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George Soros paid me to write this* #SundayStories

October 13, 2024 by Beth

Dear Certain Facebook Friend,

I really think you need a hobby that does not involve using an “independent browser.” You’ve gone way down the conspiracy-theory rabbit hole.

In addition to hopping on board the HAARP bandwagon, you are, naturally, an antivaxxer.

You posted this recently. Are you really wanting to go back to 1890s knowledge? They were still using cocaine as an all-purpose pain reliever, for crying out loud!

There doesn’t seem to be a conspiracy theory you don’t embrace.

Sigh. Where to begin with this?

Oh. My.

Here are SO MANY tinfoil-hat buzzwords:

Later in the post, you mention the Deep State (of course).

AND, the grandpappy of them all, GEORGE SOROS.

Lord have mercy.

Let me get this straight:

COVID was a well-planned global conspiracy coordinated via the corrupt George Soros-owned media and search engines. The mRNA-DNA altering injections (i.e., vaccines) were sold for massive profits — killing people with the “Pfizer clot shot” while the unvaxxed were hunted.

This is what you said.

OK.

So.

Let’s put aside simple facts such as mRNA doesn’t alter DNA, the vaccines were/are free, and no one hunted unvaxxed folks. There are a couple of other issues:

All the countries of the world agreed to do this: Russia, Ukraine, North Korea, U.S., China, etc.? And they all worked together well and kept it a secret? Like I told you, I can’t even get three people to keep a secret about a Christmas present.

Who exactly benefited from this plot? COVID crashed economies. What’s the point of killing so many people with COVID or with the vaccine? Were they enemies of the DEEP STATE? Did they KNOW TOO MUCH? Somehow I doubt it.

Why is anyone hunting unvaxxed people? There’s no need. I mean, I believe in survival of the fittest. You don’t want to get vaccinated? OK. Polio, measles, cholera, etc. will take you out soon enough.

I’m surprised you didn’t mention THE LIBERAL ELITES.

Side note: All “experts” are not in academia. Look at all the scientists, economists, etc., all over the world.

You know, I have a good position at a university. Shouldn’t I be part of this club? I’ve been working in higher education for nearly 30 years. Shouldn’t I have gotten an invitation by now? I’m a little put out. How am I supposed to know how to indoctrinate students without the official guidelines?

Um … didn’t this dude go to Yale?

I’m also surprised you didn’t warn me off my Alexa. You’d be right about surveillance, though: I’m sure that old ‘ho IS listening all the time and making notes.

Fine. I don’t care. What’s she tracking? When I need cat food? Good.

If Bill Gates wants to implant a chip in me and track my movements, he can go right ahead.

It’s not like I’m plotting a global conspiracy.

Back to that.

Let’s say, just for kicks, that you are right — that you and the rest of the 5G nutters have stumbled onto the truth of a cabal and exposed their machinations. (You haven’t, but let’s pretend.)

So what?

What are you going to do about it?

What if the earth IS flat? (It’s not.)

So what?

How does it affect you?

What if the moon landing WAS fake? (It wasn’t.)

So what?

How will your life change?

It won’t.

It genuinely does not make a difference to you or to me or to anyone in our daily lives. We are still going to go to work, hang out with friends, take care of our families, clean our houses, plan vacations, pay bills, go to dinner, etc., every day whether George Soros buys another TV station or not.

So my recommendation is to get off the Internet (dark web, light web, private browser, whatever) and go get some fresh air. Have a few analog days. Or weeks. Or maybe even months.

When you come back, take a page out of Finland’s playbook for its schoolchildren and practice critical-thinking skills.

With genuine concern for your health,
Beth

*He didn’t. Obviously.

Posted in Education, Friends, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

Everyday I write the book* #ThursdayThoughts

October 10, 2024 by Beth

Dear Blog,

I’m so glad I have you. I know I ignore you sometimes. But Stella always gets her groove back.

I get sand in my shell, and my posts become my pearl. Well, they are pearls to me.

