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Posts Tagged ‘Peeves’

Rejecting the rejector

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on October 19, 2010| 2 Comments »

My fat took the letter well, and seems to be going away quietly. At least according to the YMCA scale, which reveals that there’s five pounds less of me.

Yay.

The miracle of eating heathfully and exercising more. What a novel concept!

Since I began my exercise class extravaganza, I’ve also invested in more appropriate outfits to replace my T-shirts and sweats.

My taste runs more along the lines of this:

Rebecca Romijn, appropriately clothed

rather than this:

Kim Kardashian. Oh HELL no.

And you will NEVER catch me dressed like this, even if I manage to lose every single ounce of fat:

Jamie Lee Curtis in "Perfect," wearing an outfit looking not-so-perfect in the glow of 2010

Struggling through the torture of “Awesome Abs” today also helped tamp down a minor disappointment: McSweeney’s* did not like my open letter as much as my friends did.

 

Oh well. Rejection is nothing new for a writer.

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
~Samuel Beckett
Or, alternatively,
I discovered that rejections are not altogether a bad thing. They teach a writer to rely on his own judgment and to say in his heart of hearts, ‘To hell with you.’ ~Saul Bellow

 

* A friend suggested I submit it for their “Open letters to people or entities who are unlikely to respond” section.


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Error extravaganza

Posted in Grammar, etc., tagged , , , on October 16, 2010| 5 Comments »

My friends have been blowing up my inbox with examples of errors in the wild. My favorite is this one from Cheryl and Steph:

They’ll eat anything in Hartsville, S.C., apparently.

Heidi, Elizabeth and Rachel sent this one:

It is a cornucopia of apostrophe and quotation mark misuse.

Finally, Charlotte (an always-reliable source of fodder for this blog) sent this image. “This on our ‘heterosexual’ luggage tags,” she wrote.

The company is more progressive than most of the country. I should celebrate all progress, I guess.

Thank you all, and keep ’em coming!

 

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An open letter to my fat

Posted in Random, tagged , on October 13, 2010| Leave a Comment »

Dear Body Fat:

We’ve been inseparable for years, ever since we started hanging out while I was pregnant with my first child. I must admit that I did not like you at first, but you grew on me. Soon we started doing everything together: clothes shopping, sitting on the couch watching TV, and eating. It seems our relationship really revolves around meals, doesn’t it? Meals, and the Beer of the Month Club membership, of course.

I know you may not want to hear this, but it is time for me to move on. I think you began to suspect as much when I started writing down the substance of the meals we shared. I know you had hope for our relationship during Trish’s birthday weekend. I’m sorry if the beer, butterbeer, margaritas and mixed drinks gave you the wrong impression. It was my way of celebrating the choice to say goodbye to you.

You may have thought Zumba was a passing phase. And why wouldn’t you? You know me so well, and know that I loathe group exercise situations. But that should really prove to you that I am done with you for good. If Zumba didn’t raise a red flag, then I know the MVE Pilates class did. I felt you quaking during that class, and I’m sure it was from fear.

I’m sorry, but our relationship really is over. I’m ready to meet up again with dress sizes I haven’t seen in years. I’m ready to feel happy about photo opportunities. I’m ready to breathe evenly after climbing a flight of stairs.

I wish you all the best, and I’m sure you will find someone new who will love you more that I ever did.

Sincerely,
Beth

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Parenting 101

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , on October 11, 2010| 7 Comments »

Perhaps I’m too strict. Or perhaps I had kids late enough in life that I remember that people without kids don’t usually like to be bothered by kids. And sometimes even people with kids don’t like to be bothered by kids.

Eddie and I do not let our children run amok in restaurants. We refuse to be that family with the ring of detritus around the dinner table. I don’t need extra napkins because my children WILL NOT make a mess.

Yes, maybe I’m too strict. Or maybe I’m considerate.

I certainly would not allow Dominic and Gideon to amuse themselves by turning deck lights at Tubby’s Tank House off and on, off and on, etc. The mother of young Artemis and Arcadian (yes, those were their unfortunate names) had no such qualms.

My friend Pam and I were trying to have a nice quiet evening. Thank you, idiot mother, for ruining that plan. It will not scar your children for life for you to tell them to “cut that out right now.” You can correct them. That’s your job. Artemis and Arcadian will have plenty of friends in their lives (well, maybe). They only have one mother. Show them how to act!

And if you are unable to make them behave in public, stay home.

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The Case of the Cranky Cottonhead

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on October 8, 2010| 4 Comments »

I finally had a Friday off and I spent most of it going to two more group exercise classes: Pilates and Line Dancing. (In case you are counting, that makes five group sessions this week. Five!)

To me, Pilates is what we used to call “calisthenics” back in the ’80s. We weren’t all fancy then. All we had was Jane Fonda and her legwarmers.

Now there are balls, mats, elastic bands, weights, etc. At this class, there was also a sweaty, inflexible man next to me who grunted as he exhaled. Jane never grunted. I don’t think she ever sweated either.

