Ladies, I’ve tried my best to ensure they understand our anatomy. Once, I even pulled out a diagram of our bits at the dinner table.
(Look. Listen. Education has no boundaries.)
I never ever want them to be like these idiots:
I’ve told them porn isn’t realistic. I mean, I’ve never once gotten off by someone slapping my parts. I don’t know any woman who has an instant orgasm from penetration. There are no naked pizza delivery drivers in my neighborhood.
If you have and can, and there are, good for you! No shade.
I should share this with them and really make it weird:
It’s a good explanation.
Of course, there are plenty of other … uh … aspects of and tactics for gratification.
Just know that I have told them they need to make sure you get yours. And to listen to what you say about how to do that.
Also, we’ve discussed various methods of birth control and THEIR responsibility.
Not that I’m advocating for sex willy nilly, but I am realistic.
They are still teenagers, so they have plenty to learn. Just know I’ve done my best.
Looking forward to getting to know you!
Sincerely, Your boyfriend’s mom
*Before anyone gets hot and bothered, let me say that I used to start off sentences with, “When you date someone, and he, she or they …” I just wanted to leave the door open. But every time I said that, they informed me they like girls. The door is still open; I don’t care.
Thanks for inviting me to Drag Queen Meat Bingo yesterday. It was one of many commitments I had for the day, but it was BY FAR the most fun.
I will be honest: I thought the “meat” part of the event was going to be the eye candy that one typically finds at drag events. Like Ru Paul’s Pit Crew.
But no, it was meat as in bacon, ribs, three chickens in a sack, etc.
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.
Best?
When Gideon was visiting me, he found a 2014 Dodge Charger he liked at your establishment. (What is it with my kids and muscle cars? Just teenage boys, I guess.)
We took a drive to Nashville, Illinois, and purchased the car on the spot.
Gideon save up $2,000 for the down payment.
We were assured that you had inspected the car and all was well. We purchased a warranty to be on the safe side.
We drove back to St. Louis, and arranged for Gideon and Eddie to come up this weekend to drive it back to Georgia.
Worst?
I took the car for safety and emission inspections to get it registered.
I bet you know what is coming.
It failed the safety inspection because it needed a new catalytic converter, engine mounts, an engine leak fixed, etc.
I think you knew this. That’s why we got such a good deal.
And your warranty doesn’t cover any of that. Of course. (So what good is it? I’d love to know.)
More than $6,500 later, the car is finally road worthy.
Happy about the car. Not happy about the 12-hour drive ahead.
Sigh.
It was worth it to see Gideon so happy, but I’ll be contacting you tomorrow for a discussion.
My guy, WHAT were you smoking when you created City Museum? Whatever it was, it was some good stuff. City Museum is like nothing I’ve ever seen in my life — in person or in movies/on TV. Not even “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” comes close to this crazy place.
When I moved to St. Louis, people kept telling me I needed to visit. However, I don’t like museums. (It’s true. I’m sorry. But I don’t think you do either.) Finally, my friend Kate said that it is not a museum in any traditional sense of the word. She tried to describe it, then basically gave up.
“You have to see it,” she said. “It’s … sensory overload.”
So I went. And she’s right.
City Museum is like a museum in the way that I am like Beyoncé: barely any resemblance in form or function.
It is a building that houses artifacts — artifacts presented in chaos. It’s a 10-story fever dream.
I’ve now been four times.
Why?
You created notable features such as:
• An actual school bus cantilevered on the top floor over the street
• A Ferris wheel on top of the building
• A 10-story slide
• A five-story slide (that has not been open any of the four times I’ve been)
• A cave system
• The world’s largest (maybe) pair of underpants
• Two airplanes
I can’t even begin to summarize what is there. And every time I go, I discover something new.
Dominic and Gideon were in town, and I said we were going. They, like me, are not into museums. I said, “Hold that thought.”
Neither of them could believe what you created. Dominic lamented that, at 6’2″, he is too big for some of the tunnels.
“I wish we had come here when I was a kid.”
I fully agree. This could have entertained them for HOURS, and they would have slept well. (Every parent knows a day that wears out the kids is a good day.)
Here is just a sample of what we got into at your creation.
A seagull disgorges Dominic.Gideon finds a tunnel under the first floor. No, thank you.Dominic goes where I won’t.This is the entrance to a slide. Seriously.The caged bird yells, “Take my picture!”My hips don’t lie, nor do they fit in this opening.Dominic makes it to the top of one of two castles.
Speaking of the castles:
I’m sorry, TWO WHAT NOW?
There were a few moments where I worried about their safety and mine. I was right to worry. From the actual City Museum website:
The do-it-yourself, trying-anything nature of the museum led, not surprisingly, to injuries and, also not surprisingly, to dozens of personal injury suits. Mr. Cassilly’s response was to post telephone numbers of lawyers at the door.
The kids and I developed the habit of them going first into some cave/tunnel/hole to do reconnaissance then reporting back about the viability for me.
This tunnel was not for me.But this one was ok.
Yes, I used my own children as canaries in a coal mine.
I make no apologies. They were willing participants. And had a fabulous time.
