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Advice for 2016

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , on November 7, 2012| 2 Comments »

Dear members of the GOP:

I know you are sad and licking your wounds today. This election battle was incredibly contentious with plenty of time, money and emotion invested.

As I am one of those voters you would like to target (the kind who votes for the person, not the party), I’d like to give you some tips on how you can win in 2016.

  • Pick a candidate people actually like. Even die-hard Republicans had trouble getting behind Romney. Cold and robotic don’t play well in politics. Just ask Al Gore. It says something when a Republican restaurant owner feels inspired to give the Democratic president a bear hug (and then of course gets ripped apart by other Republicans).

  • Don’t let your candidate and his wife talk about their three houses and four cars. It’s OK to have a successful person as a candidate, but don’t rub it in a struggling nation’s face.
  • Don’t alienate most of the country. Heinous bumper stickers with slogans such “Don’t Re-Nig” and T-shirts bearing the phrase “Put the white back in the White House” may play well among the racists, but we should all hope that is a small (and getting smaller) group.
  • Remember that gay people and women vote. If you are going to promote policies that negatively affect major groups of people, those people likely are going to vote against you.
  • Remember that Hispanics also vote. Anti-immigration policies that are a not-so-thinly veiled attack on Hispanics, especially Mexicans, are not going to be crowd-pleasers in the Hispanic community.
  • Don’t talk about abstract concepts that — while important — are not affecting the daily lives of citizens. The deficit is extremely important, but it is an abstract issue for most people. You know what is not an abstract issue? Same-sex marriage. Also Planned Parenthood. And Big Bird.

If you really wanted to defeat Obama, you should have picked someone like Jon Huntsman. He could have pulled in people from the middle and the left.

You have four more years to get the party back on track. The horse is out of the gate on same-sex marriage, legalization of marijuana, and other issues you have been fighting. Get with it. Shift party focus to economic issues. Join together and start talking about working with the Democrats to make this country stronger.

Better luck in 2016!
Beth

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Musing on boobs

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , on September 23, 2012| 4 Comments »

Hello Blog!

It’s been 10 days since we’ve hung out together. That may be a record. I’m really sorry. I’ve been preoccupied. I’m worried about my cholesterol (high), boobs (strangely dense, according to the mammogram) and skin (suddenly rashy). Don’t even get me started on work, and the fact that I’m two months behind on a major project (sorry, Regine!).

So, what have you been doing? I see you’ve been hanging in there with a hundred or so views a day, mostly from people wanting to get a look at some parasites.

I’ll bet you’ve really been wanting to talk about Romney and his 47 percent comment. It’s tempting, but I just can’t get into any more arguments this week. It’s pointless. No one is going to change his/her mind at this point. And if people are still undecided, then they aren’t really paying attention and/or don’t care enough to understand the issues.

The two choices for president are Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. No one else has a chance. So Obama’s not perfect, but I like him better than Romney for a variety of reasons.

Ann Landers once said:

The true measure of an individual is how he treats a person who can do him absolutely no good.

The corollary to it is that you can tell plenty about someone by the way he treats the waitstaff. Or the family dog.

Yep. That about sums up Romney’s character, I think, and his feelings toward almost half of America. Yet many of the people in that group, like the elderly (Hi, Dad!), will still vote for him. He’s got no plan, no numbers, no compassion, no sense, no charisma, no conviction.

And I’m not even a Democrat!

Faced with no real alternative (WHY did they choose Romney?), I’ll choose the party of “We’re in this together” versus “You’re on your own.” Maybe 2016 will be different.

Wait a minute. I just I did my own kind of flip-flopping. I said I wasn’t going to talk about this. Sorry about that. It was just too tempting, I guess.

Suddenly I’m not as concerned with my high cholesterol, dense boobs and rashy skin. And that work project seems manageable.

Thanks, Blog! You know how to make a girl feel better.

See you in a couple of days!
Beth

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Stop the madness

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , on September 5, 2012| 4 Comments »

Dear People Running for Office and Your Fervent, Angry Supporters:

I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the venom spewing everywhere.

I know who I am voting for because I have examined carefully your platforms. I have evaluated what is important to me, and what will help me in my life and the lives of my friends and family.

Nasty ads are not going to make me change my mind. Snarky Facebook memes are not going to make me change my mind. Rage-filled comments telling me I am an idiot because I don’t support you are not going to make me change my mind. (In fact, those kinds of comments make me want to dig in my heels a little more.)

Of course, if someone wants to talk rationally WITH ME (not talk AT ME) about the different platforms, I’m all for it.

Perhaps you folks should do that.

The right and the left are not as far apart as screaming talk show hosts would like us to believe. Sadly, there’s no room for shades of gray in political rhetoric. (“50 Shades of Grey,” though, would be AWESOME!)

