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Posts Tagged ‘Obsessions’

Intergalactic, planetary* #SpacePlace #SundayStories

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , on May 18, 2024| 3 Comments »

Dear Alien Life Forms:

Apparently, you like the scenery of the Pacific Northwest as much as residents and tourists do.

In fact, there’s a whole festival celebrating a famous visit you made in 1950.

Postcard from the trip

I took my human form up to town to investigate.

Because of course I did.

You may not know this, but weird festivals are kind of my jam.

Anyway, I saw plenty while waiting for the parade to start.

People wearing protection
A reference for people of a certain age
One of you ready to receive visitors
Another reference for people of a certain age (POACA)
Is it art BY you or ABOUT you?
Prepared for the costume contest
They look fun!
Photos with a Sleestak. Of course. For POACA. Happily, this child does not look as traumatized as she would have if she had seen the source material.
I want to believe.

Things I never thought I’d hear:

“Watch out! Don’t hit people with your alien!” — a mom to her kid waving around an inflatable creature

“I don’t like aliens. They’re scary.” — an inflatable-free kid

Then it was time for the parade. I will tell you that I don’t much like parades. I was scarred for life by the boring St. Patrick’s Day parade in Savannah, which consists of politicians riding in convertibles and Irish families walking in a pack waving flags.

No thank you.

The last time I was at a parade, I came home with COVID.

But this was my first year at your celebration, so I gave it a go.

Here are the highlights:

I love a band.
I swear I thought she had a ball sack on her back. But it was just a flaccid alien replica.
You aliens come in all shapes and sizes.
And filled with life or … not.
There were bad guys …
… and good ones. That’s my friend Sarah!
Van HALIEN, y’all!

Afterward, it was time for lunch.

Sitting around like it’s just a regular day.
I had a crepe that was out of this world.

Then I went home to hang out with my own personal alien.

I have no idea what you real extraterrestrial beings think about all this. We must seem very primitive. There’s plenty of evidence for that.

I hope you are amused.

Now could you give me my condo keys back?

Thanks and Nanu Nanu,
Beth

*Yeah, those guys.

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Please Stand and Deliver* #SundayStories #Antmusic

Posted in Music, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on May 4, 2024| Leave a Comment »

Dear Adam,

I know we broke up in September 2019. I moved on.

I never forgot you, though.

When I heard you would be traveling through Salem, I decided to go see you for old times’ sake.

Our relationship has had its ups (2013) and downs (2012 and 2019)

I see you haven’t changed at all in the past five years.

Left: 2019; Right: 2024

I mean AT ALL. You might not have even been out of those clothes in all this time. I have no idea.

You’re even still wearing that stupid hat. Whyyyy?!

And you are peddling all the same merch. With new tour dates, sure.

I have all these shirts.

There is one new thing about you:

What is this, Adam? One single dreadlock? Gross.

Your voice sounds great, and you’ve remained trim.

But I don’t understand the little stage hops. You moved like your pants were too tight.

I know you are almost 70. I understand that you are not in your prime.

But this is your only job. And many fans are still paying to see you perform.

You have no kicks to give.

Frankly, I’m concerned. Your eyes looked dead.

When you were introducing the band, you paused for so long, I thought about calling 911.

Were you smelling burnt toast?

Seriously, I am worried about you.

Take some time off. Regroup. See your barber (and a stylist). Maybe consider retirement. You’ve worked hard. You’ve given the world some great music. Fans appreciate you. Don’t repay their loyalty by dying on stage in front of them.

Love always,
Beth

* The dandy highwayman himself

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Southern comfort #SundayStories

Posted in Home Sweet Home, Travel, tagged , , , , , , on April 11, 2024| Leave a Comment »

Dear Fellow Southerners:

I don’t think we know just how weird we are until we get around people who “ain’t from around here.”

Y’all* know I was just in Savannah. While there, I had to load up on things I can’t get in Oregon.