“Any writer worth his salt writes to please himself … It’s a self-exploratory operation that is endless. An exorcism of not necessarily his demon, but of his divine discontent.”
–Harper Lee

What’s interesting to me is that what some readers find pearls are the exact posts that others find to be sand still.

For example, in election years, my posts seesaw between some kind of topical outrage and mundane daily life. Those who love the former also seem to like the latter.

But not all who like the latter also like the former.

I’m sure it depends on whether the person agrees with me or not.

However, if I don’t write, I might die.

 “Words are a lens to focus one’s mind.”
–Ayn Rand

It’s my chief creative outlet. It gives me a reason to get out of the house. (Sometimes it is the only reason.)

And through the magic of technology, I can schedule posts — a fact a former coworker (aka Mean Girl) didn’t understand. I’m convinced she friended me on Facebook just to spy on me. She complained about me to my boss, saying I was using work time to write. My boss told me. I was incredulous.

“Does she not understand how this works?” I asked him. He shrugged.

“A word after a word after a word is power.”
–Margaret Atwood

Here I get to vent my spleen about her and others.

“I write to discover what I know.”
–Flannery O’Connor

I also get an excuse to do research like I did when I was a full-time journalist.

“When you make music or write or create, it’s really your job to have mind-blowing, irresponsible, condomless sex with whatever idea it is you’re writing about at the time.”
–Lady Gaga

Ultimately, this blog is for me. Maybe it’s for others too. It’s not for everyone. I’m OK with that.

Love,
Beth

*The other Elvis

Posted in Random | Tagged , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Gypsies, Tramps, Thieves, Liars, Fools and Marjorie Taylor Greene* #SundayStories

October 6, 2024 by Beth

Hey kids!

Auntie Beth is back to help you make sense of the weather.

If Marge from the holler is trying to tell you the gub’ment is controlling the weather, don’t believe her.

This is the same person who thought that Jewish space lasers caused California wildfires.

Also, she’s PART of the government.

Also, she’s said humans don’t cause climate change (but if they did that it’s good for us.).

But humans DID cause Hurricane Helene?

Really, it boggles the mind.

But MTG isn’t the only halfwit out there tweeting (er .. Xing) nonsense.

  1. Application (louder for people in the back)
  2. Abandoned
  3. Sound waves
  4. Joins applications for fun things like time travel and invisibility cloaks and urinal headrests
  5. Can’t we get rain over deserts?

But wait, here’s more:

Ok, y’all: I’m going to address just one thing to bring the rest of this nonsense into focus:

These storms brewing in the Atlantic at the same time? Not a coincidence.

That’s right. That’s because IT’S HURRICANE SEASON.

Hurricane season runs June 1-Nov. 30 EVERY YEAR.

It’s at its most active in late August and September when water temperatures in the Gulf and in the Atlantic are at their warmest.

(Reality check: When was Hurricane Katrina? Aug. 29, 2005. Who was president? George W. Bush. When was Hurricane Andrew? Aug. 24, 1992. Who was president? George H. W. Bush.)

Facebook reminded me I was worried about the path of Hurricane Matthew at this time eight years ago.

So a little check back around this time every effing year would find a few storms brewing in the Atlantic. These storms have gotten more intense. Why? CLIMATE CHANGE, YOU ABSOLUTE TURNIP.

(Ok. I’m breathing. I’m breathing. In with the good air. Out with the bad.)

Back to the U.S. government controlling hurricanes. Does it? No. Did it? If you count some light cloud seeding back in the 1960s-1980s? Still no (it didn’t work).

Auntie Beth recommends you stop believing complete buffoons and liars and start believing and helping people who want to do things such as:

  • Reduce carbon emissions
  • Replace and repair critical infrastructure
  • Find and fund insurance for homeowners and renters in areas potentially most affected
  • Build storm-resilient structures
  • Develop new clean-energy sources and technology

If you can’t do that, at least stop sharing misinformation on Leon’s sinking barge of barf.