I’ve lost my will to correct people about their “facts.” I’ve lost the will to comment on an old college friends’ ridiculous slogan-filled status updates. I’ve really lost the will to use Facebook at all because I’m afraid of seeing more of the above. (I know I’ve posted my share of political things, but I’ve tried really hard not to be malicious. I’ve also tried to be fair if not balanced.)

We still have two months to go until the election. By now, I doubt there is a person left who has not made up his/her mind. So please can you just STFU?

I thank you, and my blood pressure thanks you.

Peace,
Beth

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Ignorance is this

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , , , , on August 21, 2012| 4 Comments »

Dear Certain Conservative White Male Politicians:

I know you are not in favor of sex ed in schools. It is clear you need some kind of education, though.

Let me explain reproduction to you in the terms similar to those I used for my son when he was four:

Boys and girls have different parts between their legs. When these parts come together, sometimes they can make a baby.

It doesn’t matter if these parts belong to people in the same family (incest), of different ages (statutory rape), or if the girl was not willing (rape).

And unlike EL James’ book, there aren’t 50 shades of grey when it comes to rape. Rape is rape. If one person doesn’t want to participate, it’s rape. There is no qualifier (like “legitimate”) before that word.

I cannot believe I have to explain this.

You sound like Johnny Nogerelli, Adrian Zmed’s character in “Grease 2“:

‎Can’t a girl just do that thing in a book where she adds up the dates of her uh — whaddayacallit — mentalstration?

No one likes to look like a complete idiot, so I’m going to help you out. Here is a link to a “How Stuff Works” exploration of reproduction. It even talks about contraception, so maybe you can share that with your buddy Rush. Please read at your leisure. You don’t even have to admit you read it. But if you do, it will save you future embarrassment.

Supporting the understanding and protection of lady bits,
Beth

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Yes, I’m “inviting God’s judgment”

Posted in Chickens, Politics, Religion (or lack thereof), tagged , , , , , on August 1, 2012| 2 Comments »

Dear people who ate at Chick-fil-A today simply because Mike Huckabee declared it “Chick-fil-A appreciation day”:

I’m impressed: You decided you felt strongly enough about something that you got motivated to show support. Let’s ignore the fact that you got a meal while doing it.

Many people thought they were just showing support for “Christian” values. It sounds noble and all, but that reasoning is flawed. The God I know doesn’t discriminate. It’s “love thy neighbor” not “love thy straight neighbor.” But you can support whoever you want, whatever business you want, even if they donate money to hate groups. (Are you sure you want to give your money to a business that gives money to groups that actively persecute people? Really?)

The law, however, has to be fair to everyone — gay, straight, Christian, atheist, born here or naturalized. And the laws in this country regarding marriage are discriminatory. I’ve written about this before, so I won’t shove it down your throats again.

The reason I’m writing today is to ask you to do one small thing: Spend the same amount of time you spent in line today (or getting to the line in the first place) thinking about how you would feel if your government told you that you couldn’t marry the person you loved. Separate church from state. Please.

It’s 2012. Why are we as a nation doing the same kinds of things whites did to blacks decades ago? Didn’t we as a nation learn anything? Saying “You can’t do this because you’re not like us” just can’t be the way we do things today. It’s just not right.

So enjoy that chicken sandwich. I hope it was worth it — that you said what you REALLY wanted to say with your money.

And I respect your freedom to spend your money wherever you want, and your freedom to make a statement. In turn, I hope you respect mine.

Not eating “hate chicken,”
Beth

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Eat less “chikin”

Posted in Politics, Religion (or lack thereof), tagged , , , on July 23, 2012| 2 Comments »

Dear Dan Cathy:

I am impressed by your ability to lead Chick-fil-A, a business with 1,608 restaurants and sales of more than $4 billion last year. I’m also impressed that you publicly voice your beliefs, even if they are unpopular. (At least they seem to be unpopular in my social circle.)

You know you’ve chosen a tough road when even the Muppets hate you.

I fully support your ability as an American to support “the biblical definition of the family unit.” As I’ve mentioned before, I think people can support whatever they want in their church and private lives. But if we are talking about legislation, then we will have to agree to disagree.

“All men are created equal” to me means that all people should have the access to the same rights in the United States — paid for, of course, via tax dollars (that everyone pays regardless of, well, anything. Unless they have really good lawyers. Or lobbyists).

Truth be told, I haven’t eaten at one of your restaurants since 1994. That was when I bit into a filet sandwich and found an unsavory hunk of cartilage. Little did I know then that your beliefs were unsavory (to me) as well.

That little bit of gristle saved me from eventual guilt, though, at supporting an organization that does not support all people. Feel free to believe what you believe, support what you support. I’ll be over at Taco Bell, faux beef and all.

