I love this résumé on Craig’s List and I don’t care if it is real or not, or how old it is (2008). Warning: It is quite profane.
Here’s my less profane (and therefore less funny) non-work version of my résumé:
Résumé of Dubious Achievements
OBJECTIVE: Finish my freakin’ dissertation already and get my life back!
STUFF I HAVE DONE:
- Commented on my boss’ crazy hair. (I don’t remember doing this, but he swears I did.)
- Used “meh” to describe students’ work. Repeatedly.
- Gone ballistic over mistakes in printed materials (much to the joy of most of the people reading this blog).
- Chosen to watch “Jersey Shore” instead of getting much-needed sleep.
- Cleaned my kids’ faces with my own saliva. (Vile, I know, but there it is.)
- Watched “Tommy Boy,” Napoleon Dynamite,” “Grease” and “Pulp Fiction” many, many times (too many times to count).
- Watched “Transformers” and “Iron Man” while pretending it was because the boys wanted to watch. (We all know how I feel about Shia LaBeouf and Robert Downey Jr.)
- Fed my children peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner.
- Laughed at “iCarly.”
- Planned an outfit around a necklace or pair of shoes.
MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
- Maintained this blog for more than a year.
- Gotten out of bed on these recent frigid days.
- Refrained from punching my mother-in-law.
- Endured guest lectures that seemed interesting on paper, but were executed in the most boring, soul-sucking way possible.
- Watched the George Clooney version of Batman. (Shudder.)
- Pretended to be interested in Duke basketball.
- Arranged a repair date for our recalled washer.
- Created a brachiosaurus out of patterned paper. (Origami does not come naturally to me.)
- Remembered to give Mona her heartworm pill this month.
- Flossed regularly.
PROFICIENT IN:
- Making lasagna, gyoza, potato and leek soup, and pumpkin pie.
- Getting the boys dressed in five minutes.
- Beating my hair into submission in about that same amount of time.
- Butchering complex concepts in Spanish (fourth-grade level = fine).
- Going to the gym even though I hate its guts.
- Refusing to balance my checkbook.
- Planning our next vacation.
- Dreaming about winning the lottery.
- Not wearing plaid.
- Microsoft Office and Quark.
References available upon request.
