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Posts Tagged ‘Kids’

Adventures in babysitting

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , , on July 7, 2013| 2 Comments »

Dear New Babysitter:

I hope we didn’t scare you when we peeled out of the driveway without a backward glance. We just couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

Yes, I know you had only known three of us (Eggy, Sophia and me) for five minutes. I’m not sure you knew their daughter’s name. Had you even laid eyes on our youngest? I don’t even know where he was when you arrived.

We love our kids, of course. Really. But we need those moments where we are Beth, Eddie, Eggy and Sophia and not Mama, Daddy, Daddy and Mama.

Here’s what we heard all day:
“Mama, I’m hungry. I’m so hungry, Mama!”
“He won’t let me have the bow and arrows. He’s had them all day!”
“He’s being a jerk to me! He called me ‘stupid.'”

This is what we wanted to hear:
“Would you like an appetizer with that?”
“What kind of drink would you like?”
“Would you like a refill?”

Thanks to you, we were able to have adult conversations while we sipped martinis, ate delicious food (made more delicious by the fact that someone else cooked the meal), and watched Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy cement their homance.

No one badgered us to get him a drink/feed her/play with him/get her Merida dress/mediate a fight/find a Bey Blade/get a Bandaid/put on Netflix/let him watch “Spongebob,” etc.

We tried not to leave you with too much to do. We made sure they were bathed and fed. Bedtime was on you. All you had to do was keep them alive until we got home.

You did and they were. Thank you.

From the bottom of our jaded, frazzled, exhausted little hearts, we thank you.

Sincerely,
Beth

babysit

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To Paula Deen the Butter Queen

Posted in Politics, Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2013| 8 Comments »

Paula in happier days

Dear Paula Deen:

I know you are going through a rough time right now. Even with the chaos in Texas (go Wendy!) and the Supreme Court decision on that stupid Defense of Marriage Act (you know how I feel about that), you are still in the spotlight.

By all accounts (from people who know you, worked for you, still work for you, were raised by you, etc.) you are not racist by definition. Hard-driving, stubborn and raunchy, perhaps, but not racist. The plaintiff in that year-old lawsuit (who is white, surprisingly) even admits she never heard you make racist remarks.

It’s never OK to use THAT word (or any derogatory word like that). But I’m willing to cut you some slack on a 30-year-old mistake. (Especially as you apologized. Repeatedly.)

I mean, let’s be honest here: Who hasn’t had some tragic lapses in judgment? Let’s look at some of the decades-old moments for which I need to atone:

  1. St. Patrick’s Day 1993
  2. Fancy Dress 1989
  3. That one time at drama camp …
  4. Dating the dude from Macy’s receiving department (My dad’s observation: “Doesn’t that guy own any shirts with sleeves?”)
  5. This dress:Prom 1985 (It’s no wonder I don’t have a stitch of lace in my closet now. I reached my Designated Lace Quota in 1985.)
  6. This hair: '80s hair(Aqua Net was my best friend.)
  7. While we’re at it, this hair too: Blonde ambition(The ill-advised blonde ambition phase. What the what?)
  8. Being a mean girl to a nice boy who asked me to a dance. And not being a mean girl to a not-so-nice boy who asked me to a different dance. (That boy ended up talking through dinner about all the times in his life he had barfed. I sure know how to pick ’em.)
  9. Not buying that house on Jones Street.
  10. Allowing Neil the Cockatiel to escape the dorm suite I shared with his mom.

I’m sure I’ve committed many more sins than I can remember right now. We all have regrets. We all don’t have to fess up to them in a deposition.

Good luck with everything. You know how people are when they decide to make someone a scapegoat. If you need a personal pick-me-up, read a blog post by Michael Twitty, a fellow who addresses the real problem in an eloquent way.

It’s not all about you; it’s about pervasive, systemic racism. It’s about the real challenges people who are not white face. And white people don’t see and understand these challenges precisely because they are white. (Contrary to common conservative thought, we all can’t get where we want to go through hard work. We are not all born equal.)

We need to get to a point as a nation where difference doesn’t come with judgment. My kids see difference in skin color, but they don’t attach “good” or “bad” labels to that difference.

For example, Dominic noticed that one of his camp counselors, a black woman, was married to a white man. I said that I hoped that didn’t bother him because his daddy and I are an interracial couple too.

Gideon piped up and said, “Oh I know. You are really white and Daddy is brown.”

Dominic replied, “Daddy’s not brown. He’s tan.”

(Note that photo in No. 7 up there and decide for yourself.)

Difference is good.* Judgment is bad.

But I think you know that.

Yours in love of buttery goodness,
Beth

* How boring would it be if we were all the same?