Auntie Beth thanks you.

*Sorry, Cher.

Posted in Education, Politics, Technology | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments »

The time of our lives* #SundayStories

September 29, 2024 by Beth

Dear Billie Joe, Tré and Mike,

Thanks so much for taking the Saviors Tour to Portland. Because of you, I got to share a special evening with my son.

I’m a Green Day fan — perhaps not a super fan, but a fan nonetheless. I love live music of any sort. Gideon is a Green Day fan. I’ve been trying to steal his Green Day shirt for a year now. And his girlfriend loves Smashing Pumpkins, one of the openers.

It seemed like a no-brainer for us to go.

So we did.

Heavy rain (yay, Oregon!) and traffic (yay, Portland!) and difficulty parking (yay, Providence Park!) meant that we missed the Linda Lindas and Rancid, which made me very sad. We did arrive in time for Billy and the gang, though, which made Mikayla happy.

Typically the home stadium for the Portland Thorns, Providence Park is a great music venue with fantastic acoustics.

Sadly, our open-air floor seats meant we needed our rain ponchos at times.

Didn’t matter. Totally worth it.

When you played “Longview” (Gideon’s favorite), he said, “I’m so happy, I think I might cry.”

And I thought I might cry too.

It was only Gideon’s second concert, if you can believe it.

His first also was with me.

He was not even a year old. I was wearing him in one of those baby Bjorns at the Police reunion tour stop in New Orleans in 2007. (Long story for another time. Going to the concert with kids wasn’t part of the plan, and a friendship ended over it.)

You sounded AMAZING! As good if not better than the recordings. And you’ve been at it for 37 years. Fitting then that it was a 37-song set list.

37 songs!

All of “Dookie.” All of “American Idiot.” Plus a few more classics.

Billie Joe, you seemed choked up too.

Maybe it was because it was the second-to-last night of a very long tour. Maybe because it was a great night. Maybe we were all sharing something special.

So thanks. From the bottom of my jaded little heart.

❤️,
Beth

*”Good Riddance”

Posted in Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Hurt people hurt people* #ThursdayThoughts

September 19, 2024 by Beth

Dear Trump Fans,

Before you think, “Oh, here she goes again — another political post,” let me assure you that it’s not. No policy points here. It’s about personality. It’s about Trump the man.

I don’t like him at all.

I know, I know: I’ve hidden it so well. 😉😂

The only time I even liked him a wee bit was when he wore a yellow suit on SNL.

So my genuine question for you: Why do you like him? As a person? Not as a candidate.

I’m going to make some general sweeping assumptions. I might be wrong on a few when it comes to bets on you, but I’m not wrong on him. See links.

He’s just so different from you (and from me) as a human being.

You worked hard for your money. He didn’t.

You pay taxes. He doesn’t.

You pay your bills. He doesn’t.

You work to keep your business afloat. He doesn’t.

You love spending time with your family. He doesn’t.

You have friends. He doesn’t.

You don’t mock people with disabilities. He does.

You don’t lie. He does.

You have to work at least eight hours a day at your job. He didn’t.

You don’t call people names. He does.

You wouldn’t take a bribe. He likely did.

You give to charity. He misused charitable funds.

You likely have pets. He doesn’t.

You might be able to dance. He can’t.

You wouldn’t bury your dead ex spouse on your land. He did.

You don’t cheat on your spouse.** He does.

You aren’t gross about women in general. He is.

You haven’t raped anyone. He has.

You haven’t been convicted of a felony. He has.

I would hope you aren’t racist. He is.

A couple of these on the list might not be a problem. I mean, not everyone can dance. Some people are allergic to pets. But a collection of more than four or five, and we are starting to get into weird territory.

And those last three are deal breakers for my fan club threshold.

You might say, “But Beth, I don’t have much in common with Taylor Swift either.” Yeah. But she has friends. Cats. Gives to charity. Works hard. Ticks off a number of “like us” boxes.

