Dear Men in Relationships with Women:
“Am I the Asshole?” on Reddit is alive with the sound of squabbling. One woman is upset about her boyfriend who doesn’t do chores (and doesn’t flush). A man thinks his girlfriend should do all the chores because she works from home.
Men, have you heard of the concept of mental load? No? Let me share it with you. (Thanks to Goat Yoga Lisa for introducing me.)
You don’t have time to read this whole thing? Yeah, women don’t either.
That’s the point. And the pandemic has made everything worse.
When did women sign up to be house managers? Hint: We didn’t.
Maybe in the Cleaver-style 1950s, things were more equitable. Men worked. Women stayed at home, raised the kids, and kept house. But now most women have full-time jobs and STILL have all the things to do at home.
Yes, there are exceptions. Yes, I’m oversimplifying. Yes, yes, yes.
But still my point remains.
I know you want to @ me with sentences that start with:
- “But not all men … “
- “But what about … “
- “But I do … “
Please don’t.
Look. Listen. I’m sure you are lovely and think you are an equal partner.
But I bet you are not.
Ask the lady in your life. Listen to what she says.
Now that I’m conscious of mental load, I notice things I never noticed before. Gender roles are so ingrained.
A couple of weeks ago, we were visiting the house where my sister in law is staying until she gets her own place. It’s the home of a lovely professional couple. We were all outside chatting: three male adults, two male teenagers, three female adults. The lady of the house was being a good Southern hostess — getting drinks, bug spray, snacks, etc. My SIL disappeared. I found her in the kitchen alone making dinner. I rolled up my sleeves and started helping. We were in there working on dinner for about two hours while the guys had a nice chat outside.
To recap: Women inside making dinner or serving snacks/drinks. Men outside relaxing.
To be fair, when my SIL asked a couple of the men to help with one part of the dinner, they did.
But they had to be asked.
Now reread the article I linked.
That’s right.
Now do you see?
I thought you might.
Thanks in advance for taking on more of the mental load. Your partner will appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Beth
*Credit to Laurel Thatcher Ulrich.
Observe and report 
Ah… Abusive husband number 1. I’m working in a factory that makes skis and supporting him while he finishes his BA. I work 8-9 hour days. I come home. I say, “You know, Matt, you could make dinner. WHAM!”
Good X — I’m teaching, he’s unemployed, I come in from Saturday gardening (my time) and say, “You like to eat and you like putting things together, Jim, why don’t you cook?” “Well,” said the Good X, “I thought about it once and decided if I started doing that it would be a big pain in the ass.”
Not even going to mention the Evil X.
I don’t have an answer for anyone on this other than I think men hate not knowing how to do something and that’s one reason they don’t pitch in. But I don’t know. I just don’t deal with them anymore which is certainly not everyone’s solution.
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I posted this on Facebook. As you would expect, some of my male friends are outraged, feel attacked, are super defensive, refusing to see/acknowledge my point. But I bet they didn’t ask their wives if they feel like house managers and, if so, if they are sick of it. It’s the default option that the women take care of things without being asked. That’s my frustration.
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Mine too. I think a lot of relationships fall apart because the woman feels taken for granted and used. It certainly contributed to the end of my marriage with the Good X. That and his numerous extra-marital affairs… 😀
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That will do it. 🙂
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