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Posts Tagged ‘Rednecks’

Nothing says “watch” like the words “pus plug”

Posted in Random, tagged , on April 23, 2011| 9 Comments »

Some friends are staying with us this weekend and introduced us to “Web Soup,” an odd (inferior) mix of “Talk Soup” and “Tosh.0.”

I mention this because there was a video of someone squeezing a boil. (Shudder.)

Guess what that led to.

Yep, a ride on the YouTube highway to hell. (You know how I get.)

That’s how I found the nastiest video ever. (I had no idea people posted all of this kind of stuff. Ignorance was not necessarily bliss in this case.)

Warning: Do not watch if you have a weak stomach.

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You might be a redneck if …

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , on April 18, 2011| Leave a Comment »

… you have a portalet on the back of your pickup.

My neighbor might be a redneck.

I’m not sure if I am becoming one, or am one already, but I certainly live next to some.

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, here’s my take:

Your neighbor might be a redneck if …

  • He doesn’t own a shirt. (If my next-door neighbor has one, he never wears it.)
  • She drives to the mailbox.
  • You had to put up a taller fence to keep your neighbor from peeping over it to see what you were doing.
  • Her free-range terrier tried to kill your chicken. (Wait — that might make me a redneck too.)
  • She operates a beauty salon in her garage.
  • He has an RV in his back yard, and his kids live in it. (To be clear, they are grown.)
  • There has been a refrigerator box in his yard for three months.

Including the portalet, there are eight examples of redneckery afoot in my neighborhood. Yet I’m only talking about four different neighbors.

Redneck is as redneck does (apologies to Forrest Gump).

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Redneck roundup

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , on March 12, 2011| 4 Comments »

After Trish and I went to the Redneck Games last July, I knew I had to mark my calendar for the Claxton Rattlesnake Roundup. This marvelous event, held the second weekend in March, began in 1968 in an effort to reduce the rattlesnake population in the city. Now I think they have to truck in the snakes to round them up.

Sadly, Trish had to beg out to host a basketball tournament with the Savannah Storm. My friend Royce agreed to make the trek with me.

We got there early (9 a.m.) for the “3-D archery tournament.” It seemed promising, but the two of us made up 66.6 percent of the audience. The other spectator was an archer’s significant other, and I swear she was wearing pajama jeans.

While looking for the snake handling demonstrations, we ran across the entrance to the “birds of prey” area, which also doubled as home base for the gun raffle …

… and taxidermy expo.

We meandered outside and found the namesake snakes.

They were angry.

Around the corner, we spotted our first (and only) snake handler of the day. She was showing off a yellow rat snake.

Of course, we had to join in.

This is also where we spotted our first mullet. And what a glorious mullet it was (made even better by the Spiderman face paint).

We went back to the car to gather the energy (found in the cooler in my trunk) to continue. It was a good thing we did. We needed sustenance for the things we would see:

A coonskin cap

A coonskin snake

A many-skinned truck

A fish in a truck

Some knobbly butts

Rattlesnake queen

Stuffed acid-washed jeans

Stuffed coiled-up snake

Cantilevered waist

Human hamster balls

Massive overalls

A country fair is never complete without fried alligator and spiral potatoes.

That’s it. That’s all we could take. Royce is trying to talk me into going to the Warrior Dash. Maybe …

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Rednecks, Cheetos and Glenn Beck

Posted in Grammar, etc., tagged , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2011| Leave a Comment »

I love that WordPress lets me know how people find my blog via search engines. For example:

My posts about the annual Redneck Games, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, and rhetorical devices get the most visitors from search engines. Interesting.

I talked to Trish yesterday about following up our Redneck Games extravaganza with the annual Claxton Rattlesnake Roundup next month. She claimed she put it on her calendar. Hmmm. I suspect I’ll have to hound her into submission.

I’ve got nothing to say today about the Cheetos. I have a pantry packed with Flamin’ goodness.