  1. Collard greens. When I find them in Oregon, the leaves are small and anemic. I’m used to ones the size of tobacco leaves.
  2. Barbecue sauce. Vinegar-based. Don’t give me any of that sweet Kansas City crap.
  3. Crab Shack hot sauce and seasoning. They also have a mustard-based barbecue sauce that’s pretty good.
  4. Applewood-smoked bacon. There is no comparison to meat from the Ogeechee Meat Market.
  5. Pimento cheese-flavored popcorn. Yes, please.
  6. Fresh okra. I asked for it at Roth’s the other day, and you would have thought I asked for a package of human fingers.
  7. Coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts. That is not a Southern thing, but there’s no runnin’ on Dunkin’ in the PNW. Probably because of Starbucks. I don’t want DD ground coffee. I can get that. I want the in-store brewed coffee. So I froze a Box o’ Joe and packed it.

More than half of my 44-pound suitcase (!) filled with groceries.

One morning this week, I woke up singing “BFE” by Kane Brown. That was the morning I decided to have fried okra for breakfast. That’s right: cut, bathed in egg, coated in a mix of seasonings, flour and corn meal. For breakfast. I made it slightly healthier by popping it in the air fryer.

And so I’m singing the song, dredging this okra in breading, and I realized this:

You can take the girl out of the South, but you can’t take the South out of the girl.

I smiled, and kept on going.

My okra was amazing.

Look at it!

Clearly, I ain’t from around here.

And that’s ok. It makes me appreciate my background even more.

All y’all have a good day, ya hear!

Your Redneck Friend,
Beth (the devil who went down to Georgia 😂)

*Legit contraction not limited to the South anymore.

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How bizarre, how bizarre* #SundayStories #NotEasterrelated

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on March 30, 2024| 3 Comments »

Hi everyone!

It’s been a while. I don’t have an excuse beyond rain, work and lethargy.

I went out this week with a coworker who grew up Mormon. As a student at BYU, she was asked by a boy, “What’s your talent?”

Like most people would be, she was astounded.

But that religion is about getting, having and keeping a man, so …

That phrase made me think: What’s my talent?

I can write — when inspired (and not hampered by rain, work and lethargy).

I can cook complicated dishes. Homemade ravioli? NBD.

I can tie a cherry stem in my mouth with my tongue. (Party trick FTW!)

I can follow directions. (Please put me as your No. 2 for “The Amazing Race.” I will not disappoint.)

I can meet a deadline like no one else.

I am organized as f—-.

I am an excellent travel agent and companion.

I’m the “yes, and?” friend — up for any adventure.

I can even do these adventures on my own.

For example, I needed to kill time in Portland before I headed to the airport. I found the Peculiarium.

Seemingly right up my alley.

And it was, except the gift shop was larger than the main attraction.

Here are some photos of the highlights so you don’t have to spend time and $10 when you are in Portland.

True crime dollhouse
A new friend
Oh nooooo! Things have gone horribly wrong for me!

Anyway.

What was scarier was this house next door:

This doesn’t seem safe.

Maybe there are talented contractors out there who can help this old house.

I’m not interested in that adventure. I can be handy if necessary, but that needs more help than I can provide.

What’s your talent?

Tell me everything.

Beth

*OMC — blast from the past.

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A show that really takes the biscuit* #SundayStories

Posted in Cultural differences, Travel, tagged , , , , , , , , on March 3, 2024| 5 Comments »

Dear British Folks:

You know how I love your TV shows. I can’t get over the full frontal on regular TV.

Even your reality shows are so different from ours in America. They are just so civilized. I mean, just look at the “Great British Bake Off.” The competition is with THEMSELVES. “Oh this tart. It’s just not my day” and the like.

But then there is “Four in a Bed.” I saw a side of you people that shocked me to my core.

(Interruption for people who aren’t familiar with the show: Four innkeepers take turns staying at each other’s places then rate them on facilities, breakfast, host attitude, etc. They also pay what they think the stay was worth. There’s a winner at the end.)

