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Posts Tagged ‘Rednecks’

Dear Friends and Family,

Remember that promise I made to get out more? Well, sometimes that leads to questionable decisions. Like last night’s.

My neighbor Amy and I went to MicroMania in Salem.

I’m going to pause here to let you follow that link.

Yeah.

It seemed like a great idea, then I had regrets. So many regrets before the show started.

The merch made me cringe.

One of the biggest regrets was not reading the show poster correctly.

It CLEARLY says doors open at 7. But Amy and I got it in our heads that the show STARTED at 7. So we got there there 2.5 hours early.

As a result, we got second-row seats. But we also had to kill time. As I’m doing Dry January, drinking wasn’t it.

So we played homemade Bingo.

And listened to BAD jokes by the emcee.

What’s the difference between a dwarf and a midget?
Very little.

Terrible.

I seriously contemplated leaving. I was afraid I was participating in one of those awful shows from the late 19th century.

But then the show started. The performers were spectacular. In on and pushing the joke.

I mean, they came out to a medley of songs such as “It’s a Small World” and “Follow the Yellow Brick Road.”

And the crowd was loving it. Not in a mean, weird way.

I also did the math and realized how much the performers were potentially banking. It’s not a small amount. (Sorry. I got caught up.)

The ring was set up where the line dancing happens.

The man in front of us was LOSING HIS MIND with joy. He recorded every moment of every match.

This wrestler’s stage name is 25 Cent.

There also was a significant amount of audience interaction.

It had so many moments you would expect wrestling matches to have.

I know you know what will happen next.

A guy behind me shouted “Bring out the tables!”

So, you know, standard wrestling.

It turned out to be a fun night. Not sure I would go again, though. I need to find a new hobby to keep me occupied.

Don’t judge me.

With a little love from Oregon,
Beth

*Yes, they played that song too.

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Dear Savannah Friends,

Many of you expressed concern about my social well-being when I saw you over the holidays.

Fair.

I do need to get out more. Try to meet more non-work people.

So this week, I did two things in two different places with two different sets of people:

Line dancing in Salem and a drag show in Portland.

How is that for running the gamut?

Those of you who have known me a while know that I haunted Stetsons in Savannah for line-dancing nights back in the day.

Salem, Oregon, is apparently a hotspot for line dancing. (Who knew?)

The colleague who told me about this event did provide some additional information.

It was great! I had fun and got some exercise. People were very welcoming.

That was Thursday night. I went to Darcelle XV in Portland on Friday night.

It was not like any other drag show I’ve seen. I’m used to acrobatic, can-pass-as performers working the crowd. This show was more like a cabaret stocked with Joan Crawford/Bette Davis clones in evening gowns. To tip, you threw your money in a bowl at center stage.

It was a good evening with friends, but I probably wouldn’t go back to the regular show. There’s an “open mic”-style drag show on Tuesdays that looks more interesting.

Still, I could have had a terrible time at either or both of these places and been happy to be out.

My next big event out should be a doozy:

Stay tuned.

Love,
Beth

*Love me some Miley.

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MCMINNVILLE, Ore. — An Oregon woman who calls herself “Auntie Beth” emerged from her work/home loop Saturday to visit a Willamette winery, according to a source close to the woman.

“She’s lived here for more than a month already,” said the source. “We were about to do a welfare check.”

Lured by an advertisement touting “live music,” Auntie Beth arranged to meet up with a new Facebook friend. This friend, Wendy, and Auntie Beth were surprised and dismayed to discover that the music genre was jazz.

Still, they stayed until the event was over, then continued the evening at Lumpy’s Tavern a short distance away.

This dive bar featured many local craft brews on tap, a variety of interesting people, three pool tables and karaoke.

Auntie Beth arrived home safe at 1:30 a.m. — four hours past her normal bedtime. She and Wendy are expected to repeat the evening in two weeks.

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Captain’s Log, Day 5 (471 miles logged)

It was cold in Yellowstone last night. I was thrilled about that. We slept in and got a late start.

Our first stop was Old Faithful. We did not time it well. According to the online predictor, it wasn’t scheduled to erupt for another 90 or so minutes after we arrived. (I wish I had discovered the predictor before we headed out.)

So this is what we saw.
We made the best of it.**
Eddie most of all.

Our next stop was the Grand Prismatic Spring. We decided to do the overlook hike.

Totally worth it.

The rest of the drive to the West Entrance of Yellowstone was lovely.

Once again, Leo could not be fussed.

This cat. Lord.

He also completely slept through the bit of engine drama. We had gotten gas (again) and were back on the road. Suddenly, the cruise control failed, and I got an error message that said, “Service Advance Trak.” The ABS light also came on.