I’m not sure I’ve got much left to say about rhetorical devices. And that’s a device right there. Aporia (“Uh-POHR-ee-uh”) is the act of expressing real or simulated doubt.

Another one comes to mind because some friends and I have been talking about the musical “Hair.” (It has been 10 years since we — yes, I was in it — performed it at SCAD.)

“Ain’t Got No” is an example of anaphora (“Uh-NAF-er-uh”) because each line begins with the same words.

Finally (for today), dialysis refers to weighing two arguments as a choice: either/or, this/not that, no/yes, etc. For example, I had a Twitter spat with some woman in Atlanta who objected to what I said about Glenn Beck:

 

So, according to nautilus55, EITHER I like Glenn Beck, OR I am a liberal. No room for anything else there, I guess. And that’s a false dilemma, my friends, which is a logical fallacy. More about those some other time …

 

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Redneck missionary work

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , , on July 13, 2010| Leave a Comment »

When Trish and I were getting in my car after the Redneck Games, I noticed something stuck under my windshield. I just grabbed it and threw it in the car without looking at it. Much later, when I was about to throw it away, I actually looked at it.

The headline: “Rednecks can be Christians too!”

Oh boy.

Let me share with you some “wisdom” from the pamphlet.

If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I’d choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit — that’s what rednecks are made of.

Wow. Somehow I don’t think a tire iron is a match for an AK47. But maybe a squirrel gun is equal to an IED made by a weak terrorist in training. Grit, as in gumption, might be equal, although grit, as in particles, probably is not: Sand tends to get in crannies a little more obnoxiously than Georgia red clay does.

I’ve scanned the brochure for your enjoyment.

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Redneck Games: Fun for the whole family

Posted in Random, tagged , , , , , on July 10, 2010| 7 Comments »

Sometimes I love (LOVE!) living in the South.

One reason: The annual Redneck Games in East Dublin.

They began in 1996 in response to the jokes about Rednecks hosting the official Olympic Games in Atlanta. They feature stellar events such as Redneck Horseshoes (with toilet seats), Armpit Serenade, Bobbin’ for Pigs’ Feet, Watermelon Seed Spitting and the Mudpit Belly Flop.

I’ve wanted to go for years, but something always happens to ruin my plans.

This year, I was determined to go. I started badgering Trish two months ago to go with me. I finally got her to commit yesterday. Yesterday! She’s from Iowa, and I think Rednecks scare her.

I almost couldn’t sleep last night. It was like Christmas.

Let me share this magical day with you via a photo essay. Come on the amazing journey, and learn all you should know. (TH=Trish took the photo, BC=I took it)

It began with gator kabobs. (TH)

All dressed up with somewhere to go. (TH)

No festival in the South is complete without the General Lee. (BC)

The band knew their Skynyrd. (TH)

And we knew how to fit in. (BC)

I found a replacement for Eddie. (BC)

And Eddie can have her. (BC)

Or maybe we could join this family. (BC)

Let the games begin with the Watermelon Seed Spitting Contest. (TH)

Overheard: "Where'd she spit it?" "She swallowed." (TH)

Nothin' like bobbin' for pigs' feet. (BC)

This girl could hold her own. (BC)

But this guy was the clear winner. (TH)

How could this lady be napping? And is that underwear on her face? (TH)

Soon it was time for the Mudpit Belly Flop. (TH)

Competitors displayed many techniques. (TH)

The couple that flops together stays together. (TH)

The odds on favorite was the "Redneck Granny." (TH)

Though she clearly isn't as agile as she used to be. (TH)

Redneck Granny still took the top prize. (TH)

And then it degenerated into a mêlée. (TH)

Pretty Princesses of the Pit. (TH)

And their handsome princes. (TH)

We went to the event, and all you get is a look at this lousy T-shirt. (TH)

And a gander at this guy's very chic, very permanent tattoo. (BC)

Stay classy, Dublin!

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