In Season 14, Episode 1, Mandi didn’t like that Natalie, who wears the pants in her relationship with Mark (contestants noted this repeatedly), deducted some points for cleanliness because there was a dust layer on the nightstand.

Well. That meant WAR.

When it came time for the stay at Mark and Natalie’s, this lady stood on the nightstand to find cobwebs on top of the four-poster bed. She was on her hands and knees in the bathroom to look close enough to find wee stains in the toilet grout. She deducted points for two hairs on the carpet. A six for cleanliness was a low blow, considering she only gave a two to “Sleeperdorm” that actually had a wee-stained mattress and suspicious drips down the wall.

I’ve never seen a more vicious show in your country.

And I watch plenty of British TV.

Anyway, thanks for making me feel better about our miserable Housewives and whatnot.

Tra!
Beth

*Love me some slang.

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Party in the USA* #SundayStories

Posted in Friends, Music, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2024| 4 Comments »

Dear Savannah Friends,

Many of you expressed concern about my social well-being when I saw you over the holidays.

Fair.

I do need to get out more. Try to meet more non-work people.

So this week, I did two things in two different places with two different sets of people:

Line dancing in Salem and a drag show in Portland.

How is that for running the gamut?

Those of you who have known me a while know that I haunted Stetsons in Savannah for line-dancing nights back in the day.

Salem, Oregon, is apparently a hotspot for line dancing. (Who knew?)

The colleague who told me about this event did provide some additional information.

It was great! I had fun and got some exercise. People were very welcoming.

That was Thursday night. I went to Darcelle XV in Portland on Friday night.

It was not like any other drag show I’ve seen. I’m used to acrobatic, can-pass-as performers working the crowd. This show was more like a cabaret stocked with Joan Crawford/Bette Davis clones in evening gowns. To tip, you threw your money in a bowl at center stage.

It was a good evening with friends, but I probably wouldn’t go back to the regular show. There’s an “open mic”-style drag show on Tuesdays that looks more interesting.

Still, I could have had a terrible time at either or both of these places and been happy to be out.

My next big event out should be a doozy:

Stay tuned.

Love,
Beth

*Love me some Miley.

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Ho, ho, holy heck: What is that song?! #SundaySongs

Posted in Music, tagged , , , , , , on December 22, 2023| Leave a Comment »

I start listening to Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving. It’s all I listen to the whole month. I’m not ashamed.

Some songs I like much better than others.

Here are my Top 10 “classics” (30+ years old):

  1. “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” Andy Williams. When I hear this, I know we are in my favorite season.
  2. “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas,” Bing Crosby. A true classic.
  3. “Do They Know It’s Christmas,” Band Aid. Nothing says Christmas like the “clanging chimes of doom.” Don’t listen to the lyrics. Just enjoy Boy George, Bono, George Michael, Sting and Simon Le Bon, among other ‘80s faves.
  4. “Winter Wonderland,” Eurythmics. I’m a child of the ‘80s. “A Very Special Christmas Album” is canon.
  5. “Sleigh Ride,” Ronettes. It’s so peppy.
  6. “Christmas Wrapping,” The Waitresses. It’s the bass line for me.
  7. “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree,” by Brenda Lee. Try not to dance to it. I dare you.
  8. “You’re a Mean One,” Thurl Ravenscroft. The Grinch is the OG of holiday crankiness. I love him, but I don’t identify with him until his heart grows three sizes.
  9. “Merry Christmas Darling,” The Carpenters. Karen had some pipes.
  10. “All Alone on Christmas,” Darlene Love. I can’t explain why I like this one. I just do.

I also like “new” stuff. These are my favorites:

  1. “Underneath the Tree,” Kelly Clarkson. Love her in general. She seems normal.
  2. “Mistletoe,” Justin Bieber. Don’t say a word to me. I have no shame.
  3. “Like It’s Christmas,” Jonas Brothers. Again, no shame.
  4. “You Make It Feel Like Christmas,” Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton. It feels so HAPPY!
  5. “Merry Christmas,” Ed Sheeran and Elton John. I like Ed in general. Can do without Elton. But I like this song.

