Posted in Friends, Travel, tagged Beer and wine, Food, Friends, Oregon, Out of the house, Pets, Sunburn, Travel, Vineyards, Willamette Valley on September 2, 2024| 2 Comments »
Dear Mary,
Thanks for taking me up on my offer to show you around the Willamette Valley. It was a great mix of old and new for me!
New:
Thanks to Jason‘s inspiration, I actually suggested a “hike.” Thankfully, you and I were of the same mind.
Old:
Thanks for coming, and I hope to see you again soon!
Your friend,
Beth
*B-52’s of course.
Posted in Home Sweet Home, tagged Atlanta, Complaints, Death, Nudity, Oregon, Out of the house, Outfits, Peeves, Politics, Rednecks, Savannah, Sunburn, White people on July 14, 2024| 7 Comments »
Dear Summer,
Listen: I know plenty of people like you. We were all conditioned to like you because that is when we finally got a break from school.
But imma** be real with you: I hate you. You can GTFO.
I don’t like to sweat. It’s why I prefer exercising in the water.
I don’t want to lie in the sun and bake.
I’m not a fan of wearing shorts.
I moved to the Pacific Northwest where I was promised clouds and rain.
Yet here you are, Summer. Coming in hot.
Literally.
It was above 100 degrees for a few days last week.
My office is on the third floor of an old building with no air conditioning.
My house does not have central air.
Many places here do not have AC.
Why? It was never needed.
For you MAGA idiots who “do your own research” squawking that climate change isn’t real, let me tell you something:
I have a degree in meteorology. For real.
(Ok, I’m breathing. Deep breaths. In with the good air; out with the bad.)
Anyway, no air.
When I got here and noted this travesty, people said to me, “But Beth, you are from the South!”
Yes, and we have air conditioning everywhere. In fact, the AC is so strong that you keep a sweater in your car just in case.
Not here. I even took the usual sweater off my naked cat so he could stay cool.
It’s not over yet. Tuesday will be hot too.
And I remember last year when we had 107-degree temps for a week in August. Fun.
So, Summer, please go. Fall, you’re the one that I want.
Kthxbyeeee,
Beth
*Glenn.
**Stealing from kids today.
Posted in Music, Travel, tagged Atlanta, Atlanta events, Beer and wine, Food, Friends, Media, Music, Nudity, Out of the house, Outfits, Pop Music, Sunburn, The Brits, Travel, White people on May 9, 2023| 5 Comments »
Dear Tracy and Brian,
Just when I had about given up on humanity, you came along.
Even during a time of personal grief, you did the most lovely thing.
You gifted a stranger VIP tickets to Shaky Knees.
I hate that you experienced a loss. I hate that you had to cancel your trip to Atlanta for Brian’s birthday celebration, and thus the stay you booked in my Airbnb. But instead of reselling the wristbands, you (amazingly) sent them to me.
I will be honest here: I had never been to a multistage music festival.
Given my love of live music, it’s really surprising.
I’ve seen “Trainwreck: Woodstock 99.” That’s like “Halloween” (i.e., a horror movie) to me.
But your generosity pushed me out of my comfort zone.
My friend Jennifer was up for the adventure.
I really didn’t know what to expect, besides lots of music and people.
And among 40K people, what is the chance I would run into someone I know?
Very high, apparently.
One of the biggest perks to me was the use of air-conditioned bathrooms in an RV-type structure. No porta potty for this lady!
You know what else was free? People watching.
Let me say that I have mad respect for people wearing whatever the hell they want to wear.
I enjoyed seeing a medley of concert and other kinds of T-shirts. This one was my favorite:
I also loved that parents brought their older children (12-16 or so). As someone who indoctrinated exposed her children to music early on, I approve. (My kids’ first concert was The Police.)
Jennifer and I packed in as many bands as we could.
All put on a good show. And I know most people were there to see Muse, The Lumineers, Hozier and The Killers.
But I was there to see two artists:
Those two made the festival worth it for me.
Though I’m not a fan of crowds, everyone was well-behaved.
We had a great time!
So thank you for your generosity.
I hope you will be able to make the trip next year. And if you do, I owe you a deep discount on your stay.
Thanks again!
Your new friend,
Beth
Posted in Travel, tagged Complaints, Family, Friends, Out of the house, Pets, Sunburn, Travel on February 10, 2022| 2 Comments »
Dear Kathy Lou Who, aka Spot, aka Mother Dearest, aka Mom:
Thanks so much for inviting me on your trip to Costa Rica with Sister Kara, and your friends Sharon and Brad (aka Bardo). Though you, Kara and Aunt Beth visited me in Atlanta for Mother’s Day last year, this is our first trip together.
