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Posts Tagged ‘Rage’

This Easter morning blows

Posted in Random, Religion (or lack thereof), tagged , , , on March 31, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Leaf blower jerk

Dear Jackass with a Leaf Blower:

I’m sure you thought you were being efficient by clearing the way for Easter sunrise service attendees.

Sunrise means dawn, though. And the beach is a popular vacation spot. People on vacation like to sleep. Often, they choose the beach so that they can be lulled by the gentle sound of the ocean.
Leaf blowers are not a gentle sound. At 5:19 a.m., they are not a welcome addition to a beach vacation.

What were you blowing, anyway? Tybee isn’t exactly New England in the fall, sporting a lush carpet of leaves.

Were you blowing sand? Why? People coming to a sunrise service at the pier have to accept a little sand. It is the beach, for crying out loud.

If I see you again, I’m going to use your leaf blower for another purpose. (Let me give you a hint: Your next colonoscopy will be easy breezy.)

I want you and your obnoxious friends — you know, the car alarm, barking dog and loud, drunk girl — to get off the island.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Beth
Tybee

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Parenting 101, redux

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on February 28, 2013| 1 Comment »

Dear WordPress:

I’m super annoyed at the fact that you decided to delete one of my posts. Here’s evidence that I actually posted something Feb. 22:

Screen shot 2013-02-28 at 2.43.22 PM

Were you trying to protect the woman I was complaining about, or did you simply make a big fat mistake?

To recap, I was irritated with the woman whose children have music lessons the same day as mine. Her child is a complete brat, but I believe he behaves that way because she allows it. A friend of mine pointed out that it could be that her son has developmental delays or learning challenges. I did consider that, and maybe he does. However, I’ve been observing his behavior and hers for more than three months now and I’m convinced that she is causing the problem or exacerbating an existing problem.

Here’s some evidence:

  • She is more interested in talking loudly on her cell phone than paying attention to him and what he is doing.
  • She makes very little effort to interact with him or redirect him in any way.
  • Instead of being specific about what she wants him to do (ie. read instead of play an iPad game), she asks him over and over again if he wants to do it. What kid wouldn’t say, “No” to a question like that?

My point in the post was that she clearly needs help in the form of a therapist, nanny or more involved husband or partner. I wasn’t so much telling her how she needed to parent her son, just that I would like her to make sure her son is not a huge disruption in the music lesson waiting room.

Maybe it is a good thing you deleted the former post, because now I have new information to share.

The son’s behavior was out of control this week, yet she had the nerve to give us parenting advice. WTF?!?

Check this out (faces obscured to protect the guilty):

The offense

That’s the kid lying in the middle of the floor. On the right is a guy carrying a large something and he needs to get by. On the left is the mom not doing anything. Only after the guy struggled to get past did she say anything.

The mom: Can you sit up in the chair?

The kid: NO!

In fact, he moved himself more into the center of the room. Then she stepped over him and LEFT THE ROOM to talk on her cell phone!

Later, she overheard Eddie telling one of the instructors he was sorry Gideon hadn’t practiced as much as usual. She piped up with this beauty:

Here’s what I do with my children: I offer a reward every time they practice their instruments.

Seriously, Woman? You feel you are in a position to offer any parenting advice at all? Notice my child in the photo above. See how he is sitting quietly, looking on in amazement at what the your kid is doing?

Now I do have some advice for you: STFU.

As for you, WordPress, don’t you dare delete this post!

Sincerely,
Beth

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The Case of Chester the (Alleged) Molester

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on January 29, 2013| 3 Comments »

jury-duty

Dear Defendant in Court Today:

You have the right to be presumed “innocent until proven guilty.” You may indeed be innocent. It’s entirely possible.

But you do not want me on your jury.

As soon as I heard the first charge against you — child molestation — I mentally declared you a creep and a criminal. I’ll bet other potential jurors thought the same thing.

But no one said a word when the district attorney asked if anyone would have difficulty maintaining an open mind. Perhaps it was the fear of piping up in a deathly quiet courtroom full of people.

The D.A. revealed more details of the case and I remembered news coverage. When he asked if anyone remembered this coverage, I stood up.

When he asked if I could remain impartial, I said I’d try.

Your attorney asked the same question, then wanted me to elaborate. I had to be honest. You’ll remember that I said, “I have two kids. My husband and I always talk about the fact that if someone did something to those kids, we’d be in court ourselves.” Of course I meant jail first for attacking the attacker.

