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Posts Tagged ‘Out of the house’

Part of the world might be all sunshine and rainbows #Rocky #SundayStories

Posted in Travel, tagged , , , , , , on August 11, 2024| 2 Comments »

Dear Philly:

It’s been YEARS since I’ve been in your environs. But you are where my annual journalism educators conference was held.

I think I like you better than I did when I was last here — about 15 years ago. And I liked you then.

You have history:

Pop culture:

(Here’s a hint if that means nothing to you:)

AND plenty of cool new things to do. Like the Cauldron Bar, where you can make potions.

I love themed things like this.

My fellow witch and wizard discussed creative evening options available now during our concoction brewing.

I want to DO things when I go out: sing karaoke, try to dominate at trivia, play darts, suck at pool, do an escape room, trash talk during mini golf, murder someone at Skee ball. I don’t want to sit around at a bar.

There are more places cropping up where you can do these things, and the focus isn’t on drinking.

Philly, you even have Karaoke Taxi.

Whuuuuut?!

Don’t threaten me with a good time.

Anyway, I had a great time. Thanks. I’ll be back. I’m def an East Coast girl.

Also, you have Dunkin’ Donuts, so …

Love ya!
Beth

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Not my first rodeo #SundayStories

Posted in Cultural differences, Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 4, 2024| 3 Comments »

Dear Yamhill County Fair,

You have everything I would expect in a county fair:

Rides assembled and operated by ex convicts
Parking in a field
Odd signs (“shave ice”)
“Food” in the form of corn dogs and funnel cakes
White people in overalls

You also have some things I didn’t expect:

Hats with fake Trump hair
Goats with unusual pelts
The biggest trough of curly fries I’ve ever seen
A rodeo (photo by Amy)
Me as a chicken (photo by Amy)
Inflatable cattle
Sleepy pigs

And Sir Mix-a-Lot.

Thanks for an interesting time!
Beth

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Are you ready for some football?* Er, soccer. #SundayStories

Posted in Friends, Random, tagged , , , , , on July 28, 2024| Leave a Comment »

Dear Wrexham Women:

I’m a fan. That’s why I badgered my friend Jason into seeing you take on the Portland Thorns on the Wrex Coast Tour.

But it wasn’t the Thorns. It was the Thorns Academy. Like high schoolers.

Should have been an easy win, right.

Yeah, not so much.

When we left (early, because we are old and wanted to “avoid the crowds” as our dads used to say), you were down 4-0. One goal happened because your goalie was way out on the field.

I was, as the kids say, SHOOKETH.

It’s like you had never played the game before.

But I know from “Welcome to Wrexham,” that you are really good.

So WTF?

Did you want to save yourselves an injury? Didn’t work. No. 10 left with a knee issue.

What was the purpose? You didn’t get new fans, and current ones were disappointed. (It was a wreck and then some. Wreck-some. Har har.)

Good thing I didn’t really care about the game.

I cared most about hanging out with Jason. We had a great time! Just look:

We’ve been friends for more than a decade, but are now up in each other’s business because we live in the same place again.

(Side note to Jason: our friendship is over if you send me that lactation pod photo again. 😂)

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your jaunt on the West Coast.

Maybe I’ll see you on your home turf someday and be impressed.

Sincerely,
Beth

*Hank, of course.

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The heat is on* #SundayStories #Summertime

Posted in Home Sweet Home, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2024| 7 Comments »

Dear Summer,

Listen: I know plenty of people like you. We were all conditioned to like you because that is when we finally got a break from school.

But imma** be real with you: I hate you. You can GTFO.

I don’t like to sweat. It’s why I prefer exercising in the water.

I don’t want to lie in the sun and bake.

I’m not a fan of wearing shorts.

I moved to the Pacific Northwest where I was promised clouds and rain.

Yet here you are, Summer. Coming in hot.

Literally.

It was above 100 degrees for a few days last week.

My office is on the third floor of an old building with no air conditioning.

My house does not have central air.

Many places here do not have AC.

Why? It was never needed.

Now it is.

For you MAGA idiots who “do your own research” squawking that climate change isn’t real, let me tell you something:

It really f—ing is.

I have a degree in meteorology. For real.

(Ok, I’m breathing. Deep breaths. In with the good air; out with the bad.)

Anyway, no air.

When I got here and noted this travesty, people said to me, “But Beth, you are from the South!”

Yes, and we have air conditioning everywhere. In fact, the AC is so strong that you keep a sweater in your car just in case.

Not here. I even took the usual sweater off my naked cat so he could stay cool.

It’s not over yet. Tuesday will be hot too.

And I remember last year when we had 107-degree temps for a week in August. Fun.

So, Summer, please go. Fall, you’re the one that I want.

Kthxbyeeee,
Beth

*Glenn.
**Stealing from kids today.

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Dance Hall Days* #MondayMotivation

Posted in Music, Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , on June 24, 2024| 6 Comments »

Dear Rick Coffey:

I had never heard of you before a month ago when my work friend Yu-Shan asked if I wanted to go to one of your events.

I often say “yes” to plans because I know I need to get out of the house (and I do like to try new things).

