)
  • Car repair and car rental places closed for holiday
  • Tow truck arrives but refuses to transport children
  • Call to Middle Georgia Taxi to get transportation to a hotel in Macon
  • Taxi arrives in the form of Lester in a 100-year-old grandpa car
  • One week’s worth of luggage, snacks, a cooler, etc. loaded and taken to hotel
  • Dinner at Cracker Barrel (yay!)
  • Call from Firestone this morning revealing that the entire back end has to be replaced at a cost of more than $2,000 (yay.)

So 2013, I really hope that this is not indicative of our next 364 days together. I’d like joy, peace, health, and more money in my savings account than I ended with last year. If you could make that happen, then I’ll forgive your behavior on Day 1.

Thanks, and I’m looking forward to spending a great year together!

Love,
Beth

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12 Days of Teaching

Posted in Grammar, etc., Random, tagged , , , on December 25, 2012| Leave a Comment »

12_Days_of_Christmas

Dear 16th-century Poet Who Wrote the “12 Days of Christmas”*:

I’d like to adapt your song to reference my life as a professor. I hope you don’t mind.

For space’s sake, we’ll skip to the last verse. Please sing to the tune of the standard arrangement by Frederic Austin.

On the 12th day of Christmas, my students gave to me:

12 “strongly agree”s
11 alumni notes
10 brilliant comments
9 rec. requests
8 mangled clauses
7 late-night emails
6 Twitter retweets
5 bacon links
4 lame excuses
3 “utilize”s
2 ampersands
And pride in a job well done!

(They drive me crazy, but I love them just the same.)

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Sincerely,
Beth

*No one knows for sure who wrote it.

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