I admit that I was a little sad to miss the huge winter storm in St. Louis (it would have been my first). Then I saw these stats: Missouri State Highway Patrol responded to 1,578 stranded drivers and 556 crashes.
Now, my Southern ass wouldn’t have been driving around in that. But Brother Lodell sent video of his freshly shoveled driveway re-covered with another five or six inches of snow.
I don’t have a snow shovel.
So.
It’s best we are here.
And Juancho’s Rancho via Airbnb doesn’t suck either.
Except for the couch. The couch sucks. The couch sucks HARD because it IS hard.
We had to get a cushion for this monstrosity.
It was nice to meet Juancho. He’s MUCH YOUNGER than any of us expected. A bit of a hottie too. He suggested we go into Jaco for dinner, but you weren’t having it.
You: Not tonight, Juancho.
Me (suggestively): Not tonight, Juancho.
Kara: Said no one ever.
Kara and I went to bed laughing most nights. Why? Because of stuff like this (so stupid):
The way of life here is much slower than anything American. While waiting for breakfast to be served, Brad and I had plenty of time to notice our surroundings.
And debate the differences among words.
Por ejemplo:
Homeless=circumstantial, not a choice
Hobo=homeless with a goal
Bum=homeless without a goal
Thank you for letting Kara and me retire to the AC and the dark like mole creatures when we were done peopling for a while.
And there was much rejoicing on the last day when I finally saw a monkey.
Anyway, it was great. Thanks again for the invitation. Let’s do it again next year!
Love,
Beth
Posted in Random, tagged Advice, Atlanta, Complaints, Customer service, Family, Food, Kids, Media, Out of the house, Parenting, Peeves, Rage, Requests, Sunburn, Technology, White people on June 27, 2021| 5 Comments »
Dear Six Flags Management:
My son and I visited Six Flags Over Georgia yesterday. A Saturday in June. We must have been high to think that was a good idea.
You can’t do anything about the sun or the heat, but you CAN do loads about the rest of the experience.
My complaints fall into three categories: customer service, your app and basic human needs.
1. Customer service
You have none. Not a single person working there wanted to work there. That was clear. And some who were “working” were not.
Case in point: Macho Nacho.
We went into the restaurant at 1:14 p.m. — prime lunch time. Though there are two sides, only one side was open — despite the fact that there was food out and ready to go on the unmanned side AND you clearly had the staff on hand.
A few minutes later, four employees came in with Icees and stood around watching the others work.
It was at this point that I went partial Karen and emailed guest relations.
Meanwhile, my son faded into oblivion.
One other thing: If you are going to advertise that you have guacamole, please have guacamole.
2. The Six Flags app
As I am a diamond member, you send me surveys all the time. You always ask about the app. I always tell you it sucks.
Why? It’s useless. It doesn’t provide any information you can’t get inside the park all over the place.
You know what makes a theme park app useful? Ride wait times. Every other theme park app has them.
Not yours.
Plus, you have to have cell service to use the app. Service in your park is nonexistent. And your WiFi?
Right.
One of the incentives to use the app is the chance to earn points with checkins. (What these points go toward is a mystery, but whatever.)
Great, right? Haha! No.
3. Basic human needs
People need food, clothing and shelter.
I would argue that you deprived us of the first for longer than necessary (see Complaint No. 1).
No. 2 is not applicable here. I live in the South. I know how to dress for a day at the theme park.
No. 3, though, is applicable when it comes to the rides. There is no reason you can’t have canopies over the lines for the rides.
We wanted to go on the Goliath, but the wait time appeared to be an hour in the broiling sun.
No shade whatsoever.
No thank you.
All skin burns. My pale skin gets it worse.
I would argue that hand sanitizer is now a basic human need. Why have sanitizing stations when you don’t fill them regularly? We tried five before we found one with fluid.
Also bathrooms need to be stocked with toilet paper. I can’t believe I have to tell you that.
After one ride and lunch, we were ready to leave.
Gideon: I’ve had enough for today. Let’s go and come back on a weekday or some night.
Me: Good plan.
Please don’t send me an after-visit survey unless you really are planning to implement changes.
Kthxbye,
Beth
Posted in Friends, Parenting, tagged Aging, Apartment life, Beer and wine, Death, Family, Food, Friends, Holidays, Hormones, Kids, Movies, Music, Out of the house, Parenting, Pool, Pop Music, Rednecks, Signs, Sunburn, Travel on June 1, 2021| Leave a Comment »
Dear Friends of My Sons,
I feel lucky. You are all really good kids. I like you, and your parents seem great too.