Was I really the only one who felt this way? Your attorney seemed shocked.

Sorry, dude. You have the right to an impartial jury. Yet, I had already beaten you to a pulp in my mind.

Your attorney was wise to excuse me.

Hoping for justice in whatever form that takes,
Beth

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Happy new year!

Posted in Random, tagged , , on January 2, 2013| 6 Comments »

Dear 2013:

Welcome! I am happy to see you. Your predecessor, 2012, was a tough character in some respects.

Although I am pleased you are here, I’m a little worried about your plans for me. The first day I spent with you was not one I’d like to repeat. The day started out great in the North Georgia mountains hanging out with good friends, but ended in a roadside ditch (well, nearly).

Let’s recap:

  • Humming noise manifests in the back of Eddie’s truck, and it is not one of the kids
  • Commence prayers to the vehicle gods (“Please let us make it home and we’ll take it to get it fixed immediately.”)
  • Prayers unanswered, and we receive vehicle god smack-down in the form of a clunking noise, a huge thud, and then black smoke billowing from the back end
  • Stuck 20 miles north of the thriving metropolis of Macon, Georgia
  • Call to Firestone roadside assistance that took two hours to finally fetch a tow truck (Idiot service woman on phone: “What is your zip code there?” Eddie: “Where? Here on the side of the road?”)
  • Car repair and car rental places closed for holiday
  • Tow truck arrives but refuses to transport children
  • Call to Middle Georgia Taxi to get transportation to a hotel in Macon
  • Taxi arrives in the form of Lester in a 100-year-old grandpa car
  • One week’s worth of luggage, snacks, a cooler, etc. loaded and taken to hotel
  • Dinner at Cracker Barrel (yay!)
  • Call from Firestone this morning revealing that the entire back end has to be replaced at a cost of more than $2,000 (yay.)

So 2013, I really hope that this is not indicative of our next 364 days together. I’d like joy, peace, health, and more money in my savings account than I ended with last year. If you could make that happen, then I’ll forgive your behavior on Day 1.

Thanks, and I’m looking forward to spending a great year together!

Love,
Beth

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I prefer the term “Renaissance Woman”

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , , , , on December 24, 2012| 1 Comment »

Dear Dr. G:

Hello, and I hope you are doing well since I last saw you at AEJMC. I’ve been thinking about you lately for a strange reason.

You once called me a dilettante, which made me mad at the time. It wasn’t really accurate for the situation (as I recall, you were upset with me because you wanted me to focus solely on my doctoral work, but I wanted to keep my full-time job, you know, so I could eat and have shelter).

La dilettante

I know your heart was in the right place, and that you were, in your own way, showing confidence in my ability to do scholarly research full time.

Though it may seem like I am a dabbler, it’s not that at all. It’s the opposite, actually. I throw myself into something fully, learn as much as I can, then I move on to something else. More short attention span than dilettante.

sorry-attention-span-length-apology-ecard-someecards

That’s why I have five degrees (yes, five). It is also why my résumé looks like the life of eight different people.

If I could, I’d have more jobs (in addition to the one I have now, which I love). Some of these jobs include:

  • Flight attendant (A waitress in the sky? Yes!)
  • Travel writer
  • Tour guide for some exotic location
  • Cruise ship social director or bartender  (like Julie or Isaac from The Love Boat)
  • Personal chef (Wait … I think I already am.)
  • Character actress (like Rebel Wilson)
  • Personal assistant to someone nearly crazy (Think of the stories I could tell!)
  • NBC page (that’s one of those unfulfilled college ideas)
  • Beta tester for games
  • Game show host
  • Full-time employee at my university’s study-abroad campus in France (!)
  • Owner of a craft brewery
  • PR executive for Disney
  • Train conductor
  • State senator

Maybe Santa can bring me new names for my contact list to help me accomplish my goals.

So yes, I am interested in many things. Dilettante? No. Focused? Yes, for periods of time. Game show host? I can only hope. Thanks for helping me in one of my pursuits.

Anyway, happy holidays, and I look forward to seeing you in Washington, D.C.

Sincerely,
Beth, Aspirational Polymath

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Back to the kitchen? I think not.

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , on November 29, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Dear Suzanne Venker,

I read your recent editorial, “The war on men,” on Foxnews.com (not my usual source for news or opinion, but my friend Travis knew I would appreciate your piece). Fox did not enable comments, so I have to share my thoughts here.