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Field Day (i.e., A Date with Satan)

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , on May 31, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Dear Teachers:

I admire you and appreciate you every single day. It takes a certain day of the year, though, to really remind me that your selfless, barely-paid work keeps me and moms like me out of straightjackets.

That day is Field Day.*

As soon as I set up shop in the Sack Race/Tug of War tent, I remembered that I vowed last year that I would never volunteer again.

Field Day must be like childbirth where you forget the pain and screaming until you are back at it. That’s the only excuse I have for volunteering again. I just forgot that it was akin to Lower Hell, otherwise known as the City of Dis, where active sins are punished.

Field Day at my children's school

Field Day at my children’s school

I took the morning off from work, thinking, “How bad could it be?”

It was bad.

So bad.

I’m not sure when I lost my will to live. It could have been after I told Ashton No. 14 to stop picking his nose (or that might have been Connor No. 12 or Jaden No. 9).

It could have been after I plucked fragments of the Tug of War rope out of my bloodied hands after telling the sixth group of jackals children to “Stop pulling! This side has already won!”

It could have been after my youngest child earned the Academy Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role for his performance as Tug of War Pileup Casualty.

I know this for sure: As my undercarriage area started steaming, I thought, “Never again.”

My husband made the mistake of calling me in the middle of this. I verbally assaulted him. He may have already consulted an attorney.

The outer ring of the seventh circle of Hell (ie. violence against people and property) nearly welcomed me when I took a break to go inside to get water. A number of women were sitting in chairs in the air-conditioned snack room — their assigned volunteer spots — chatting about shopping. Their hair was still styled, clothes clean and dry, foreheads unsheened. I regarded them through rage-clouded eyes and restrained my fists of fury.

Back outside with a warm, begrudgingly offered bottle of water, I slogged through what seemed like 4,000 more sack races and rope battles. Time stood still.

Sack Race No. 2,147

Sack Race No. 2,147

After the last group of the morning had shoved and cried their way through the two “games,” it was time for lunch. My oldest child, who suddenly looked so much taller than he had that morning, asked me if I would eat lunch with him in his classroom. He took me by the hand and said, “I love you, Mama.”

And I remembered why I volunteered.

See you next year!
Beth

* A day that consists of trying to corral children into teams to compete in games that are supposed to be fun. These games devolve into pushing matches, crying jags, and squeals of “he’s cheating!” And that’s just the parents. (I’m kidding. It was just me.)

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Mawage, that bwessed awangement

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , on May 16, 2013| 1 Comment »

Photo courtesy of Shane Marshall Brown

Photo courtesy of Shane Marshall Brown

Dear Shane and Jason:

Thank you so much for inviting me to your wedding. I haven’t cried at a wedding in years, but I cried at yours. Seeing wuv, true wuv made me emotional! Not that straight people don’t have true love too, but they don’t have problems making it legally binding.

(You obviously know how I feel about same-sex marriage, so I don’t need to go into great detail here.)

I just think if people could see what I saw, then there wouldn’t be any opposition. Love is love. Shane, look at your sweet face in this photo!

945154_10101436977751987_279929453_n

I feel honored that I could be a part of your special day, meet a whole passel of fun, self-proclaimed “theater gays,” and witness something truly wonderful. It even offered a teaching moment for my boys.

Dominic: “Why are you packing?”
Me: “Remember I’m going to my friends’ wedding?”
Dominic: “Oh right. Which friends?”
Me: “Shane and Jason.”
Dominic (looking at me for a beat): “Is Shane the girl?”
Me: “No.”
Dominic: “Jason’s the girl?”
Me: “No.”
Dominic: “They’re both boys?”
Me: “Yes.”
Dominic: “They’re gay?”
Me: “Yes.”
Dominic: “Gay people can get married?”

Yes, Dominic. They can in some places, and they should in more.

Do I love you because you’re beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you? (from “Cinderella,” Rodgers and Hammerstein)

I think you two are beautiful. Thank you for letting me share in your big moment.

Love,
Beth

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Parenting 101, redux

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on February 28, 2013| 1 Comment »

Dear WordPress:

I’m super annoyed at the fact that you decided to delete one of my posts. Here’s evidence that I actually posted something Feb. 22:

Screen shot 2013-02-28 at 2.43.22 PM

Were you trying to protect the woman I was complaining about, or did you simply make a big fat mistake?

To recap, I was irritated with the woman whose children have music lessons the same day as mine. Her child is a complete brat, but I believe he behaves that way because she allows it. A friend of mine pointed out that it could be that her son has developmental delays or learning challenges. I did consider that, and maybe he does. However, I’ve been observing his behavior and hers for more than three months now and I’m convinced that she is causing the problem or exacerbating an existing problem.