I just heard another contender today: “Fancy Like Christmas” by Walker Hayes. I love the original song (“Fancy Like”). This is a fun take.

Of course there are songs I hate too. I’m not even going to link them. I love you all too much to torture you.

  1. “Blue Christmas,” Elvis. Just the WORST. Draggy and thoroughly unenjoyable. The song itself isn’t bad. This rendition is dreadful.
  2. “Feliz Navidad,” José Feliciano. I just hate it. Only a few words over and over.
  3. “Little Saint Nick,” The Beach Boys. It feels like it’s stuck in first gear. Never gets going.
  4. “Winter Wonderland,” Katy Perry. I love her. I don’t love this. It’s not her best work.
  5. “Santa Baby,” Eartha Kitt. Yes, she’s a legend. But this song is lifeless. I prefer Madonna’s version. See No. 4 in the top 10.

Please tell me your favorite and least favorite in the comments.

Happy holidays!
Beth

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No kicks on ROOT 66* #FestivalFriday

Posted in Travel, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on June 2, 2023| 3 Comments »

Dear People of Collinsville,

I attended your annual International Horseradish Festival this year. Those who know me know that I love a niche festival. Grilled cheese, nations, beer, onions, rednecks, rattlesnakes — you name some weird focus, and you can count me in.

So attending this festival was a no-brainer. I put it on my calendar this time last year after I realized (to my dismay) that I had missed it.

A quick drive across the Mighty Mississippi, and I was in your thriving metropolis.

“Thriving.”

Granted, it was the first day of the festival, but I assumed there would be more.

More of everything, but especially HORSERADISH.

I saw more on the drive in than I did at the festival!

This was the ONLY VENDOR selling horseradish products:

And this was the only one with plants:

You know what the festival DID have, though?

Funnel cakes and corn dogs
Turkey legs and tractors

As well it should.

It also had interesting information about the spicy root.

And town info.

Tom Petty night! I might be back for Rockabilly.

Still, I was … underwhelmed. I was in and out in fewer than 30 minutes.

Maybe I just needed to schedule my visit around the Root Toss or the Bloody Mary Contest or Root Grinding. In that case, I apologize for judging you harshly.

Good luck with future festivals!
Beth

* I know, I know. I can’t help it.

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The Graduate #SundayStories

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2023| 7 Comments »

Hi everyone!

It may or may not be a surprise, but Dominic made it to and through graduation.

During COVID, he just checked out of school. (Let’s be honest: He wasn’t exactly a star student before COVID either.) He just wouldn’t turn things in. He’d procrastinate until the very end then scrape by.

“So what are his plans now?”

Many, many people have asked. If I had a dollar for every time … well, you know.

I understand that it comes from a place of genuine curiosity, but I really am tired of saying, “I don’t know.”

I don’t know because Dominic doesn’t know.

He’s in teenage limbo where he has not yet found his passion and purpose.

I always knew what I wanted to do. I’ve always had a plan. I am not the kind of person who drifts through life.

But some people are, and that’s fine. He’s one of them. I’m not trying to impose my will on him.

He might work for a year.

He might go to college.

He might go into the military.

His friends know what they are going to do, and that adds pressure.

He’ll figure it out. The frontal lobe is still developing.

In the meantime, at least he’s passed this milestone. I’m proud of him.

And I’m as interested as everyone else in what’s next.

Beth

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It’s a CATastrophe over on Next Door #WhiningWednesday

Posted in Advice, Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 26, 2023| 8 Comments »

Y’all.

I’ve mentioned before how much I love the Next Door app.

I cannot get enough of the petty drama. Just look:

Lord have mercy. These PEOPLE.

But I am HERE for it.

And for what it is worth, I’m Team Heather.

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