Now — a theme park for the most important people of all: STRAIGHT WHITE MEN.
Only STRAIGHT WHITE MEN are allowed — preferably married men wanting to get away from the ol’ ball and chain. Leave that shrill harpy HOME where she belongs!
Only AMERICANS — except for TYRANT TUESDAYS when Americans can bring a straight male friend from one of the following countries: Russia, South Africa, and Hungary.
Only the RICH. You must make more than 360 large. NO POORS. Show your bank statement with your ticket.
Nothing WOKE here. WE GUARANTEE. You never have to see a Pride flag or a black face.**
NO DEI either. Our rides are run by the cream of the crop: TEENAGE INCELS.
RED, WHITE, AND BLUELAND is affiliated with the ALL NEW John F. Kennedy and Kid Rock Big Ass Honkytonk Center for the Performing Arts and Rock ‘N’ Roll Steakhouse. The MARCH LINEUP features Kid Rock, Jason Aldean, Lee Greenwood, Ted Nugent, Billy Ray Cyrus, John Rich, and Monster Truck Action with the WORLD-FAMOUS TRUCKASAURUS. Also, David Copperfield.
‘MURICA!
*For now. I think. If you like this idea, you might be a racist. If you are offended, ask yourself why.
**But if you want to wear blackface, that’s totes fine here at RED, WHITE, AND BLUELAND. It’s not just for Halloween anymore!
Isn’t FOX News basically a scam targeting seniors? I can see why this administration wouldn’t want seniors to recognize a scam — like voting for a con man.
Hey kids!
Auntie Beth has a fun new game for you. It’s called Truth AND Consequences.
We’ll start with a scenario. You decide if it’s real or if Auntie Beth’s fertile imagination made it up Onion-style. Here’s an example:
Trump administration fires more than 300 staffers at the National Nuclear Security Administration. Rehires them the next day when they realize those people oversee America’s nuclear weapons. But wait: They can’t locate their personal contact info and are asking remaining employees for help.
A non-elected, non-government person with no oversight has been given broad access to internal, confidential U.S. government databases and is making sweeping decisions on funding programs based on whether he thinks they are valuable or not. Oh, and he makes $7 million per day from the very same government.
FAKE NEWS! Elon Musk makes $8 million per day from all his federal contracts.
VP Vance refused to meet with the Chancellor of Germany, but did meet with the leader of the far-right German party who calls Holocaust remembrance a “guilt cult.”
Speaker of the House Mike Johnson and Senate Majority Leader John Thune said that Trump cannot continue to govern through Executive Orders — that they are done being “his bitches,” and he must work with Congress.
Please. Are you kidding? That’s as FAKE as RFK Jr.’s tan. Those two couldn’t find a spine if they were locked overnight in the Brooklyn Bone Museum.
The man above was busted for:
A. Serving minors in his bar. B. Drinking on the job. C. Cheating on his taxes. D. Causing an international PR crisis.
This is a toughie. It’s D for sure, but also likely C and B (though it LOOKS like A if you happen to just glance at the TV*).
Old man who has been accusing everyone of spending too much money spends $5 million for a joyride around a racetrack.
How many out of the 15 did you get right? (Were you even able to add up your score through your tears and/or blinding rage?)
This is America, y’all. Schoolhouse Rock didn’t prepare us for this bullshit.
The United States has three branches of government. At the moment, only the executive branch and judicial branch seem to be active. The Republicans in Congress seem to be OK with Trump governing via Executive Order.
This time last week, I was on a cruise. I didn’t pay the exorbitant fee for ship WiFi, and I was thus blissfully unaware of Leon and his band of Hitler youth interns hijacking the Treasury. Among other things. 🙄
Listen: I grew up in Georgia. Y’all know I’m a redneck.
Wrestling was a part of my childhood. Dusty Rhodes, the American Dream, was like kin. One of my first crushes was Robert Fuller, whose tag-team partner was Ted DiBiase, the Million Dollar Man.
Jericho is on the right wearing a onesie featuring cats and tacos.
Jericho also fronts one of my favorite bands: Fozzy. Fozzy performed on the cruise, along with a bunch of other bands.
Wrestling AND rock music? It’s the perfect combo for me. I’ve been wanting to go on this cruise for years.
Pre-trip, people would ask where the ship was going. I answered, “I don’t know. I don’t care.” Turns out: Puerto Plata, DR. Fine. I was there for what was happening on the Norwegian Gem.
In addition to Fozzy, the lineup featured the return of Great White. Yes, THAT Great White. They have a new singer. He’s very talented and VERY young. Was DEF not alive during the band’s first go ‘round.
The singer bears a striking resemblance to 20-hour Tina’s daughter Elsa.
Others: Kuarantine (another Jericho-fronted band, this one focused on KISS covers of the no-makeup years), Guardians of the Jukebox (all covers), Excitable (a Def Leppard tribute band), Nocturnal Affair (a screamy metal band), and — another favorite of mine — The Hot Damn!
Ricochet and Komander put on an acrobatic show. This isn’t your dad’s wrestling extravaganza.
There was at least one show per day along with photo opps, autograph sessions, podcasts and random other events — events like a belly-flop contest.
Here’s Will Ospreay with his stellar attempt.
As you are all on a boat together, you could find yourself riding the elevator with Toni Storm.
Or passing Turbo Floyd of the Outrunners in a hallway.
He’s right out of the ‘80s all the time!
Or standing in line at the bar with Jesus.
What was hilarious later is that Fozzy has a song called, “Drinking with Jesus.” The crowd was SO EXCITED and lifted this man up to the front. Sadly, Jericho didn’t even notice. Missed opportunity, I say.
As for drinking, I started the cruise still doing Dry January. Friends, that is a rough choice. ROUGH. Especially when I hear fellow passengers say things like this about their own drinks:
“I’m drunk, and I can tell that’s strong. Got DAMN, that’s strong!”*
But I made it.
And I didn’t get crazy on the trip, either. Unlike others. Look at Will Ospreay’s face after a night of drunken karaoke:
Let me tell you: Cruises are GREAT for people watching.
On the last day at sea, my traveling friend and I sat and watched people for hours. I asked him if he was going to get a chair massage like the dude next to us.
He said, “Absolutely not.”
I said, “Why not? You liked the last massage you got.”
He said, “That was in a nice relaxing cave. This is on a ship surrounded by weird people with Great White doing a sound check in the background.”
Fair enough.
Five days, four nights of events tailored to my interests? Yes, please.
I mean, JUST LOOK!
I’ll tell you this: It was the first time on this cruise, but it won’t be the last.
Observe and report 