I have to hand it to you: You are a good writer. Persuasive, even. I can almost see readers’ heads nodding as you make the ludicrous argument that the problem with men is women.

[Women have] been raised to think of men as the enemy. Armed with this new attitude, women pushed men off their pedestal (women had their own pedestal, but feminists convinced them otherwise) and climbed up to take what they were taught to believe was rightfully theirs.
You’re kidding, right? There’s so much wrong with that paragraph, I don’t know where to start. Let me paraphrase:
Women=nervy
Feminists=bad
Equality=wrong
Oh boy.
But wait, there’s more:

[The rise of women] has also undermined [men’s] ability to become self-sufficient in the hopes of someday supporting a family. Men want to love women, not compete with them.

So what you are saying is that men can’t be self-sufficient because those darn women are taking their jobs? (Hmmm … the fear of people taking jobs …  a strangely familiar talking point … )

 

And women “need men to pick up the slack at the office – in order to live the balanced life they seek.” If I were a man, I would be insulted. What you are insinuating is that men are only good at working. And of course, we women should get back in our binders, surrender to our nature – our “femininity,” as you put it. (Now where did I put that blasted apron?)
Men haven’t changed much – they had no revolution that demanded it – but women have changed dramatically.
Those poor, unevolved men. Such sad little specimens looking for the 1950s again. Perhaps they should get with the program and realize that it is more fun to have a partnership than a dictatorship.

 

My Puerto Rican husband, operating with a full tank of genetically predisposed machismo, happily handles “women’s work” such as cooking, cleaning, sewing, laundry, putting the kids to bed, etc. (In fact, he is vacuuming right now.) He does these things (unasked) almost as often as I do. And we both work full-time. When we both handle tasks around the house, then we get done faster and have more time to spend together. Score!

 

But aren’t you being a little hypocritical? I mean, you are working after all. You are potentially taking writing jobs away from men. I mean, I guess it is OK because Dr. James Dobson and Dr. Laura Schlessinger say you’re awesome. But still.

 

I know you’ve carved out a little niche for yourself, but really you need to butt out. (“Shut up” seems too harsh. Plus, I would never want to stifle another woman as she climbs up to take what is rightfully hers.) The Ward Cleavers of the world will find their Junes. The Tony Micellis will find their Angela Bowers and the Mitchell Pritchetts will find their Cameron Tuckers. The Elyse and Stephen Keatons will find each other.

 

And if they don’t, then it’s no one’s fault but their own.

 

Happily married to an equal partner for 17 years,
Beth

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A post that doesn’t blow

Posted in Random, tagged , , , on October 23, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Dear Readers,
I am proud to present my very first guest post by none other than my BFF Royce, partner in crime for many adventures. (That’s him on the right below.) He fancies himself a writer too, and I think you’ll agree that he’s got talent. It took his wife Sarah (that’s her next to him) and me more than a week of badgering to get this out of him. It was worth the wait. Enjoy!
Beth

Dear (former) leaf blower,

I retired you yesterday. Several weeks ago, you decided you had worked enough and quit, right in the middle of a job. You just stopped. No two-weeks notice, no “thanks for the opportunity, boss” chat. Nothing. I tried to convince you to stick around: fresh gas, clean air filter, extended time off. Yesterday, when I needed you most, with the yard on the line, you failed me yet again. Gave up with hardly a gasp, no effort whatsoever.

You really only have one purpose for your entire existence, you know: You blow air. That’s it. You were conceived for no other reason than to blow shit around. It’s why I chose you out of all of the others that day not so long ago. You presented so well in your glossy, eye-catching box splashed with pleasing colors and images of manicured lawns and sidewalks. You made me want you and the impossibly well-kept yard you obviously had no role in creating.

Charlatan, I say!

In the hours since your departure, it’s become painfully obvious to me that your time here was too easy, too much like a vacation. Your work days were short and scattered throughout any given season, with as much as three months off for winter break. Summer was admittedly the busiest time of year but even then you were called in two, three times a month, at most. I treated you well enough, I think. Granted,  I didn’t bathe you weekly in warm, soapy water but you were treated with due care and respect. Arguably better than most, I would venture.

Rest assured I will not be making that mistake, again.

And no, I will not be a reference for you.

Regards,
Royce

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Musing on boobs

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , on September 23, 2012| 4 Comments »

Hello Blog!

