Posts Tagged ‘Sports’

Dear Goat Yoga Lisa:

Thanks for being my first non-family visitor to test out the guest room! I’m glad it was during the ramp-up to Mardi Gras, but sorry there was still snow and ice all over. (Especially sorry for the Missouri drivers and the shards of ice flying off their cars.)

Having you in town was a great excuse to visit the Gateway Arch — the iconic monument I hadn’t explored since moving here.

Tiny Terror that you are, we had to explore my neighborhood bar too.

And also my neighbor’s ice-cream shop.

And Taste of Soulard — my neighborhood’s neighbor.

I enjoyed meeting your cousin Claire!

That’s where we saw interesting people like this guy.

I wonder if he knows that portable Bluetooth speakers exist.

And a goat who is the GOAT.

And racing weiners.

I promise a more comfortable sleeper sofa the next time you visit. And that I will have become a regular, “Cheers” style at the local bar.

Love and kisses!

Your fren,

P.S. Thanks for the hostess gift. I wouldn’t call me “sweet” by any stretch of the imagination, but I appreciate it.

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Dear Coach S.,

I am sure you are a lovely person. I appreciate your commitment to football. I am impressed by your communication skills.


I am not as committed to football as you are. I never wanted to be a sports mom. But now that I am one, I want to remind you that my son is in school to get an education.

Practices five afternoons a week and three mornings is a bit much, don’t you think?

You don’t?


Have you seen No. 27’s grades? Granted, they were on the downhill slide before football entered the picture.

But now he’s really got an excuse to be behind.

And for what? So he can stand around for a few hours on a Friday night?

Yes, yes, I know. He needs to learn. To pay his dues. To wait his turn.

I guess it will help him learn teamwork and time-management skills.

And there are worse places than a stadium to be on a pleasant Friday night.

And our team is winning.



See you next game.

Dominic’s mom

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Dear Dominic,

Thank you for sharing with me the link to the car you want.

I regret to inform you that we are not going to get you a car at this time.

There are three very good reasons for this decision:

  1. You do not yet have your license. You only have a permit until September.
  2. You haven’t saved up enough money.
  3. You are failing four out of seven classes.

Also, a MUSTANG? As a teenaged boy? A teenaged boy with terrible grades? You will not be able to afford the insurance. We will not be able to afford the insurance.

You said you wanted a car to be able to drive yourself to football practice, thus making it easier for us.

Thank you for your concern.

What I can offer you is my bus pass. The No. 25 goes right to your school.



*Thanks, Tracy Chapman. (Now try to get that song out of your head.)

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Dear Judith,

Thank you for being my new Biddy BFF. I missed everyone so very much during the Lockdown Times.

I kept checking to see if the Boot Camp was up and running, but had no luck. But then one day, I got this message from Eddie:

I was OVERJOYED. I immediately checked all over the Y website, and finally found the classes listed.

The next day, I hauled my (slightly heftier) carcass back to the pool.

Me to Sandra, the M/W instructor: I was so excited these classes started up again.
Sandra to me: We’ve been back since July!
Me: Oh.

I realized I was a victim of poor website design.

Still, I’m back, and meeting new people like you!

I know I’m in for a few laughs when I see you. Here are some things you said just this week that made me cackle:

Sandra, on the edge of the pool: It’s hard to do this exercise from up here.
You: It’s even harder in here.

Sandra: Alright, switch it up. Cross country forward.
You: I only go backward.

You to me when I was drinking my water: That’s vodka isn’t it? I don’t know why you won’t share.

I never have any trouble getting out of bed to go to the gym. It’s not only because it’s good for me, and I feel great afterward, but because of you.

You are the best!

See you Thursday!



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Dear Dominic,

Today you are 15. You were supposed to be born Dec. 13, but you couldn’t wait to get out into the world.

I knew you were coming early, especially as right around Thanksgiving would be a supremely bad time for you to come. Your father and Terri, my backup push coach, would both be out of town. (Remember, your dad was coaching basketball at the time.)

The doctor examined me at the beginning of Thanksgiving week, and said you weren’t coming.

But I knew better: Any child of mine would do things his own way.

So when I was doubled over in Target the day after Thanksgiving, I knew.

When my pain got unbearable, I called in BABY COMING to the TV station, and checked myself into the hospital.

The attending doctor told me to suck it up. That you weren’t coming. And to go home.

I basically told that asshat to shove it. I refused to leave. I told him to call my doctor, put a fetal monitor on me, do an exam — whatever he needed to do to be convinced.

(Thinking, “Just come closer so I can show you what pain is like.”)

Saturday morning, my doctor arrived, and checked me out.

Oh! You’re about to have this baby!

Yeah. No shit.

I called your father back from wherever he was. (Randy, thank you for driving him back.)