We pulled over, and I called Cruise America. Despite the rep insisting we had been buffeted by wind (we hadn’t) or driven with a wheel on gravel (nope) or made a sudden swerve (wrong again), he told us how to reset everything.

The instructions are below. And I’m not exaggerating.

  • Turn the ignition off and on again five times, waiting four seconds in each position.
  • Drive 40 mph for 2-3 minutes.
  • Turn off the ignition and back on again.

People, believe me when I say that NO ONE was more shocked than I was when it worked.

It felt like Monica’s guide to erogenous zones.

Anyway, crisis averted, we continued through Idaho.

We passed the Idaho Potato Museum, but we were running behind. I didn’t want to set up camp in the dark again. Also, no one else wanted to go.

Eddie: I have no interest in a potato museum.

Idaho makes Wyoming look like New York City. There’s nothing but potato fields, irrigation systems and dust.

And cancer-causing windmills. (🙄)

Idaho and West Oregon also are bereft of RV parks. We finally found one in Ontario, Oregon, that was basically just a hot-assed parking lot.

It probably would have been better to set up in the dark. It was 93 degrees at 9 p.m.

Gideon and I made the trek across the highway to the gas station to get water.

In Oregon, you have to pay extra for bottled water. So that’s fun. 🙄

(In theory, I’m in favor. In the reality of traveling in an RV with limited space to save bottles, I’m not.)

You also have to pay extra for delightful merch like this. 😉

It was our last night in the RV, so we celebrated.

We’re fancy.

The kids and I played poker, then called it a night. We had to get up early for the last push to my new home.

Tomorrow: The eagle has landed.

*One of my favorite songs by The Cure.

**Please admire my new shirt.

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Dear People of Collinsville,

I attended your annual International Horseradish Festival this year. Those who know me know that I love a niche festival. Grilled cheese, nations, beer, onions, rednecks, rattlesnakes — you name some weird focus, and you can count me in.

So attending this festival was a no-brainer. I put it on my calendar this time last year after I realized (to my dismay) that I had missed it.

A quick drive across the Mighty Mississippi, and I was in your thriving metropolis.

“Thriving.”

Granted, it was the first day of the festival, but I assumed there would be more.

More of everything, but especially HORSERADISH.

I saw more on the drive in than I did at the festival!

This was the ONLY VENDOR selling horseradish products:

And this was the only one with plants:

You know what the festival DID have, though?

Funnel cakes and corn dogs
Turkey legs and tractors

As well it should.

It also had interesting information about the spicy root.

And town info.

Tom Petty night! I might be back for Rockabilly.

Still, I was … underwhelmed. I was in and out in fewer than 30 minutes.

Maybe I just needed to schedule my visit around the Root Toss or the Bloody Mary Contest or Root Grinding. In that case, I apologize for judging you harshly.

Good luck with future festivals!
Beth

* I know, I know. I can’t help it.

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Dear Savannah:

Mardi Gras in St. Louis reminded me of you.

It’s definitely like St. Patrick’s Day on River Street.

Sea of drunk, rowdy people? Check.
Interesting outfits? Check.
People making questionable choices? Check.
Evidence of a “good time” everywhere? Check.
Too much of a good time very early in the day? Check.
No personal space? Check.

The only thing different is that St. Louis had a parade with actual floats (not politicians in convertibles).

Though I won’t be able to experience St. Pat’s with you this year, you clearly are in my thoughts.

Love always,
Beth

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Dear Rep. Ann Kelley,

What — and I mean this sincerely — the f*** are you doing?

WHY would you propose a change to the Missouri House of Representatives rules that forces women to cover their arms?

And you are a woman. What the heck?!

Let me get this straight: You lost your mind over requiring people to wear masks a couple of years ago to stop the spread of COVID, but now you are forcing women to wear sleeves?

You claim it was to clarify language to be “equal” to men. (By the way, you really should hire a PR person or copy editor or SOMEONE to help you with your writing skills.)

Sure it was.

I can’t believe it was adopted 105-51. (Note that the House is made up of 116 men and 43 women. Party affiliation for reference: 111 R, 52 D.)

I can’t believe you wasted any time on this at all. Have you seen the state rankings? Just look!

30th in Education

42nd in Public Safety

42nd in Healthcare

I swear to God — you are affecting my healthcare: my mental health!

I really don’t know why I’m surprised at either of the things above. It’s so much easier to control women and what they do and wear rather than tackle big issues in all people’s lives. Right, Ann?

What an embarrassment this is for the state. You want to be in the international consciousness with this foolishness?

I’m so glad my representative didn’t vote for this nonsense. (Granted, I think he was absent that day.)

Pull yourself together, please. Focus on important issues.