By the time my abs were screaming a sound only dogs could hear, it was time for the next class. Even though it’s supposedly geared toward seniors, I was excited about line dancing. I still mourn the death of Stetsons on Mall Boulevard, which is where, many years ago, I two-stepped my little heart out a couple of times a week.

The class consisted of the instructor, me and two other ladies. I had what I never want in a group exercise session: individual attention. And I was the youngest by at least 20 years.

Subtract two, add me, and that's the class.

At least I didn’t complain. Eleanor complained. Loudly. About a variety of things. Some elderly ladies seem sweet and kind, like Betty White. Eleanor was like Betty White’s older, bitter, spinster sister.

I shouldn’t judge, though. At least she was there and trying to stay active. Rock on, cranky cottonhead!

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Goldilocks and the evil chair

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , on October 5, 2010| 4 Comments »

Working my way through the YMCA group class schedule makes me feel like a certain girl who has a fondness for bears (and breaking and entering).

Stacie’s Zumba class was too fast.
Bobbi’s Zumba class was too slow (and filled with snotty women).
Ellen’s MVE Pilates class may be just right.

I’ll still go to the Zumba classes — snotty be damned — but I may go more often to MVE Pilates. MVE stands for “maximum versatility exercise” and there is a torture device involved: a special chair for all kinds of acrobatic work.

I did this maneuver, but with much less grace.

Oh HELL no.

























After 15 minutes of Cirque du Soleil, I was questioning my sanity. After 30 minutes of trying various “poses,” including the especially heinous one that is pictured second from the right in the collage below, I had sweat dripping off my nose. My nose! And my nose was running too!

But the instructor and other victims were very nice and helpful, and I feel like I got a great workout. And I didn’t die. So I’ll be back.

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The devil and the dancing hippo

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , on September 29, 2010| 3 Comments »

Zumba is the devil. Zumba kicked my ass. Kicked. My. Ass.

For those of you who don’t know, Zumba is like Broadway choreography set to Latin music. Here’s an “official” definition.

Maybe the moves are “easy to follow” for the other 99.9 percent of the population, but I couldn’t even make the drill team in high school. And they didn’t have a full squad even after I tried out, if that tells you something.

Thankfully, this fellow was not my instructor.

I felt like a “Fantasia” hippo thrown in with the Rockettes.

Me

Them


















I’m not completely inept, it just takes me a while to learn choreography. Once I learn it, I won’t forget. But it is hard to learn when your life is flashing before your eyes.

There were weights involved also. And mats. And Desperate Housewives in cute workout clothes. I’m so glad my friend Keisha was there for a reality check. And to make sure I was breathing.

See the guy in the back? Kindred spirit.

I’m proud to say I made it through without blacking out. My face was Pantone 187, though.

It is the color I imagine Hell to be. Zumba, I’ll see you in Hell on Monday!

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Spellapalooza!

Posted in Grammar, etc., tagged , , , , on September 22, 2010| 4 Comments »

It’s been a tough week for the South Bend public school system.

But that means it’s been a good week for me, the person who makes fun of errors in the wild.

Friends and students have shared plenty of tidbits from their travels over the past couple of weeks.

Royce found a new kind of crab:

Charlotte found pudding cake, but is still looking for a missing “r.”

And Austin found a sign for the grammar category. I guess I should be happy it is not spelled “yore.”

Sigh. Is it really that hard?

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Giving a rat’s ass

Posted in Grammar, etc., tagged , , , on September 2, 2010| 2 Comments »

Why are apostrophes so difficult for some people? Either something is possessing something or it isn’t. If it isn’t, then it just needs an “s.”

The person who writes the promotional materials for Monkey Joe’s needs a refresher course in the rules.

Let’s take a closer look:

What is that apostrophe doing there when “fundraisers” should be  a simple plural word? I’ll tell you what: making the person seem dumb.

And since I’m on the subject of appearing to be dumb, let’s talk about this phrase:

I could care less.

If you really could care less than you do, then that is correct. However, people usually use it to mean, “I don’t give a rat’s ass.” In that case, the correct phrase is:

I couldn’t care less.

And that means the speaker really doesn’t care at all.

If you use the wrong phrase,  you seem dumb to people like me who care about proper usage. And then I couldn’t care less about you.

Harsh? Maybe. Truthful? Yes.

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Lock up the pork belly!

Posted in Grammar, etc., tagged , , , on August 31, 2010| 1 Comment »

Apparently, when my friends, family and students see errors in the wild, they think of me. That makes my heart swell. Maybe someday I’ll get a book deal out of my passion for correcting other people. (Or maybe I’ll just get a punch in the eye …)

Anyway, it has been a good week for adding to my collection. My friend Chad sent this bit of loveliness:

It was in the Savannah Morning News, of course, but what is worse than that is that it is an AP story. So it made it through the AP editors AND the ones at the SMN.

But writing student Elizabeth sent me one that topped that by a long shot! Pan down to the bottom to enjoy this little slice of heaven:

According to Elizabeth, her mom ripped this page out of the menu. It is probably a good thing for the restaurant. You wouldn’t want to advertise that you have a victimized rabbit.

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