I spent loads of time with you over the weekend as it was Gideon’s birthday. I laughed so much.
Let’s recap:
Friday night, I took Roscoe and Gideon to meet Trent to see “A Quiet Place 2.”
Gideon: I forgot my debit card.
Roscoe: I have $2.
All: [pause]
Roscoe: I’m ballin’
Me: [howling] Big pimpin’
Saturday, on the way to Six Flags, I discovered Cole is not a fan of roller coasters. He must really like Gideon to agree to go to a theme park with him.
We drive up to the entrance and see a coaster.
Me: That’s the Georgia Scorcher. You stand up on it.
Cole: [blanching]
Me: Are your hands clammy now?
Cole: My whole body is clammy.
Y’all are at that age where you don’t really want parents around, so Eddie and I peeled off.
You found us at Macho Nacho.
Me: Where’s Dominic?
Gideon: He wanted a turkey leg, so we left him.
Me: Dang. That’s cold.
Eddie and I felt sorry for Dominic, so we went to find him.
Me, calling Dominic: Where are you?
Dominic, sounding annoyed: I’m getting a turkey leg.
Me: Where?
Dominic: At the Sky Screamer Drinks and Eats. It’s across from the Sky Screamer.
Me: We’ll be right there.
We get there, and Dominic tells me he has had the exact same conversation with Josh, Gideon twice, me, then Roscoe. I started laughing, because he repeated the conversation each time for my benefit.
An hour in line (no exaggeration), he finally had his leg.
We had to leave Six Flags. It was just too crowded. Clearly there’s no COVID in Georgia. 🙄
Trent chatted amiably with me on the way back to the car. I learned all about his job search. And other things.
Trent: I just need about a thousand dollars for equipment.
Me: When you get your job, that will happen soon. What kind of music do you do?
Trent: I rap for Jesus.
Me: Oh! Ok. You have a rap name?
Trent: It’s Trent Truth.
Me: That’s great!
We decided to resume Gideon’s birthday at the pool.
The next day, we took Dominic and HIS friends whitewater rafting. I’m eternally shocked at Dominic and Gideon’s choice of music for car rides.
Dominic: Green Day to Bee Gees to Taylor Swift
Gideon: Neil Diamond to Doom
And then there’s Adem’s choice of footwear. I was surprised to learn Crocs are hella trendy again.
Adem: I’ve got my Crocs in support mode.
That meant he used the back straps. Dylan could have taken a page out of Adem’s book.
I feel fortunate. I do. My children have chosen wisely.
See you for plenty of adventures this summer.
Love,
Dominic and Gideon’s mom
*Dionne FTW.
Posted in Parenting, tagged Beer and wine, Bright ideas, Coronacation, Facilities crew, Family, Friends, Holidays, Kids, Music, Obsessions, Out of the house, Pandemic, Parenting, Rednecks, Savannah, Sunburn, Technology, Travel, White people on October 26, 2020| 4 Comments »
Dear Helios,
Thanks for giving us one good day at the beach. We needed it after our annual trip turned into a nomadic search for reliable Wi-Fi in the age of ‘Rona ‘Rona.
(Thank you to Patrick/Petra, Tammy and Sharon for letting us park in your homes when the beach Wi-Fi would only allow us to connect my iPad and the Roku.)
Saturday became our hassle-free day. I only had to worry about keeping my foot elevated.
Dominic and Gideon only concerned themselves with how deep they wanted to dig a hole.
Eddie only bothered with taking photos of said hole.
Back story: For whatever reason, the boys love to dig a hole in the sand every time we go to the beach. I don’t know why.
But people act like they’ve never seen a hole. Not a single person passed without commenting.
Granted, it was quite an impressive dig.
Meanwhile, I was desperately trying to blend the tan stripes on my stomach that I got from tubing. (You know: When I got stuck outside of the tube and wiped off all the sunscreen trying to wriggle back into it.)
I was taking a nap when the family started badgering me to get under the umbrella. They started calling me names (“Whitey”) and reminding me of that one time.
It was hurtful.
Me to Eddie: Why can’t I be a bronzed goddess?
Eddie: You can be a vanilla goddess.
So I did retreat to shade, but not before checking the hole.
During the GREAT DIG, Eddie and I savored some adult beverages.
Me to Eddie: What are we doing about dinner?
Eddie: I don’t know. What do you want to do?
Me: I want to go to Crab Shack.
Eddie: But we’ll have to drive.
Me: We can take Lyft.
Eddie: No, wait: WE HAVE A DESIGNATED DRIVER!
(We both look at Dominic in the hole.)
There was much rejoicing.
Anyway, thanks for giving us a sunny, mild day.
