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My friend Ed is the publisher of a sports publication. During football season, he and Trish the Human spend many weekends covering the Jaguars. I’m not sure how it transpired, but it was decided* that I would come with him today and cover the Jaguars/Titans game from behind the scenes. I think what led to it was the fact that I was intrigued by their tales of all the weirdo press people who cover the games.

So, Ed and I drove to Jacksonville this morning, listening to the B-52s (mine) and Ringo Starr (his). We arrived in record time, then paid a blistering $30 for parking — $30!! WTF? We parked and walked the trail of tailgating to the media entry. I would have been happy to stay in the parking lot. Fat Floridians were grilling burgers, drinking beer, and listening to live music. (I got out of the car to the tune of “What I Like About You.”) Yet we pressed on.

Clearly he knows how to grill something tasty

Clearly he knows how to grill something tasty

On the Tailgate Trail

On the Tailgate Trail

Ed and I went through the security cavity search, then headed to the press area to get food. On the menu: sandwiches, some meat product in goo, and over-oiled potatoes. Savory.

He showed me to my seat in the air-conditioned press box and he headed to the sidelines to shoot the game. I looked for him, but I realized I might never see him again.

That's me, working hard (hardly working) in the press box

That's me, working hard (hardly working) in the press box

It is a sea of teal Jones-Drew jerseys with shots of pink for breast cancer awareness. In the press box, I am painfully aware of my deceit.  Everyone here lives for football, and can discuss the nuances of the game. I am only here to observe and pass judgment.

And here is one call now:

What is the deal with radio and TV folks and their “broadcast” voices? It is ridiculous. There is no need to switch into some extra loud, hyper-enunciated vocalization as the guy a few seats down is doing.

Within the first few moments of the game, it becomes clear that it will be a good day for the Jaguars. No. 32 — a look at the media guide tells me that it is Maurice Jones-Drew of fan jersey fame — scored a touchdown. I was browsing the Museum of Bad Art’s Web site, but I sensed anticipation from my press cohorts. I looked up just in time to see him jog into the end zone.

More touchdowns follow. The mood in the box is jubilant, and I wonder what happened to journalistic objectivity.

View from the box

View from the box

It is halftime now, and my butt hurts. I think I’ll go get popcorn.

Stay tuned: more coverage to come!

* deliberate use of passive voice

The Junior League Thrift Sale is an annual event where the ladies of the Junior League round up their castoffs and those of others, bring them to the Savannah Civic Center, and sell tickets for two days of bargains and chaos.

I always work the morning of the first sale day because I love to watch the stampede down the stairs when the doors open.

Shoppers wait outside

Shoppers wait outside

The herd is on the move

The herd is on the move

I also always choose to be a cashier. That I can’t explain. Each cashier has a bagger. Today, I was lucky enough to have the inimitable Sarah Copeland as my very own bag lady, and we set up shop in a prime location by the restrooms.

Silly Sarah and the tool of her trade

Silly Sarah and the tool of her trade

We laughed a lot today, and marveled at the the items people donated, and what people bought. A stuffed cat wearing a fancy sparkly coat and carrying a wreath, for example. One couple arrived at our station with a mound of books, purses and random other items. It appeared that they had just started dating; he was still in the “impress her by paying” mode. She responded with the title of this post. And we laughed.

Spelling is hard

Apparently for some people. But there is an amazing tool called a dictionary. Miraculous! Bad spellers of the world, unite and vow to look things up. Then you can avoid very public mistakes like this:

“Currently” annoyed

I’d like to make a case against the word “currently.” I see no need for it. Let’s look at uses I’ve spotted recently:

“I am currently employed as a cashier.”

“The contest is open to all currently enrolled students.”

“We are currently located in San Francisco.”

If you can use “is,” “are” or “am,” then it is happening right now. “Currently” is redundant. And I am currently fed up.

Currently redundant

Today’s dose of Trish

The wing clipping did not work. Eddie reports that she escaped again. Maybe I need to clip more.

I’ll let Trish herself tell you about her escapades.

The case of the missing chicken

I had to have the following conversation with my neighbor’s middle-aged son.

Me, at the front door: “Um, hi. Sorry to bother you, but have you seen my chicken?”

Him: “Oh that’s yours? My dad was going to go buy some feed.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s mine. She learned how to get out and now we can’t find her. If you see her, she answers to the name of ‘Trish.'”

Him: “I had some chickens when I lived in Pooler. They are unusual animals.”

Occasionally, Trish has flown the coop. Once nabbed and returned, she usually stays in for a few days. Yesterday, though, she was bold. Every time Eddie and I went outside, she was out of her yard. We must have captured her six times. And Eddie was mad because she kept kicking the pine straw out of the flower beds.

Today, we came home around lunchtime and she was gone. Yes, I walked around our house and the neighborhood hollering “Trish!” and feeling like a buffoon. I figured I would only worry if she didn’t return to the coop at night.

I started to wash my car and I heard Dominic yelling, “Mama, I found Trish!” I looked up and saw him coming from the side yard holding Trish to his chest. She seemed oddly content. Apparently, she had been amusing herself near the backyard fence. I don’t know how I could have missed her when I was walking around.

I knew it was time to clip her wings to avoid future AWOLs. Trish = grounded.

Clipping in progress

Clipping in progress

The clipped wing

The result. No birds were harmed in the clipping of the wing.

The boys give Trish some love

We’re rednecks. My shirtless kids like to hang out with the chicken.

Let’s talk about Ed

My mother always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then I want to hear it.” No, she didn’t say that. But I do.

My friend Ed is stunted. He has lived his life without watching important, life-changing movies. Movies such as “Rear Window,” “Napoleon Dynamite” “Blair Witch Project,” “Seven,” “To Kill a Mockingbird,” anything Bond, anything with Clint Eastwood, any horror movie, etc. What stopped me in mid sentence tonight was his revelation that he has not seen “Tommy Boy.” Oh the shame.

To harass him further, I made him go through AFI’s list of the top 100 movies. Ed had not seen 38 of the first 50, so I had to stop. He was suitably heckled by the rest of the people over for Human Trish’s birthday, yet claims he would do better with the bottom 50. Sure, Ed.

Fortified with more Trish

Upon request, here’s more video of Trish. In this clip, I collect the egg and Trish comes over to investigate. Usually, she leads me over to the coop, as if to say, “Look what I’ve done!”

A haiku for a holy day

Punctuation Day

Should be a bank holiday.

Let’s honor commas.

The joy of Dilbert

This post was written by Beth

Passive voice bothers me and sucks the life out of material. Academics, politicians and other bureaucrats LOVE passive voice. My students seem to like it too. At least that’s what their papers indicate.

Examples:

“As Americans, we tend to be frowned upon.”

“A new collection of her nonfiction has just been released.”

Just say WHO did/does/is doing WHAT, and say it first:

“French people tend to frown upon Americans visiting Paris.”

“Random House just released a new collection of Toni Morrison’s nonfiction work.”

I like this page because it offers more examples and advice, and has a quiz. Doesn’t everyone like a quiz?