Dear Organizers of the Atlanta Oddities and Curiosities Expo:
Thank you from the bottom of my freaky little heart. It’s like you planned the event just for me.
Taxidermy? Check.
Jewelry made from animal parts? Check.
Human sideshows? Check.
One of the first things I saw when I walked in (by myself of course because who’s going with me to this?) was this array:
I think my strange little heart skipped a beat.
Then I saw this:
Sadly, he was not for sale.
But creations featuring Ouija boards were.
I am not allowed to come home with occult material. I’m not even allowed to remind Eddie that we have a Ouija board in the house.
But I almost came home with this:
I decided against the leg. I’m ok with having things that might have been roadkill. But a giraffe is an unlikely candidate for that.
Instead, I bought a coyote face.
That’s right.
And I actually uttered this sentence:
How much is the face?
That was my only Buffalo Bill moment, I promise.
I didn’t buy the jars of teeth that looked like corn niblets.
I also passed up the pelts.
I even declined the dicks.
You know what I did buy? Mouse paw metal horns.
And a glow-in-the-dark necklace featuring a spiderweb.
Note: That’s quite a job title. Is there a degree in that? Or maybe a certificate?
I also bought some leggings.
The ones on the right will be my Murderino lure.
Sadly, I did not come home with an IV stand.
Or a sheep skin.
Or any of the many hot bearded and tattooed men in attendance. You couldn’t swing a (dead) cat in there without hitting one of those.
Note to self: If you find yourself single, don’t troll bars. Clearly, you’ll find life among the dead instead.
Look, I know that photo isn’t as sexy as the glamour shots of someone’s monkey, but I do what I can.
Anyway, thank you for bringing this event to Atlanta. You’ve given me new ways to torture my family — just in time for the holidays.
All my love,
Beth
Observe and report 