Here’s some evidence:

  • She is more interested in talking loudly on her cell phone than paying attention to him and what he is doing.
  • She makes very little effort to interact with him or redirect him in any way.
  • Instead of being specific about what she wants him to do (ie. read instead of play an iPad game), she asks him over and over again if he wants to do it. What kid wouldn’t say, “No” to a question like that?

My point in the post was that she clearly needs help in the form of a therapist, nanny or more involved husband or partner. I wasn’t so much telling her how she needed to parent her son, just that I would like her to make sure her son is not a huge disruption in the music lesson waiting room.

Maybe it is a good thing you deleted the former post, because now I have new information to share.

The son’s behavior was out of control this week, yet she had the nerve to give us parenting advice. WTF?!?

Check this out (faces obscured to protect the guilty):

The offense

That’s the kid lying in the middle of the floor. On the right is a guy carrying a large something and he needs to get by. On the left is the mom not doing anything. Only after the guy struggled to get past did she say anything.

The mom: Can you sit up in the chair?

The kid: NO!

In fact, he moved himself more into the center of the room. Then she stepped over him and LEFT THE ROOM to talk on her cell phone!

Later, she overheard Eddie telling one of the instructors he was sorry Gideon hadn’t practiced as much as usual. She piped up with this beauty:

Here’s what I do with my children: I offer a reward every time they practice their instruments.

Seriously, Woman? You feel you are in a position to offer any parenting advice at all? Notice my child in the photo above. See how he is sitting quietly, looking on in amazement at what the your kid is doing?

Now I do have some advice for you: STFU.

As for you, WordPress, don’t you dare delete this post!

Sincerely,
Beth

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Discover this show!

Posted in Random, tagged , on February 10, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Dear Discovery Channel:

Thank you so much for offering “Dual Survival” in your lineup. I stumbled across this show while stranded in a Hampton Inn in Macon on New Year’s Day.

I am fully aware that it is edited for entertainment purposes, as is typical of reality shows. But it seems to be more “real” than most. And costar Cody seems to be a man of integrity, if his posts regarding the show are any indication.

It is one show that appeals to my entire family. We’ve all learned so much from the show. For example, I learned:

  • How to catch prey using a bamboo v-trap
  • How to start a fire using the exposed filament of a flashlight bulb
  • How to stitch a wound using leafcutter ants"Dual Survival"

I also learned that I need to put costar Joe Teti on my list.

Joe

Hot and resourceful — just how I like ’em. So thanks for that casting decision.

The next time I find myself lost in the jungle or desert, I know my reality TV addiction will produce positive results in some respect. Keep up the good work!

Your loyal viewer,
Beth

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Young grasshoppers seek master*

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , on February 4, 2013| 2 Comments »

585px-Ninja-kanji.svg

Dear Jinichi Kawakami,

I’m writing you on behalf of my son Dominic and his friend Christian. They plan to be ninjas when they grow up, and would like to start training. As you are the 21st head of the Ban family, one of the 53 families that formed the renowned Koga Clan of ninja, you are in a position to help them realize their dreams.

Despite the fact that you told American Public Media Marketplace, “You cannot make a living being a ninja!,” the boys would like to try. Their plans originally included buying a blimp and flying over Switzerland to look for any suspicious activity. They abandoned the idea when I mentioned the following:

  1. Blimps are hard to come by. It’s not like they could go to O.C. Welch’s Used Blimp Lot and pick one up.
  2. If Christian and Dominic and their friends are off ninja-ing, there is no one to fly the blimp, or park it, so to speak, in the airspace over the area that needs ninjas.
  3. Though there likely is suspicious activity in Switzerland, there are other areas that need greater scrutiny. Washington, D.C., might be a good place to start.

The new plan is to purchase an RV to serve as home base for their clan of ninja. It offers easy access for potty breaks while they are getting in a full day of surveillance. The boys plan to serve as vigilantes: rescuing the helpless, punishing evil-doers, and generally righting society’s wrongs. Like any good shinobi, they plan to do this through espionage, infiltration and even open combat, if necessary, all while dressed in the finest of ninja outfits. (Dominic’s will be green, he says, to better blend into the natural environment.)

You and I can both agree that there is still a need for ninjas today, even though I have mentioned to them your assertion that they will need day jobs. Rest assured they are taking this to heart. Christian plans to be a lawyer and Dominic intends to be a park ranger or artist.

