Posted in Friends, Travel, tagged Beer and wine, Family, Food, Friends, Oregon, Out of the house, Travel on August 25, 2024| 3 Comments »
Dear Friends and Family,
I’ve been in Oregon a year. I’ve had a visit from one friend. (Shout-out to Amber. Holla!)
Listen, I’ll make it worth your while. Here are some fun things we can do:
One thing is for certain, though:
Make your plans to visit me now.
Hope to see you soon!
Love,
Beth
Posted in Education, tagged Beer and wine, Bright ideas, Obsessions, Oregon, Out of the house, White people on August 18, 2024| 2 Comments »
Hi y’all!
I’m back on my bullshit. And by that, I mean taking classes in some esoteric subject just for kicks.
This time, it’s wine. I completed the Wine and Spirit Education Trust Level 1 Award in Wines in May.
Now I’m on Level 2. This means I am learning about and sampling wine for three hours every Monday night for six weeks.
Sounds terrible, right?
Why am I doing this? Well, WHY NOT?!
I would not say I have a sophisticated palate when it comes to wine. I will say that it has expanded and developed over the years.
I used to limit myself to sweet wine (perhaps shaped by consumption of Boone’s Farm back in the day).
Then I spent a few months in the South of France. My arrival coincided with harvest season. I discovered Châteauneuf-du-Pape. Mmmm.
This week, we covered Riesling, Chardonnay and Sauvignon Blanc.
Chardonnay and I have not been friends. I have a theory that people who dislike Chardonnay also dislike IPAs.
(IPAs. Gross.)
What I have learned in this class, though, is that I don’t like Chardonnays fermented in oak. Give me stainless steel, please.
See? I’m learning.
I’ve also learned that my palate may be more discerning than I thought.
We tasted a zinfandel last week. We were supposed to taste notes of red fruits and black fruits.
OK, check.
Another student in the class said she tasted meat.
Alright, Jill. Calm down.
But maybe I’m the weird one. After all, one wine did taste like chicken bouillon to me.
I’ll know more in a few weeks. Yet, I’ll never know as much as folks in the “Somm” documentary.
I was planning on just being happy to pass the eventual test. But I’ve learned that it’s possible to pass with merit (75+) or distinction (85+). Great. Now I have to study.
Wish me well!
Beth
Posted in Travel, tagged Beer and wine, Bright ideas, Food, Games, Out of the house, Travel, White people on August 11, 2024| 2 Comments »
Dear Philly:
It’s been YEARS since I’ve been in your environs. But you are where my annual journalism educators conference was held.
I think I like you better than I did when I was last here — about 15 years ago. And I liked you then.
You have history:
Pop culture:
(Here’s a hint if that means nothing to you:)
AND plenty of cool new things to do. Like the Cauldron Bar, where you can make potions.
I love themed things like this.
My fellow witch and wizard discussed creative evening options available now during our concoction brewing.
I want to DO things when I go out: sing karaoke, try to dominate at trivia, play darts, suck at pool, do an escape room, trash talk during mini golf, murder someone at Skee ball. I don’t want to sit around at a bar.
There are more places cropping up where you can do these things, and the focus isn’t on drinking.
Philly, you even have Karaoke Taxi.
Whuuuuut?!
Don’t threaten me with a good time.
Anyway, I had a great time. Thanks. I’ll be back. I’m def an East Coast girl.
Also, you have Dunkin’ Donuts, so …
Love ya!
Beth
Posted in Cultural differences, Random, tagged Chickens, Country music, Food, Friends, Obsessions, Oregon, Out of the house, Outfits, Politics, Rednecks, Signs, Sports, White people on August 4, 2024| 3 Comments »
Dear Yamhill County Fair,
You have everything I would expect in a county fair:
Rides assembled and operated by ex convicts
Parking in a field
Odd signs (“shave ice”)
“Food” in the form of corn dogs and funnel cakes
White people in overalls
You also have some things I didn’t expect:
And Sir Mix-a-Lot.
Thanks for an interesting time!
Beth
Posted in Friends, Random, tagged Bright ideas, Friends, Oregon, Out of the house, Sports, White people on July 28, 2024| Leave a Comment »
Dear Wrexham Women:
I’m a fan. That’s why I badgered my friend Jason into seeing you take on the Portland Thorns on the Wrex Coast Tour.
But it wasn’t the Thorns. It was the Thorns Academy. Like high schoolers.
Should have been an easy win, right.
Yeah, not so much.