He’s not like you. Like me. I’m sure you are a good person with a good work ethic and good friends/family.

Have you ever seen this man laugh really hard at anything? Have a genuinely good time? Can you imagine him drinking a beer and playing Uno? Riding a rollercoaster? Wearing a bathing suit and playing in the ocean with Barron?

Some of this can be traced back to his roots. To paraphrase Roxie Hart, he didn’t get enough love in his childhood.

Fine. Fair. But break the cycle, man.

He seems exhausting to be around. No fun whatsoever.

So why do you like him?

I hope the answer isn’t, “He says what I’m thinking.” THAT would be awful (because … that last point, y’all).

I guess I don’t really expect an answer, but I also really don’t understand.

Mystified,
Beth

*Origin (?) of the phrase

**And if you do, it’s not likely to be with a porn star.

Posted in Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

(No) Poker Face* #WednesdayWomen

September 11, 2024 by Beth

Ladies, do you suffer from FAFO Face like VP Harris?

I know I do.

If you try to stop your face from moving, your thoughts come out through your eyes.

Trust me. I nearly killed a coworker last week, Homelander style.

In its mildest form, it manifests as RBF.

So what can we do?

Not a damn thing. Folks need to get over it. (Or stop doing stupid stuff to cause the face. 😄)

Here’s a handy decoder:

“Oh you think so, do you? FAFO.”
“Let me get this straight.”
“Bitch, please.”
“I’m laughing at you, not with you.”
“Come on, now.”
“This MFer.”
“Do tell.”
“I’m just going to look down at my notes, because my face has nothing nice to say.”
“Oh, honey. I actually feel sorry for you.”

Now let’s test your knowledge. What is my face saying to you?

A. This bar is great.
B. The decor is unique.
C. I found love in a hopeless place.
D. I want to murder this man who sat four inches from me despite the fact that there were 10 empty seats at the bar.

If you said D, then winner, winner, chicken dinner!

Whatever you do, don’t be this guy:

It’s misogynistic and akin to “you should smile more.” Frank, how ’bout you train yourself to STFU.

If you need it, here’s a dude saying roughly the same thing:

It’s an extra layer of communication. Useful, I’d say.

I mean, just think about how moms operate. All you needed was THE LOOK from your mom, and you stopped your buffoonery immediately.

In retrospect, I should amend my first line. I do not “suffer” from FAFO Face. I actually celebrate it! I have the ability to communicate effectively without words.

But here are three:

Bite me, Frank. 😉

*Lady Gaga gives good face. That arched eyebrow!

Posted in Politics, Random | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Roam if you want to* #MondayMotivation

September 2, 2024 by Beth

Dear Mary,

Thanks for taking me up on my offer to show you around the Willamette Valley. It was a great mix of old and new for me!

New:

Wine tasting at Durant, where the view was spectacular but the wine was not. ($6 per taste of what amounted to witch hazel. No, thank you.)
They should stick to olive oil as they do that VERY well.
Chef’s counter at I.ki.gai. Fried okra for us. Clock the hat. This chef knows.

Thanks to Jason‘s inspiration, I actually suggested a “hike.” Thankfully, you and I were of the same mind.

Look at these massive shamrocks! (Alright, I think it’s wood sorrel.)
If you stay at home, you don’t see this.
Or this part of the North Falls.
Or expend 300 calories on these stairs alone.
Totally worth it.
Especially getting to go behind the falls.
The South Falls were less impressive.
Then we treated ourselves to wood-fired pizza and White Pinot Noir at Left Coast Estate. Peer pressured into buying yet another bottle of wine? FINE.
The view! I had to stop the car.

Old:

Brooks Winery never disappoints.
I don’t care if I’ve seen you a day ago or 12 years ago (Mary!), Brooks is the place to go.
And then there’s Leo.

Thanks for coming, and I hope to see you again soon!

Your friend,
Beth

*B-52’s of course.