Sincerely,
Beth, a Missouri resident with sense

Bare arms vs. bear arms (God forbid she wears a mask.) Photo credit here.

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Dear Beauty (and those with similar viewpoints),

I read your blog, posts, etc., because your beliefs are so different from mine. I’m really trying to understand. To find some common ground. It’s really hard, though.

And you clearly aren’t seeking dissenting voices. (I’ve mentioned before how you won’t approve comments that disagree with you. That’s your prerogative, of course.)

In your latest post, “The War For Young Minds” (no hyperbole there 🙄), you lament a part of “Hocus Pocus 2.”

Unpopular opinion: Your mistake was watching “Hocus Pocus 2” and not because of any drag queens. The original “Hocus Pocus” is unbearable.

But I digress.

Here’s the thing (and what I wrote in a comment that you deleted):

This doesn’t affect you. Drag queens do not impact your quality of life. A trans person living his/her/their life does not harm you in any way.

Let’s talk about the pejorative “woke.” Why is it so wrong to show people who are different from ourselves on TV and in movies? Why is representation threatening to you? Why does it bother you that a person wants you to use preferred pronouns in reference to him/her/them?

I know you are super religious, so let’s talk about a quality of God you’ve mentioned: never making mistakes.

You know what does affect children? The fear of being killed in school. There was a shooting Monday at a school three miles away from my house. That’s 40 school shootings this year, in case you are keeping track.

For someone who is so devoutly pro life, I would think you would care about that.

I have never once worried that a drag queen was going to kill me or children. In fact, drag queens have improved my life with meat prizes.

You know what else affects children? Predatory behavior.

I would think that Christian Republicans like yourself would care about that too. But no, that concern is selective, political, engineered and manifested for personal gain.

I have never once worried that a drag queen was going to molest my children.

So spare me your outrage. All I see is hypocrisy.

If you profess to care about children, you need to care about the children going to school worried about their safety. And children being preyed upon by grown men. And the ones who are LBGTQIA.

Some children may even grow up to be drag queens. If they are lucky. 😉

How do you explain to a kid why men are dressed as women? You say, “Because they want to.”

It’s as easy as that.

I mean, who cares?

Right. You do. Too much.

“Woke agenda.” Sigh. Drag is “harmful.”

Look. Listen.

Raise your children the way you want. Have the experiences you want to have. Surround yourself with likeminded people. Believe in and celebrate God. That’s your privilege. But know that it is YOUR responsibility to watch over your children, not Disney’s.

Someday, I hope your view of what’s appropriate, acceptable, “normal” and worth attention will change.

In the meantime, I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,
Beth

*Thanks, Aerosmith!

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Dear Kara,

I was SO HAPPY to see you Saturday night.

In general, of course, but also because you too wanted to wear a mask to see our brother Lodell play in his Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute band.

Diamond Music Hall was SOMETHING ELSE.

I had no idea this place had COVID repellent. They need to bottle it and sell it.

I mean, CLEARLY they have some kind of protection because there were 4,352 people inside and no mask in sight.

Yikes!

I walked in and started hyperventilating. I told Lodell that he’d be the last person I’d see pre-infection.

It was a super-spreader event, for sure. Great for the band to have so many fans. Not great for my health.

But you showed up and normalized mask wearing.

The fear is real.

I am grateful.

I’m also oddly grateful to the nearby couple who decided a Southern rock show was a good place to practice the dance moves they learned after Bible study.

They were fascinating.

And Freebird USA put on a great show.

I’m a fan.

I’m willing to go out again, but only if you are with me in mask solidarity.

Deal?

Your sister,
Beth

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Dear Missouri Drivers,

I’m so glad I learned to drive in Atlanta where Nascar has nothing on I-285. If I hadn’t, there’s no way I would have been prepared for you.

Perhaps you didn’t get any drivers education. Let me help.

Pro Tip 1
People getting onto the highway need to be able to merge. Let them in, for crying out loud!

Pro Tip 2
When someone has his/her/their turn signal on, that means the person wants to get over. Oh but wait, none of you seems to know what that is.

Pro Tip 3
The turn signal is a lever on your steering wheel that, when activated, lets other drivers know you want to make a turn or get into a different lane. You are in the Show Me state, so show me your freakin’ turn signal.

Pro Tip 4
It’s helpful to other drivers for you to pick a lane and STAY IN IT. Weaving in and out is annoying and dangerous.

Pro Tip 5
The posted speed limit is not a suggestion. It’s the max. It’s right there on the sign!

Maybe y’all drive this way to avoid all the potholes and road damage.

Seriously, these roads are about as bad as the ones I had the misfortune of driving in Antigua. That’s saying something.

Please, for the love of God, think of your fellow drivers.

I thank you from the bottom of my wheel wells.

Beth

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