When we left (early, because we are old and wanted to “avoid the crowds” as our dads used to say), you were down 4-0. One goal happened because your goalie was way out on the field.
I was, as the kids say, SHOOKETH.
It’s like you had never played the game before.
But I know from “Welcome to Wrexham,” that you are really good.
So WTF?
Did you want to save yourselves an injury? Didn’t work. No. 10 left with a knee issue.
What was the purpose? You didn’t get new fans, and current ones were disappointed. (It was a wreck and then some. Wreck-some. Har har.)
Good thing I didn’t really care about the game.
I cared most about hanging out with Jason. We had a great time! Just look:
We’ve been friends for more than a decade, but are now up in each other’s business because we live in the same place again.
(Side note to Jason: our friendship is over if you send me that lactation pod photo again. 😂)
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your jaunt on the West Coast.
Maybe I’ll see you on your home turf someday and be impressed.
Sincerely,
Beth
*Hank, of course.
Posted in Home Sweet Home, tagged Atlanta, Complaints, Death, Nudity, Oregon, Out of the house, Outfits, Peeves, Politics, Rednecks, Savannah, Sunburn, White people on July 14, 2024| 7 Comments »
Dear Summer,
Listen: I know plenty of people like you. We were all conditioned to like you because that is when we finally got a break from school.
But imma** be real with you: I hate you. You can GTFO.
I don’t like to sweat. It’s why I prefer exercising in the water.
I don’t want to lie in the sun and bake.
I’m not a fan of wearing shorts.
I moved to the Pacific Northwest where I was promised clouds and rain.
Yet here you are, Summer. Coming in hot.
Literally.
It was above 100 degrees for a few days last week.
My office is on the third floor of an old building with no air conditioning.
My house does not have central air.
Many places here do not have AC.
Why? It was never needed.
For you MAGA idiots who “do your own research” squawking that climate change isn’t real, let me tell you something:
I have a degree in meteorology. For real.
(Ok, I’m breathing. Deep breaths. In with the good air; out with the bad.)
Anyway, no air.
When I got here and noted this travesty, people said to me, “But Beth, you are from the South!”
Yes, and we have air conditioning everywhere. In fact, the AC is so strong that you keep a sweater in your car just in case.
Not here. I even took the usual sweater off my naked cat so he could stay cool.
It’s not over yet. Tuesday will be hot too.
And I remember last year when we had 107-degree temps for a week in August. Fun.
So, Summer, please go. Fall, you’re the one that I want.
Kthxbyeeee,
Beth
*Glenn.
**Stealing from kids today.
Posted in Music, Random, tagged Aging, Bright ideas, Fat, Friends, Music, Oregon, Out of the house, Pop Music, The Gym, White people on June 24, 2024| 6 Comments »
Dear Rick Coffey:
I had never heard of you before a month ago when my work friend Yu-Shan asked if I wanted to go to one of your events.
I often say “yes” to plans because I know I need to get out of the house (and I do like to try new things).
Then in true introvert-in-training style, I have regrets when the day arrives.
Anyway, I went.
Sir, you’ve created a cult.
I was immediately horrified that I was going to have to try dance fitness with all these people — people who were stretching!
I’m still scarred from Zumba.
Fun fact: I’m not super coordinated.
I do love line dancing, but that only involves two appendages. If I have to involve my arms, that’s a problem.
It’s why I didn’t make drill team or the cheerleading squad.
I expected you to go through the steps, and I would enter a period of self loathing.
But it was a free-for-all in the very best way. There were 100+ people there, and no one was looking at anyone but you and your squad.
And you aren’t what I expected to look at. For someone who now makes a living leading dance fitness classes, I was surprised to see your dad bod.
And thrilled, if I’m honest.
Fitness comes in all sizes, and there was no shame on display. It was fantastic.
I kept up with the moves to hits like “Country Grammar,” “Thong Song” and “Lady Marmalade.”
By “kept up,” I mean “remained alive and upright.”
My Apple watch gave up. The shock of me doing cardio was too much.
My phone, which was in my pocket, refused to record my efforts.
Even my underboob sweat had sweat.
You have a catch phrase — “evolve unapologetically” — and were selling merch emblazoned with it. But it was this one that caught my eye.
I was a solo artist, for sure.
Was it good for me? Yes.
Did I enjoy it? As much as I could.
Will I go back? Maybe.
You know who did love it? My cute, energetic, fit friend.
Ultimately, I’m impressed by you and your operation. Totally worth the $25.
My padded hide and I thank you.
Sincerely,
Beth
*Everybody Wang Chung tonight.