I called in your aunt to be backup for Terri.

After a failed epidural and, thus, incredible pain and gnashing of teeth, you arrived.

There has been a different kind of pain and gnashing of teeth as you navigate puberty.

But you’ve been mostly great lately.

When I was out of town last weekend, I couldn’t believe it was YOU texting me this:

Though the lack of punctuation and capitalization drives me batshit crazy, I do appreciate the sentiment.

And I loved laughing with you last night at Donkey’s mange line in “Shrek Forever After.”

Have we come out the other side?

That would be great.

And thanks for making me giggle this morning when you came out with the stick you call your “thotslayer” to keep me from spanking you for your birthday.

Happy birthday to my smart smartass. I do love you.

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Like this, but not as hairy

Elusive creature spotted at community park
From Staff Reports*

BROOKHAVEN, Ga. — A group that claims to track the mythic beast known as “Teenager” through the streets of Atlanta says they finally spotted the creature over the weekend in Dekalb County.

According to the group, the sighting occurred around 3 p.m. Saturday afternoon at Murphey Candler Park.

A woman named Beth said the creature made its presence known after she and fellow group members set up iPhones preloaded with Fortnite at various locations in an apparent attempt to lure the Teenager in.

“The angle of the sun was shining straight down on the seats on the Major Field and something big stepped into view,” Beth said. “I lifted my sunglasses to see better, and I saw a large bipedal animal covered in peach fuzz and ill-fitting clothes. It took one step into the stands, (then) I took off running toward it.”

The woman said that she and fellow Teenager trackers proceeded to follow what they claim was a large creature marginally recognized by modern science around the field to the concession stand.

“Its face was barely washed with no hair on it,” she said. “Its hands and feet were enormous. It was wearing clothes that looked way too big, but that is apparently the style among these creatures.”

Though not social, the creature did take extreme interest in the iPhone and was willing to sit near humans in the stands of the Major Field for moments at a time. Though it did not speak, the beast did grunt occasionally in response to stimuli.

*Credit/apologies to Travis Hall and Blue Ridge Outdoors for the words I liberally changed.

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Dear Fellow Thrashers**:

Y’all are the best. I joined the volleyball league to meet new people and have fun, and it’s working!

Last night was a little heartbreaking — good volleys but we couldn’t pull through in the clutch.

And right now I hear my other friends gasping in shock. Yes, believe it: I joined a volleyball league. (Waves hands in front of the faces of the passed out; shouts, “Give them some room!”)

Yeah, I know I’m not the sporty one in the family. I’m not particularly coordinated. I’m usually on the sidelines (unless flag football is involved, and then I’m a she devil [Right Chris and Linda?]).

But last night, two out of my three immediate family members came to watch me play. And I had the night of my life.

We still lost all three matches, but it was close, and I don’t care.

I turned as red as Will Ferrell as Lucifer.

I happily iced my arm.

Yes, that is an ice pack shaped like a cherry Life Saver. It fits perfectly on the painful spot on my wrist.

I wore the last bruise like a badge of honor.

Sexy, I know.

And I’m happy. So thanks. Love you all!

See you next week,

* Thank God for Thursdays

** AKA “Trashers” (We did not pick the name.)

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A rant about rants

I’m a little out of my element with this post, but clearly I’m moved enough to write.

University of New Mexico soccer player Elizabeth Lambert was suspended indefinitely for her unsportsmanlike conduct in a semifinal game against Brigham Young University.

Before Friday morning, I had never heard of this person. Today, I can’t think of anything else. Thanks, ESPN.

What was missing from the coverage Friday morning was the coach’s reaction and the college’s reaction. That response finally came Friday afternoon. As expected, Lambert apologized, and claimed, all Serena Williams-style, that she lost control in a heated moment. The full apology is posted on the college’s Web site, but here is one part:

This is in no way indicative of my character or the soccer player that I am.

Hmmm. This is the player whom the media guide praises for being “fearless when making a challenge.” The player whom head coach Kit Vela calls “fiery” on Lobo TV.

I think they liked her attitude and encouraged it. That’s the sports culture. Win at all costs. Here is a highlight reel of her actions in the BYU game.

UNM Vice President for Athletics Paul Krebs said, “There is no way to defend her actions.” But I’m willing to bet she’ll be back at it again when the spotlight is off and she is back on the field.

And that brings up a larger question of what has she learned. What has anyone learned? This kind of stuff happens all the time. It is our culture of rage where the angry cross some line (finally), apologize (sincerely or not), and then continue with their healthy careers. John McEnroe, Barry Bonds, Rasheed Wallace, Tony Stewart … the list goes on and on.

Inappropriate behavior, apology, more inappropriate behavior. Lather, rinse, repeat. It makes my head hurt.

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