Posted in Friends, Travel | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Fact check 2.0 #ThursdayThoughts

August 29, 2024 by Beth

Dear Timothy,

I wish you weren’t the kind of person who would post things like this:

But sadly, you are.

You also posted this:

You dared me to fact check it.

Challenge accepted.

The claim: “Allowed 15m unvetted illegals into the country.” The truth: “Allowed” is the wrong word. (How can you “allow” if they aren’t vetted?) Regardless, the number of unauthorized immigrants in the United States is estimated at 11 million — about the same number it was in 2015. The number reached peak in 2007. You know who was president then? George W. Bush. A Republican. (Not sure if you hate Democrats or Biden or both, but I’ll reference presidents AND parties in this exercise.)

Side note: Are “illegals” taking jobs or are they lazy/living off services and/or drug dealers/rapists? Are they taking the drug-dealing jobs? I just want to be clear. Also, someone you love very much is a rapist and took a qualified-person’s job, so …

The claim: “Historic inflation crisis.” The truth: In Biden’s first year in office, the inflation rate hit 7 percent in 2021, which was a 40-year high, thanks to the pandemic, supply chain issues, the war in Ukraine, etc. The all-time high was 29.78% in 1778. Also corporations like Kroger behaved badly.

The claim: “Record high gas prices in all 50 states.” The truth: Hard to say if it was the case in all 50 states, but gas in general hit a record-high price in March 2022 — once again, thanks to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. It beat a record set in July 2008. Who was president? Our buddy Dubya.

The claim: “Record high consumer debt.” The truth: This is accurate. It goes up every year, and could be a complaint about every single administration. No doubt it will go up no matter who is president.

The claim: “Released terrorists into the country.” The truth: Hard to research/know about this one. Who are these terrorists? Maybe it comes from this Jim Jordan report saying 100 people on the terrorist watch list were let into the country in 2022. The Biden Administration closed a loophole leading to this. There’s a conflicting report saying 100 were STOPPED from entering in 2022 with 160 stopped in 2023. Here’s some general fact checking about immigration.

The claim: “Ukraine-Russia War.” The truth: Is the claim that the Biden Administration started it? That’s insane considering the conflict started back in 2014 with the annexation of Crimea. And it’s, you know, TWO OTHER COUNTRIES.

The claim: “Israel-Hamas War.” The truth: Same response as above in that Biden in no way started this war. The Gaza-Israel conflict essentially has been going on since 1967.

The claim: “Disastrous withdrawal from Afghanistan.” The truth: HOO BOY. Both the Trump and Biden Administrations made big mistakes. Arguably one of the biggest was Trump releasing 5,000 Taliban from prison. One of those is Abdul Ghani Baradar, who is acting first deputy prime minister of Afghanistan today. Kind of a big deal.

The claim: “Violent crime skyrocketing.” The truth: False. A Pew Research Center report noted, “Both the FBI and BJS [Bureau of Justice Statistics] data show dramatic declines in U.S. violent and property crime rates since the early 1990s, when crime spiked across much of the nation.” Fun fact: The murder rate rose 30 percent between 2019 and 2020 — the largest single-year increase in more than a century. Who was president then? Oh right. Trump.

The claim: “Tried to jail political rival in name of democracy.” The truth: Is this a reference to Trump’s convictions? HAHAHAHAHA! GTFO. Trump, a rapist, broke the law many, many times. He should be held accountable like anyone else. This isn’t Biden’s doing. Trump did this himself.

The claim: “Lied to the American public about Joe’s decline.” The truth: I don’t even know where to start with this. Everyone gets older (“declines,” I guess). No need to lie about anything. It’s not like they hid his age. I love all the armchair physicians. Here’s what I do know: Running the country takes an administration (Executive branch) plus Congress (Legislative branch) with laws upheld by the Judicial branch. Biden’s cabinet supported him. Fun fact: Trump’s cabinet did not (and do not).

The claim: “Declared war on American energy.” The truth: How do you declare war on a quantitative property? Is the claim that the Biden Administration is trying to shut down or constrain energy companies? In fact, it is just the opposite: The United States is producing record amounts of oil, natural gas and renewable power.