Hope you’ll be around the next time we plan a family trip.
With appreciation,
Beth
*I got into the Disney vault for that.
Posted in Friends, tagged Atlanta, Beer and wine, Bright ideas, Fat, Fear, Friends, Out of the house, Rednecks, Sunburn, White people on August 2, 2020| 5 Comments »
Dear Kalen,
Thanks for taking me to “shoot the hooch.” I cannot believe I grew up in Atlanta and never did this before.**
I almost feel like I need to turn in my Southern girl card.
But not quite, as I adapted like a champ.
Ratty visor? Check.
Brewery coozies? Check.
Cooler filled with beer? Check.
Bungee cords to tie our tubes together? Check.
Bikini to get some sun (even though I know better)? Check.
The sun was hot. The beer and the water were cold.
It was a perfect day.
Perfect until I fell in, that is. (No, apparently I CAN’T reach your speaker carabiner.)
So there I was, dangling in the water, contemplating how best to get back in the tube when something touched my leg.
SOMETHING TOUCHED MY LEG.
My human brain knew it was just river weed.
My lizard brain lost it.
I started scream laughing. You started scream laughing. At me.
Here’s a dramatic re-enactment of me, slippery from sunscreen and still screeching, trying to get back into the innertube.
In addition to making sure to stay in the tube next time, we also will have to do a better job of tying you to the cooler float so you don’t end up in someone else’s pod, flouting social distancing expectations.
Thanks for the adventure. Let’s do it again soon!
Love and ‘hoochee kisses,
Beth
* Thank you, Alan Jackson.
** Edit: A friend reminded me I DID shoot the hooch. In college. While completely trashed. So that doesn’t count, as I don’t remember.
Posted in Advice, Travel, tagged Advice, Atlanta, Bright ideas, Coronacation, Coronavirus, COVID-19, Customer service, Family, Fear, Food, Holidays, Kids, Out of the house, Pandemic, Parenting, Signs, Six Flags, Sunburn, Theme park, Travel on June 23, 2020| 2 Comments »
Dear Folks Who Are Wondering What It’s Like To Go To A Theme Park That Just Reopened:
It’s weird. Every bit of it is weird.
As indicated in my last post, we took Eddie to Six Flags for Father’s Day. “We” meaning “Gideon and I” because Dominic didn’t get off work.
🙄
Anyway, I had to make a reservation for us to go. That’s new.
Also new:
· Hand-washing stations outside the entrance
· Temperature scans on the way in (not sure that helps if people are asymptomatic, but ok)
· The requirement for everyone to wear a mask at all times
· Social distancing in the queue
· Social distancing on the rides themselves
· Having to scream/laugh through a mask (but that might just be my problem)
· Hand sanitizer everywhere
So yeah, plenty of changes.
There are some things that haven’t changed:
· Crappy attitudes of the teenaged staff
· Skin-boiling heat with no shade in sight
· Unappetizing food such as a burger with the bun literally dripping butter
· The potential for ride malfunction
Here are the mechanics working on the ride we just exited — the one we were stuck on for 15 minutes.
So it was different, but not so much so that I would stay away. We have to get our membership money’s worth!
Yours in thrills,
Beth
Posted in Parenting, tagged Atlanta, Bright ideas, Friends, Kids, Out of the house, Parenting, Peeves, Sunburn on July 28, 2019| Leave a Comment »
Dear Dominic,
Sigh.
You’ve been so great for the past few weeks. Why did you have to ruin it?
I woke you up yesterday at 10:30 because our friend Harry was taking us on his boat. Let me remind you of our conversation, as your memory is trash.
Me: “Get up. We’re leaving to go on Harry’s boat in an hour. You need to get breakfast and get all these clothes off the floor.”
You (loud): “Why do we have to go? I don’t want to go! Can’t just you and Gideon go?” (Insert more bitching.)
Me: “Do you realize how stupid you sound? You are mad that I’m trying to get you to go on a boat on Lake Lanier, possibly even go water skiing! What’s wrong with you?”
(Side note: Eddie is out of town.)
This is what’s wrong with you: You don’t get enough sleep.
Once you got a few snacks in you, you were fine.
(Side note 2: Why do you have to eat like a savage?)
And that gave you enough strength to go water skiing.
I know you were sorry you acted like such a butthole, because later, when we were swimming, you would not leave Harry and me alone. You were all up in our conversation.
Harry and I have been friends for 27 years. We have things to discuss that don’t concern you.
So next time, could you PLEASE save your anger and drama for AFTER you see if you hate the activity?
Kthxbye,
Your aggravated mother
* Nod to Guns N’ Roses
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