Then in true introvert-in-training style, I have regrets when the day arrives.

Anyway, I went.

Sir, you’ve created a cult.

I was immediately horrified that I was going to have to try dance fitness with all these people — people who were stretching!

I’m still scarred from Zumba.

Fun fact: I’m not super coordinated.

I do love line dancing, but that only involves two appendages. If I have to involve my arms, that’s a problem.

It’s why I didn’t make drill team or the cheerleading squad.

I expected you to go through the steps, and I would enter a period of self loathing.

But it was a free-for-all in the very best way. There were 100+ people there, and no one was looking at anyone but you and your squad.

And you aren’t what I expected to look at. For someone who now makes a living leading dance fitness classes, I was surprised to see your dad bod.

And thrilled, if I’m honest.

Fitness comes in all sizes, and there was no shame on display. It was fantastic.

I kept up with the moves to hits like “Country Grammar,” “Thong Song” and “Lady Marmalade.”

By “kept up,” I mean “remained alive and upright.”

My Apple watch gave up. The shock of me doing cardio was too much.

My phone, which was in my pocket, refused to record my efforts.

EIGHT MINUTES?!? Try 75.

Even my underboob sweat had sweat.

Still damp 30 minutes later when I got to a shower.

You have a catch phrase — “evolve unapologetically” — and were selling merch emblazoned with it. But it was this one that caught my eye.

I was a solo artist, for sure.

Was it good for me? Yes.

Did I enjoy it? As much as I could.

Will I go back? Maybe.

You know who did love it? My cute, energetic, fit friend.

Ultimately, I’m impressed by you and your operation. Totally worth the $25.

My padded hide and I thank you.

Sincerely,
Beth

*Everybody Wang Chung tonight.

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Intergalactic, planetary* #SpacePlace #SundayStories

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , on May 18, 2024| 3 Comments »

Dear Alien Life Forms:

Apparently, you like the scenery of the Pacific Northwest as much as residents and tourists do.

In fact, there’s a whole festival celebrating a famous visit you made in 1950.

Postcard from the trip

I took my human form up to town to investigate.

Because of course I did.

You may not know this, but weird festivals are kind of my jam.

Anyway, I saw plenty while waiting for the parade to start.

People wearing protection
A reference for people of a certain age
One of you ready to receive visitors
Another reference for people of a certain age (POACA)
Is it art BY you or ABOUT you?
Prepared for the costume contest
They look fun!
Photos with a Sleestak. Of course. For POACA. Happily, this child does not look as traumatized as she would have if she had seen the source material.
I want to believe.

Things I never thought I’d hear:

“Watch out! Don’t hit people with your alien!” — a mom to her kid waving around an inflatable creature

“I don’t like aliens. They’re scary.” — an inflatable-free kid

Then it was time for the parade. I will tell you that I don’t much like parades. I was scarred for life by the boring St. Patrick’s Day parade in Savannah, which consists of politicians riding in convertibles and Irish families walking in a pack waving flags.

No thank you.

The last time I was at a parade, I came home with COVID.

But this was my first year at your celebration, so I gave it a go.

Here are the highlights:

I love a band.
I swear I thought she had a ball sack on her back. But it was just a flaccid alien replica.
You aliens come in all shapes and sizes.
And filled with life or … not.
There were bad guys …
… and good ones. That’s my friend Sarah!
Van HALIEN, y’all!

Afterward, it was time for lunch.

Sitting around like it’s just a regular day.
I had a crepe that was out of this world.

Then I went home to hang out with my own personal alien.

I have no idea what you real extraterrestrial beings think about all this. We must seem very primitive. There’s plenty of evidence for that.

I hope you are amused.

Now could you give me my condo keys back?

Thanks and Nanu Nanu,
Beth

*Yeah, those guys.

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Pretty good at drinkin’ beer* #SundayStories

Posted in Music, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 12, 2024| 3 Comments »

Dear Drunk Students From Last Night:

I hope your hangover is not too bad. Perhaps you are still mad at me, but I’m betting you forgot our entire interaction.

I’m sorry I had to be the bad guy.

My volunteer job at the concert’s beer garden required me to enforce just three rules:

  1. Must have a pink wristband to enter.
  2. No beer outside of the beer garden.
  3. No passing beer over the beer-garden barrier.

I stopped one of you from violating No. 2 and had this exchange:

Me: Sorry, you can’t leave this area with those [gesturing to his two cups of beer].
Him: Am I supposed to chug them?
Me: I’m not recommending that, but you can.
Him: But I want to go hear the music.
Me: Great! You can do that right here.

Another one of you tried to be slick by putting the cup close to your body and walking out while turned away from me.

Listen, girl: I was young once too. I know ALL the tricks.

Rule No. 3 was — by far — the one that caused you the most dismay.

To be fair, the setup wasn’t great. There should have been a fence for the fence.

But policing that line with you was rough.

Beer makes some of you very bad-tempered. I almost had to call security. (That would have meant breaking up the officers’ coffee klatch though.)

Luckily, only a handful of you acted the fool. Most of you were well behaved.

Also, I was thrilled that the beer ran out quickly, and I was relieved of my duties.

