Dear Handy Ladies Who Want Certain Spa Treatments at Home:
Interested in the unique services at Jeju Sauna but are strapped for cash? Here’s a low-cost way to set up shop in the privacy of your own home!
Things you will need:
Four hand towels
Two shower curtains
Card table
Dish sponge with pot-scrubber
Garden hose
Crock pot
Coffee table
Saw
A handful of grass, weeds and any herbs that have been in your spice cabinet for two years or more
Instructions for the “body shampoo” portion of your home sauna:
- Set up the card table in your garage or back/side yard.
- Place one shower curtain over the table.
- Hook up the hose to the nearest sink that can deliver warm water.
- Go to the grocery store and bring home with you the first 10 women you see. (You’ll have to spring for Uber XL.)
- Once they get to your house, you and nine of them will disrobe and try desperately not to look at each other while you take a shower with the hose. The 10th will wait patiently fully clothed. (If you are a Never Nude, stop here, and go read something else. This won’t work with cutoffs.)
- Put one hand towel across the room/yard. Hold onto the other one.
- Get up on the card table while the other ladies watch you.
- Instruct the 10th lady to rub you all over with the pot-scrubber side of the sponge. She is allowed to say only these words/phrases: Face down, face up, turn, hair wash.
- Tell the lady to make sure she scrubs all of you (yes, every single scrap of exposed skin), contorting you as necessary to get those hard-to-reach places.
- Explain to her that she needs to rinse you off occasionally by pointing the hose directly between your legs.
- Place the hand towel over your face.
- Weep quietly as the woman sands off your nipples.
- Flip around so she can wash your hair on the other end of the table. Try not to slide off:
- Make sure the lady shampoos your hair like Bugs Bunny washes Elmer Fudd in “Rabbit of Seville” (3:59 into the link if you don’t get that reference). Then she should drag a brush through it without regard to your pain threshold. It will remind you of your mom getting the ponytail-prep tangles out of your hair. She didn’t care about pain either.
- When she is done, creep delicately while tingling and raw over to the second hand towel to dry off.
- Ask the 10th lady to stay while you send the others home. You’ll tip her later.
- Bask in a job well done while you lather lotion on your abrasions.
Instructions for the “hip bath” portion of your home sauna:
- Cut a hole in the middle of the coffee table with the saw.
- Ask the lady who stayed to fill up the crock pot with the yard clippings and other greenery.
- Also ask her to add water from the garden hose.
- Then she should plug in the crock pot, turn it up to high, and stick it under the hole.
- Finally, she needs to place the remaining two hand towels around the opening in the coffee table.
- Tip the lady and send her home.
- Wrap the shower curtain around your naked body.
- Sit over the hole. That’s right.
- Make sure the shower curtain covers you and the coffee table to form an impenetrable seal. You, the table and crock pot will become one under the plastic tent.
- Vaporize that vajayjay for at least 45 minutes while watching the news.
- Lament the state of the world.
- Sweat like a mofo and marvel at the 100-degree temperature difference between your head and your bits. Also wonder if it really will do the 12+ things it is reported to do.
- Reflect that you didn’t need any of the outcomes; you were just curious.
- Consider that this is not the weirdest thing you’ve ever done in your life.
- Ask yourself why you are like this.
- When your time is up, get off the pot, and hose off again.
- Get dressed in the most comfortable clothes you own. Perhaps a Mrs. Roper-style muumuu.
- Put away all the materials, and get ready for the next time. (Unless there won’t be a next time, of course.)
Hip bath setup: Fancy version
There you go!
A DIY dream. Ty Pennington would be proud. (Yes, he’s back.)
Best wishes to you and your freshly steamed cooter,
Beth
Observe and report 