I thought you were in the business of helping people. Immediately. I mean, IT’S IN THE TITLE of the place.
So when Gideon was attacked by a can of diced tomatoes, we naturally thought of you.
It was deep.
We showed up moments after the attack.
You said there were two other lacerations ahead of us, and that you wouldn’t be able to get to him before closing time.
IN TWO HOURS.
What the eff? For real?!
I don’t understand.
So we went to Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta Urgent Care. They sent us to the emergency room because the gash was three centimeters long — the cutoff for urgent care treatment, apparently.
The ER doctor rolled his eyes when he heard about our adventure. He said:
Just come here first. Don’t even bother with those urgent care places.
You KNOW I love a guest post. Today’s comes from a friend from my performing arts days. I know you are going to love it. And ladies, I know many of you will commiserate.
I’ll be back Sunday witha rage post. 🙂
Love, Beth
Image stolen from this site. It has loads of tightening tips!
Dear Makeup Guru Friends:
Do any of you have advice for hooded eyelids? I’m not talking about what makeup influencers consider hooded eyelids.
I’m talking about 40-year-old, wrinkly, swamp witch eyelids on a solid decline to medically necessary blepharoplasty.
Even when I cake the eye makeup on, it just disappears as soon as I open my eyes.
Will false eyelashes help, or will my lids just move them around until I have a unibrow?
Do I just need to Botox my eyebrows two inches higher to stretch everything out?
And don’t go giving me the “Don’t rub your eyes when cleaning; just tap, tap, tap the eye cream on” advice either. That advice is for 20 year olds and gals with eyelids like SharonSaysSo. These droopy dogs are 100 percent genetic. No amount of gentle touching is going to save these turkey gizzards.
Asking mostly for my right eye, but ol’ lefty isn’t too far behind.
What I’m really asking is this: When I’m 45 and am using binder clips glued to my glasses to keep these monstrosities in place, will you guys still love me?
I’ve created a handy chart for you to help in your decision making.
Look. Listen. We all had to get vaccinated to start school. What is the sudden problem? And you don’t want to show proof? We’ve all had to show proof of vaccinations our whole lives for school. It’s a public safety issue.
We also have had to show proof of identity when flying. And driving. And returning to the country. And voting in many places. (Hey, Georgia!)
So what’s the big deal with vaccine passports? We’ve had vaccine records for years!
We already have government mandates for safety (OSHA, seat belts, helmets, speed limits, etc.).
But some of those things only protect the individual, while others protect, well, others.
Vaccines protect you and others. Many diseases are gone because of vaccines.
Please get yours so we can all get back to normal. And so, you know, you won’t DIE.
You are complete bastards. I went out of town for TWO DAYS, and my beloved tomato plant went from this:
To this:
I didn’t even know why until I got close.
Hornworm.
I had never even heard of you. And then I had to Google how to get rid of you.
As per instructions, I plucked you off my plant and yeeted you into the sun. (Plucking was advised. Yeeting was not. Directions suggested killing you in soapy water.)
Look at this complete asshole. His name is Adolph.
I will be vigilant against your return, but I don’t know if my plant will rebound.
Gideon and I look happy. Of course, I took this just as we arrived. Ignorance is bliss.
Dear Six Flags Management:
My son and I visited Six Flags Over Georgia yesterday. A Saturday in June. We must have been high to think that was a good idea.
You can’t do anything about the sun or the heat, but you CAN do loads about the rest of the experience.
My complaints fall into three categories: customer service, your app and basic human needs.
1. Customer service
You have none. Not a single person working there wanted to work there. That was clear. And some who were “working” were not.
Case in point: Macho Nacho.
We went into the restaurant at 1:14 p.m. — prime lunch time. Though there are two sides, only one side was open — despite the fact that there was food out and ready to go on the unmanned side AND you clearly had the staff on hand.
A few minutes later, four employees came in with Icees and stood around watching the others work.
It was at this point that I went partial Karen and emailed guest relations.
Meanwhile, my son faded into oblivion.
One other thing: If you are going to advertise that you have guacamole, please have guacamole.
2. The Six Flags app
As I am a diamond member, you send me surveys all the time. You always ask about the app. I always tell you it sucks.
Why? It’s useless. It doesn’t provide any information you can’t get inside the park all over the place.
You know what makes a theme park app useful? Ride wait times. Every other theme park app has them.
Not yours.
Plus, you have to have cell service to use the app. Service in your park is nonexistent. And your WiFi?
Right.
One of the incentives to use the app is the chance to earn points with checkins. (What these points go toward is a mystery, but whatever.)
Great, right? Haha! No.
“Too far away?!” I’m IN THE LINE.
3. Basic human needs
People need food, clothing and shelter.
I would argue that you deprived us of the first for longer than necessary (see Complaint No. 1).
No. 2 is not applicable here. I live in the South. I know how to dress for a day at the theme park.
No. 3, though, is applicable when it comes to the rides. There is no reason you can’t have canopies over the lines for the rides.
We wanted to go on the Goliath, but the wait time appeared to be an hour in the broiling sun.
I would argue that hand sanitizer is now a basic human need. Why have sanitizing stations when you don’t fill them regularly? We tried five before we found one with fluid.
Also bathrooms need to be stocked with toilet paper. I can’t believe I have to tell you that.
After one ride and lunch, we were ready to leave.
Gideon: I’ve had enough for today. Let’s go and come back on a weekday or some night. Me: Good plan.
Please don’t send me an after-visit survey unless you really are planning to implement changes.
I need you to calm the F down right now. I’m not sure why you feel the need to clamor for my attention, but perioral dermatitis is not a good look for me.
I guess I should be happy I can hide it behind a mask right now.
But I’ve been dealing with you on and off for three years.
These are all the options I’ve had over the past three years to fix you.
The latest dermatologist said that this flare up was NOT due to my nickel allergy, but to the ointment the prior dermatologist told me to use.
She was horrified when I told her I was using it twice a day every time the rash popped up again. As instructed.
Fantastic.
I’m on a new antibiotic and have a new cream to get you to settle. But she said you would get much worse before you got better.
She was right.
I can’t even wear makeup right now. #nofilter Clearly.
Observe and report 