Y’all seemed to have a great time overall and enjoyed the concert. That’s good.

Fairly well-attended concert for an artist whose name escapes me.

I did NOT have the greatest time, but that’s ok. I performed a necessary service by reducing liability.

Take some Tylenol. Drink water. Eat a bagel. You’ll be fine.

Maybe I’ll see you next year!
Beth

*Billy Currington, who had his own substance issues.

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Please Stand and Deliver* #SundayStories #Antmusic

Posted in Music, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on May 4, 2024| Leave a Comment »

Dear Adam,

I know we broke up in September 2019. I moved on.

I never forgot you, though.

When I heard you would be traveling through Salem, I decided to go see you for old times’ sake.

Our relationship has had its ups (2013) and downs (2012 and 2019)

I see you haven’t changed at all in the past five years.

Left: 2019; Right: 2024

I mean AT ALL. You might not have even been out of those clothes in all this time. I have no idea.

You’re even still wearing that stupid hat. Whyyyy?!

And you are peddling all the same merch. With new tour dates, sure.

I have all these shirts.

There is one new thing about you:

What is this, Adam? One single dreadlock? Gross.

Your voice sounds great, and you’ve remained trim.

But I don’t understand the little stage hops. You moved like your pants were too tight.

I know you are almost 70. I understand that you are not in your prime.

But this is your only job. And many fans are still paying to see you perform.

You have no kicks to give.

Frankly, I’m concerned. Your eyes looked dead.

When you were introducing the band, you paused for so long, I thought about calling 911.

Were you smelling burnt toast?

Seriously, I am worried about you.

Take some time off. Regroup. See your barber (and a stylist). Maybe consider retirement. You’ve worked hard. You’ve given the world some great music. Fans appreciate you. Don’t repay their loyalty by dying on stage in front of them.

Love always,
Beth

* The dandy highwayman himself

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Beaver state of mind #SundayStories

Posted in Friends, Home Sweet Home, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2024| 2 Comments »

Dear Oregon,

I think we are going to be ok together. I’m feeling optimistic.

It’s probably because the sun is back.

Or the fact that I realized I’ve had nearly two full weeks of social activities, including:

Line dancing with Henry, a friend from college who was passing through.
Karaoke with coworkers and friends old and new.
Games with long-time friends from my Savannah days.
A huge wine-tasting event I was able to attend for free with another coworker.
Line dancing at a new-to-me club in Salem: Silver Spur.

About that club …

It was packed with folks aged 25-35.

Hence, not folks like me. 😂

I enjoyed the people-watching.

But then this happened:

I have thoughts.

  • This is LINE DANCING, not a sporting event. No need for the national anthem. (I would argue that we don’t even need it at sporting events.)
  • This is HOURS into the night. Why play it THEN?
  • Is this girl signing the anthem? If so, is that RIGHT? It looks made up. Like this lady. (Based on this, I think she’s full of it.)

In addition to the fascinating fauna people, the flora is pretty great too.

Double-flowering plum trees are everywhere.
They are lovely until a stiff wind comes by.

In general, I’m happy. Everything is going to be ok.

Thanks for being patient with me.

Your new friend,
Beth

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Southern comfort #SundayStories

Posted in Home Sweet Home, Travel, tagged , , , , , , on April 11, 2024| Leave a Comment »

Dear Fellow Southerners:

I don’t think we know just how weird we are until we get around people who “ain’t from around here.”

Y’all* know I was just in Savannah. While there, I had to load up on things I can’t get in Oregon.

  1. Collard greens. When I find them in Oregon, the leaves are small and anemic. I’m used to ones the size of tobacco leaves.
  2. Barbecue sauce. Vinegar-based. Don’t give me any of that sweet Kansas City crap.
  3. Crab Shack hot sauce and seasoning. They also have a mustard-based barbecue sauce that’s pretty good.
  4. Applewood-smoked bacon. There is no comparison to meat from the Ogeechee Meat Market.
  5. Pimento cheese-flavored popcorn. Yes, please.
  6. Fresh okra. I asked for it at Roth’s the other day, and you would have thought I asked for a package of human fingers.
  7. Coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts. That is not a Southern thing, but there’s no runnin’ on Dunkin’ in the PNW. Probably because of Starbucks. I don’t want DD ground coffee. I can get that. I want the in-store brewed coffee. So I froze a Box o’ Joe and packed it.

More than half of my 44-pound suitcase (!) filled with groceries.

One morning this week, I woke up singing “BFE” by Kane Brown. That was the morning I decided to have fried okra for breakfast. That’s right: cut, bathed in egg, coated in a mix of seasonings, flour and corn meal. For breakfast. I made it slightly healthier by popping it in the air fryer.

And so I’m singing the song, dredging this okra in breading, and I realized this:

You can take the girl out of the South, but you can’t take the South out of the girl.

I smiled, and kept on going.

My okra was amazing.

Look at it!

Clearly, I ain’t from around here.

And that’s ok. It makes me appreciate my background even more.

All y’all have a good day, ya hear!

Your Redneck Friend,
Beth (the devil who went down to Georgia 😂)

*Legit contraction not limited to the South anymore.

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