I urge you to rethink your refusal to take on a protégé for the deadly art of ninjitsu. I can recommend two aspiring ninjas who would thrive under your tutelage, and could carry on the tradition in an appropriate and respectful yet modern way. Please let me know if I can provide more information regarding their ninja candidacy.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Beth

n2

*Yes, I know that is a “Kung Fu” reference and has nothing to do with Japan and ninjas.

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The Case of Chester the (Alleged) Molester

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on January 29, 2013| 3 Comments »

jury-duty

Dear Defendant in Court Today:

You have the right to be presumed “innocent until proven guilty.” You may indeed be innocent. It’s entirely possible.

But you do not want me on your jury.

As soon as I heard the first charge against you — child molestation — I mentally declared you a creep and a criminal. I’ll bet other potential jurors thought the same thing.

But no one said a word when the district attorney asked if anyone would have difficulty maintaining an open mind. Perhaps it was the fear of piping up in a deathly quiet courtroom full of people.

The D.A. revealed more details of the case and I remembered news coverage. When he asked if anyone remembered this coverage, I stood up.

When he asked if I could remain impartial, I said I’d try.

Your attorney asked the same question, then wanted me to elaborate. I had to be honest. You’ll remember that I said, “I have two kids. My husband and I always talk about the fact that if someone did something to those kids, we’d be in court ourselves.” Of course I meant jail first for attacking the attacker.

Was I really the only one who felt this way? Your attorney seemed shocked.

Sorry, dude. You have the right to an impartial jury. Yet, I had already beaten you to a pulp in my mind.

Your attorney was wise to excuse me.

Hoping for justice in whatever form that takes,
Beth

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A memorable day

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , on September 9, 2012| 8 Comments »

Dear Eddie:

Seventeen years ago today, we paraded around in Forsyth Park. You were wearing a tuxedo and I was wearing a lacy concoction I’d never wear today. Your hair was super tall and curly. I had accidentally dyed mine black. We still looked OK — for ’95 anyway.

Most of our friends were there with us, wearing clothes they’d never be caught dead in today. Remember Pat’s teal suit?

Since that day, we’ve had so much fun together. We’ve traveled around the world, kept great friendships and made new ones, created two new human beings, and laughed with/at each other every day. You roll your eyes at my reality TV obsession while I sigh at your fitness ones. You sew while I like to raise chickens. You like to play the part of Megatron with the kids while I’m off playing Words with Friends. It works.

Some people get together and want the other person to change. But we don’t do that. We are essentially the same people we were when we got together. We’re both independent and self-sufficient. We don’t need each other; we want each other.

We’ve gone through some rough patches, but we both realize that marriage is work. That work reaps amazing rewards. I credit She Who Must Not Be Named for helping us strengthen our relationship early. It was the opposite of what she hoped, I know (cue evil laughter). And to Nancy Lopez, who said we wouldn’t last a year, well … [the title of a Cee Lo Green song applies here].

I think we’ve lasted because we took our time getting together in the first place. You know that saying: Good things come to those who wait. OK, yes, it was a ridiculously protracted time, but whatever. It worked.

And it doesn’t hurt that you look better now than you did when we got married.

I’ve seen pictures of some of the people I used to date and I think, “Dear God! What is that thing?” “Well, I certainly dodged a bullet.” “My husband is unusually handsome!” So thank you for not letting yourself go all to hell. And I hope you don’t think I look too raggedy. I’ve tried to keep it together.

Anyway, happy anniversary. I love you (duh!) but I also still like you. And I think that’s more important.

Love always,
Beth

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Goodbye to you

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , on August 29, 2012| 6 Comments »

Dear Bread, Pasta, Various Other Starches, Cheese and Sugar:

You and I have been inseparable for many, many years. I can’t even express how much I love you — truly love you — in all your wonderful, delectable forms.

Unfortunately, Eddie is making me give you up. It’s that damn CrossFit addiction. I wish there could be an Al Anon-type support system for spouses of members of the CrossFit cult.

Apparently, that CrossFit prescription of “constantly varied, high intensity, functional movement” also means “Don’t you dare put more than five grams of sugar in your mouth each day, and eat only meat, seeds, nuts and vegetables all caveman-style.”

So the children and I, being CrossFit heathens, have unhealthy habits and must conform. In good conscience, I can’t continue to spend time with you, let alone invite you into our house. I could go rogue, but the guilt would be too much to handle.

I love you — you know I do. I just can’t see you anymore. Please know that this isn’t easy for me. In fact (and I’m looking at you, Bread), I want to hang out with you right now. Especially if you are hot and bringing your friend Butter.

But I can’t.

I’m sure I’ll see you once in a while, out and about. That’s it. I hope you understand.

Love always,
Beth

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