The claim: “Record low test scores for K-12 students.” The truth: Which K-12 students? All of them? That’s impossible to know. Average test scores for reading and math for 13 year olds dropped since 2020 (um … pandemic, hello!). However, the science scores among 15 year olds is unchanged since 2018. Test scores in Oregon among children in grades 3-8 and 11 for English and math and grades 5, 8 and 11 for science show progress. So this claim needs to define terms/ages/states, etc., in order to compare apples to apples year over year.

The claim: “Most unpopular president and VP in history.” The truth: Among Republicans, maybe. Just kidding. This is completely false. You know who had the lowest “high” on the all-time approval rankings? Trump with just 49 percent. The president who had the highest high (92 percent) and the lowest low (19 percent)? Dubya, once again. Here’s a fun Gallup chart for all you visual learners:

Clearly, I missed my calling as a fact checker and researcher. (I wonder if Snopes is hiring.)

Here’s a list of just some of the things Biden and his administration actually did. You may not agree with or want all the things on this list, but these are the facts. No need to make up anything.

Also, jobs.

Anyway, Timothy, I know my work won’t change your mind. Maybe it will change someone else’s.

Your “friend,”
Beth

Posted in Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Visit Oregon, specifically me! #SundayStories

August 25, 2024 by Beth

Dear Friends and Family,

I’ve been in Oregon a year. I’ve had a visit from one friend. (Shout-out to Amber. Holla!)

Listen, I’ll make it worth your while. Here are some fun things we can do:

We can go to the coast, like Amber and I did.
I’ll introduce you to Benjamin Franklin.
We can drink wine at one of the 30+ vineyards within a 20-mile radius of my house.
I’ll take you to Lumpy’s Tavern, my favorite dive bar.
You can shop for unique and/or fun merch.
We will eat our weight in delicious food at Din Tai Fung.
We can visit the beautiful Lan Su Chinese Garden in downtown Portland.
And we can marvel at the lotus.
Though I’m not super outdoorsy, we could go on a low-impact hike like I did recently with my friend Jason.
(When Jason suggested this, I was horrified. But here I am at the end of the “hike” — alive and sweat-free.)
We can eat blackberries from the side of the road.
We might play Skip-Bo on my porch.

One thing is for certain, though:

Leo will judge you.

Make your plans to visit me now.

Hope to see you soon!

Love,
Beth

Posted in Friends, Travel | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

I diD mY oWn rEseArcH! #TuesdayTip

August 20, 2024 by Beth

Dear People Who Like to Share Wrong Information:

In the age of social media, I know it is hard not to share a chart or a meme that fits in with your world view/personal bias. I know it seems great in the moment, but I really encourage you to check your facts.

As we are in an election year, and people are foaming at the mouth, sharing misinformation is a real problem.

A couple of far-right friends shared a chart I found interesting:

It’s interesting to me because it looks great for your cause if you are a Trump supporter.

(Quick personal bias check: I am a Never Trumper. I’m sure most of y’all know that.)

BUT THIS CHART IS WRONG. I know it is wrong because I had recently done some research on gas prices.

(That people think the President of the United States controls the price of gas is insane to me.)

Anyway, I was motivated to get the real numbers, and I had some spare time.

I put together a spreadsheet. I hate Excel, so I need everyone to understand that this is a big deal.

In addition to providing the real data for the categories in the chart above, I added some other key info such as the global inflation rate, deficit and GDP. I also added the numbers for the last four years Obama was in office to give context.

I’m presenting it here without comment. These are real numbers, and I can provide sources for this data (non-media sources). Let me know if you want me to send you the spreadsheet with source links.

The bottom line: Educate yourself. Decide what is important to you. Vote accordingly.

Also, don’t share stupid inflammatory shit that is wrong. There is enough misinformation in the world without you adding to it.

Kthxbyeeee,
Beth

Posted in Advice, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

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