It’s been 10 days since we’ve hung out together. That may be a record. I’m really sorry. I’ve been preoccupied. I’m worried about my cholesterol (high), boobs (strangely dense, according to the mammogram) and skin (suddenly rashy). Don’t even get me started on work, and the fact that I’m two months behind on a major project (sorry, Regine!).

So, what have you been doing? I see you’ve been hanging in there with a hundred or so views a day, mostly from people wanting to get a look at some parasites.

I’ll bet you’ve really been wanting to talk about Romney and his 47 percent comment. It’s tempting, but I just can’t get into any more arguments this week. It’s pointless. No one is going to change his/her mind at this point. And if people are still undecided, then they aren’t really paying attention and/or don’t care enough to understand the issues.

The two choices for president are Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. No one else has a chance. So Obama’s not perfect, but I like him better than Romney for a variety of reasons.

Ann Landers once said:

The true measure of an individual is how he treats a person who can do him absolutely no good.

The corollary to it is that you can tell plenty about someone by the way he treats the waitstaff. Or the family dog.

Yep. That about sums up Romney’s character, I think, and his feelings toward almost half of America. Yet many of the people in that group, like the elderly (Hi, Dad!), will still vote for him. He’s got no plan, no numbers, no compassion, no sense, no charisma, no conviction.

And I’m not even a Democrat!

Faced with no real alternative (WHY did they choose Romney?), I’ll choose the party of “We’re in this together” versus “You’re on your own.” Maybe 2016 will be different.

Wait a minute. I just I did my own kind of flip-flopping. I said I wasn’t going to talk about this. Sorry about that. It was just too tempting, I guess.

Suddenly I’m not as concerned with my high cholesterol, dense boobs and rashy skin. And that work project seems manageable.

Thanks, Blog! You know how to make a girl feel better.

See you in a couple of days!
Beth

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Stop the madness

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , on September 5, 2012| 4 Comments »

Dear People Running for Office and Your Fervent, Angry Supporters:

I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the venom spewing everywhere.

I know who I am voting for because I have examined carefully your platforms. I have evaluated what is important to me, and what will help me in my life and the lives of my friends and family.

Nasty ads are not going to make me change my mind. Snarky Facebook memes are not going to make me change my mind. Rage-filled comments telling me I am an idiot because I don’t support you are not going to make me change my mind. (In fact, those kinds of comments make me want to dig in my heels a little more.)

Of course, if someone wants to talk rationally WITH ME (not talk AT ME) about the different platforms, I’m all for it.

Perhaps you folks should do that.

The right and the left are not as far apart as screaming talk show hosts would like us to believe. Sadly, there’s no room for shades of gray in political rhetoric. (“50 Shades of Grey,” though, would be AWESOME!)

I’ve lost my will to correct people about their “facts.” I’ve lost the will to comment on an old college friends’ ridiculous slogan-filled status updates. I’ve really lost the will to use Facebook at all because I’m afraid of seeing more of the above. (I know I’ve posted my share of political things, but I’ve tried really hard not to be malicious. I’ve also tried to be fair if not balanced.)

We still have two months to go until the election. By now, I doubt there is a person left who has not made up his/her mind. So please can you just STFU?

I thank you, and my blood pressure thanks you.

Peace,
Beth

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Ignorance is this

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , , , , on August 21, 2012| 4 Comments »

Dear Certain Conservative White Male Politicians:

I know you are not in favor of sex ed in schools. It is clear you need some kind of education, though.

Let me explain reproduction to you in the terms similar to those I used for my son when he was four:

Boys and girls have different parts between their legs. When these parts come together, sometimes they can make a baby.

It doesn’t matter if these parts belong to people in the same family (incest), of different ages (statutory rape), or if the girl was not willing (rape).

And unlike EL James’ book, there aren’t 50 shades of grey when it comes to rape. Rape is rape. If one person doesn’t want to participate, it’s rape. There is no qualifier (like “legitimate”) before that word.

I cannot believe I have to explain this.

You sound like Johnny Nogerelli, Adrian Zmed’s character in “Grease 2“:

‎Can’t a girl just do that thing in a book where she adds up the dates of her uh — whaddayacallit — mentalstration?

No one likes to look like a complete idiot, so I’m going to help you out. Here is a link to a “How Stuff Works” exploration of reproduction. It even talks about contraception, so maybe you can share that with your buddy Rush. Please read at your leisure. You don’t even have to admit you read it. But if you do, it will save you future embarrassment.

Supporting the understanding and protection of lady bits,
Beth

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