Posted in Random, tagged Aliens, Food, Friends, Obsessions, Oregon, Out of the house, Signs, White people on May 18, 2024| 3 Comments »
Dear Alien Life Forms:
Apparently, you like the scenery of the Pacific Northwest as much as residents and tourists do.
In fact, there’s a whole festival celebrating a famous visit you made in 1950.
I took my human form up to town to investigate.
Because of course I did.
You may not know this, but weird festivals are kind of my jam.
Anyway, I saw plenty while waiting for the parade to start.
Things I never thought I’d hear:
“Watch out! Don’t hit people with your alien!” — a mom to her kid waving around an inflatable creature
“I don’t like aliens. They’re scary.” — an inflatable-free kid
Then it was time for the parade. I will tell you that I don’t much like parades. I was scarred for life by the boring St. Patrick’s Day parade in Savannah, which consists of politicians riding in convertibles and Irish families walking in a pack waving flags.
No thank you.
The last time I was at a parade, I came home with COVID.
But this was my first year at your celebration, so I gave it a go.
Here are the highlights:
Afterward, it was time for lunch.
Then I went home to hang out with my own personal alien.
I have no idea what you real extraterrestrial beings think about all this. We must seem very primitive. There’s plenty of evidence for that.
I hope you are amused.
Now could you give me my condo keys back?
Thanks and Nanu Nanu,
Beth
*Yeah, those guys.
Posted in Music, tagged Beer and wine, Complaints, Customer service, Kids, Music, Oregon, Out of the house, Rage, Students on May 12, 2024| 3 Comments »
Dear Drunk Students From Last Night:
I hope your hangover is not too bad. Perhaps you are still mad at me, but I’m betting you forgot our entire interaction.
I’m sorry I had to be the bad guy.
My volunteer job at the concert’s beer garden required me to enforce just three rules:
I stopped one of you from violating No. 2 and had this exchange:
Me: Sorry, you can’t leave this area with those [gesturing to his two cups of beer].
Him: Am I supposed to chug them?
Me: I’m not recommending that, but you can.
Him: But I want to go hear the music.
Me: Great! You can do that right here.
Another one of you tried to be slick by putting the cup close to your body and walking out while turned away from me.
Listen, girl: I was young once too. I know ALL the tricks.
Rule No. 3 was — by far — the one that caused you the most dismay.
To be fair, the setup wasn’t great. There should have been a fence for the fence.
But policing that line with you was rough.
Beer makes some of you very bad-tempered. I almost had to call security. (That would have meant breaking up the officers’ coffee klatch though.)
Luckily, only a handful of you acted the fool. Most of you were well behaved.
Also, I was thrilled that the beer ran out quickly, and I was relieved of my duties.
Y’all seemed to have a great time overall and enjoyed the concert. That’s good.
I did NOT have the greatest time, but that’s ok. I performed a necessary service by reducing liability.
Take some Tylenol. Drink water. Eat a bagel. You’ll be fine.
Maybe I’ll see you next year!
Beth
*Billy Currington, who had his own substance issues.
Posted in Music, tagged 1980s, Adam Ant, Advice, Aging, Crushes, Music, Obsessions, Oregon, Out of the house, Outfits, Pop Music, The Brits on May 4, 2024| Leave a Comment »
Dear Adam,
I know we broke up in September 2019. I moved on.
I never forgot you, though.
When I heard you would be traveling through Salem, I decided to go see you for old times’ sake.
Our relationship has had its ups (2013) and downs (2012 and 2019)
I see you haven’t changed at all in the past five years.
I mean AT ALL. You might not have even been out of those clothes in all this time. I have no idea.
You’re even still wearing that stupid hat. Whyyyy?!
And you are peddling all the same merch. With new tour dates, sure.
There is one new thing about you:
Your voice sounds great, and you’ve remained trim.
But I don’t understand the little stage hops. You moved like your pants were too tight.
I know you are almost 70. I understand that you are not in your prime.
But this is your only job. And many fans are still paying to see you perform.
You have no kicks to give.
Frankly, I’m concerned. Your eyes looked dead.
When you were introducing the band, you paused for so long, I thought about calling 911.
Were you smelling burnt toast?
Seriously, I am worried about you.
Take some time off. Regroup. See your barber (and a stylist). Maybe consider retirement. You’ve worked hard. You’ve given the world some great music. Fans appreciate you. Don’t repay their loyalty by dying on stage in front of them.
Love always,
Beth
* The dandy highwayman himself
Observe and report 