You’ve only known me a short while, but you KNOW me.
Do I want to go?
Does my Senator (Josh Hawley) run from chaos he helped create?
Yes. The answer is yes.
As some readers may remember, I went to this event in Atlanta. Alone. (I’m the “weird” one.)
But yesterday, it was a family affair.
Mom, sister, niece, nephew
Perhaps I’m jaded, but I felt like the offerings were not as varied as the prior event and were more expensive.
Here are some fresh things I saw but did not buy (because expensive).
A gumball machine filled with cow eyesA creative use for vintage photosPart of a giraffeFun (and horrifying) night lightsThe worst item anyone could dream up for me: a clown doll. IT (the character and the doll) haunts me still.Mothman (To be fair, he wasn’t for sale. Actually, he might have been. I don’t know.)Whatever scene this is
But I did buy two things. Very cheap. Necessary, I felt.
A snakeskin pendant and a chicken foot. Everyone needs a preserved chicken foot. (Yes, everyone. 😄)
So thanks, Fam, for showing me once again that DNA is remarkable.
Why are you still here? I hate you so much. I’ve managed to avoid you for more than two years (safety first!), but you finally got me.
How? I don’t know. You tell me!
Having an incubation period of 2-14 days makes tracking source difficult.
All I know is that I got my second booster Friday. By Sunday, I had a sore throat. I took two tests from two different companies. Both negative.
See? Negative.
On Monday, I felt like crap: headache, body pain. I was already scheduled to go to a new doctor to establish care.
Me: I got the second booster Friday and feel terrible today. Her: That’s the booster. I wouldn’t have recommended you get the second one so soon. Me: They recommended after six months. Her: Yeah, but you don’t have comorbidities. Me: Right.
The cough started Tuesday.
The runny nose started yesterday.
I decided to take another test.
Uh oh.
And then another from a different brand.
I was furious and mortified.
I spent my weekend living my best life as the infection vector I apparently am: garden tour and antiques fair with neighbors, dinner with a colleague, handyman direction on wall patches, “Stranger Things” with my sister, card games with neighbors.
It’s possible I was exposed to you on my flight home from Savannah: Two hours on the runway (weather delay), an hour at the gate (more fuel), an hour in the air. I was one of only three people wearing a mask (because, of course, you no longer exist 🙄).
I don’t know.
I do know that I had another busy week/weekend planned, including lunch for about 15 family members at my place. But now, thanks to you, I will spend the next 5-10 days on my own with just Leo Richardson to keep me company.
Leo, who also is not feeling well.
Leo, the cat who (likely) got COVID.
Gee, I wonder how he could have caught COVID. (Note: I am not kissing the cat. He was sleeping on my shoulder, and I turned my head for the pic.)
So thanks SO MUCH for your continued presence in all of our lives.
Your personality is distinct. You are nosy, noisy and aggressively cuddly.
Who are you? Gladys Kravitz?
And weird. You are SO weird.
To look at, for one.
Look at this alien foot!Your back = brain surfaceWhere are your whiskers?!
But also, the way you sleep is unlike any other cat I’ve ever known.
Who sleeps like that?Cats don’t sleep on their backs!
And you always have to have your paws on my face.
Or be ON me somehow.
You look annoyed even when you are sleeping peacefully.
Here you look annoyed, but you have a right to be: I’m harassing you with a gift from Charlotte and Nate.
I love it when your tongue gets stuck.
I know you hate this collar, but it’s better than the cone of shame. I can’t have you licking your surgically enhanced paw.*
Despite the fact that you are a bizarre creature (or probably BECAUSE of it), I’m so happy to share my life with you.
Love, Your human
*Leo came to me declawed. The person who did it needs a refresher course as he/she left part of his dewclaw. It got infected. He’s had surgery and is fine now.
I see my friends posting about prom and honor societies and college visits and whatnot. Though part of me wishes you wanted the traditional high school milestones, most of me loves that you are doing things your own way.
For example, you eschewed the actual prom to have your own prom in a friend’s back yard. (Props to that mom: She did a great job!)
This is a fancy party! (Photo credit: Petra McKinnon)
And no one seemed to care about dates. It was one big friend group.
Girls seem to be an afterthought, which is fine by me. I’m not ready to be a grandma! I do wonder if I’m somehow a gang mom. What are those signs they are throwing? (Photo credit: Petra McKinnon)
I’m surprised there were real suits. You two had threatened to go to Actual Prom in your Spider-Man costumes.
Not that there is anything wrong with that, I guess. It’s really par for the course for you and your pals. After all, this is how you go to school:
And how you go to Target:
I don’t know how you can go shopping. You spent all your money on a Batsuit.
My son, The Batman
It’s movie quality. It should be for the amount of money the two of you spent. (I still can’t believe you chipped in, Gideon.)
But you know what? You AREN’T spending money on drugs.
Your habits are nerdy and wholesome. I’m a fan.
And Dominic, you’ve been a Bat fan for your whole life, so I’m not surprised.
Uh oh. You spotted the Joker!
I love you both very much. And I love that you are individuals.
Observe and report 