Exercising my right to choose,
Beth

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A snarky screed to Sorkin

Posted in Politics, Random, tagged , , , , on June 27, 2012| 6 Comments »

Dear Aaron Sorkin:

You’ve had an impressive and envy-inspiring career so far, writing hits such as “Moneyball,” “A Few Good Men,” “The West Wing” and “Sports Night” and winning accolades and awards.

So why so angry?

At 51 years old, you are much too young to turn into an Andy Rooney-style curmudgeon. I’ve read that your new show, “The Newsroom,” is yet another opportunity you’ve seized to Set the People Straight. I apologize: I haven’t seen it yet.

I share your concern about the state of journalism today, but you and I clearly differ as to whether the Internet is a good or bad thing. Here’s what you told the Atlantic Wire last year:

The upside of web-based journalism is that everybody gets a chance. The downside is that everybody gets a chance. I can’t really get on board with the demonization of credentials with phrases like “the media elite” (just like doctors, airline pilots and presidents, I prefer reporters and commentators to be elite) and the glamorization of inexperience with phrases like ‘citizen journalist.’ …As the saying goes, the problem with free speech is that you get what you pay for.

You are aware that journalists are not technically credentialed, right? There’s no test, no overseeing board, no gated membership area. Somebody just has to be willing to give you a job.

Before the Internet, opportunities were few. Cities were lucky to have one daily paper, one weekly paper, and a couple of television stations. There wasn’t too much turnover.

But now, thanks to the Internet, there are many Web-only publishers. And the great thing is that they are not under corporate control like the “elite media” to which you refer.

I don’t know if you can handle the truth, but the truth is that more voices means that we have a better handle on truth in general — if we as consumers are willing to read and listen to a variety of voices and do some critical thinking. Yes, whiffs of Chomsky right here.

But you have a problem with that:

One of the things I find troubling about the Internet, as great a resource tool as it is, and as nice as it is that we can all communicate with each other, and that everybody has a voice – the thing is, everybody’s voice oughtn’t be equal.

Oh Aaron. Such an elitist. It is ironic that the person who won an Oscar for writing “The Social Network” and is writing a biopic of Steve Jobs could feel this way.

You reserve special hatred for bloggers, even mistaking print reporters for a bloggers.

Ugh. I’m a blogger, Aaron. I also subscribe to numerous newspapers and magazines, watch TV, go to movies, read books (both print and electronic versions)*, and I have a Ph.D. (And I’m sticking out my tongue at you in a very educated and mature way.)

Look, Aaron, the Internet is not going away. So let’s trim those eyebrows and put away the shaking fist. Don’t you have work to do?

Stop biting the hand that feeds you,
Beth

* Although I am a little embarrassed about what I read last.

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Amercia the Beautiful

Posted in Grammar, etc., Politics, tagged , , , , , , on June 15, 2012| 6 Comments »

Dear Mitt,

I don’t like you. I’m sorry, but there it is. It isn’t your politics, though I do think you are a heartless, moneygrubbing scumbag who hates immigrants and women. (Or maybe that’s just an illusion created by the so-called liberal media. And your staff. And wife.)

As I’ve mentioned in my blog, it makes me sad that Republicans had four years to come up with a good candidate and you turned out to be the best they can offer. And that’s after beating out gems such as Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.

But in addition to all the other reasons I have not to like you, I have one more: You can’t spell.

Look, you can blame your staff, or lack thereof. I know you are searching for a copywriter. It doesn’t matter to me. You want to be in charge, so you have to take responsibility for every part of your campaign — especially when you want to make education a big part of your platform.

Just so you know, I’m not happy with Obama either. He’s had spelling errors too. But at least he doesn’t remind me of a used-car salesman. (And he treats his dog better.)

Able to spell and vote,
Beth

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Moving status update: Another letter to Dad

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , on May 17, 2012| 10 Comments »

Dear Dad*,

I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is you’ll be able to see your grandsons more than once a year because we are not moving to Saudi Arabia.

The bad news is that Eddie and I are divorcing (which is OK under Deut. 22:13-21 because, well …). In the course of our research into how we should be behaving, we realized that we shouldn’t be married at all (Ezra 9:1-2). I had no idea I wasn’t supposed to marry a foreigner (and those Puerto Ricans are most definitely foreign to me). Plus, the Apostle Paul specifically states that light should not have fellowship with darkness (2 Corinthians 6:14). You’ve seen Eddie.

As it turns out, gay marriage does indeed lead to a Pandora’s box of heinousness such as group marriage, pedophilia and bestiality.

In our case, just talking about it led to this:

He says her name is Michelle and they are very happy together. I’m devastated, of course, but putting on a brave front for the kids’ sake (our kids, not hers).

Thanks for your support in this difficult time.

Love,
Beth

* Clarification (I can’t believe I need to provide one): This post and the preceding one are completely satirical. Please don’t send me hate mail.

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Moving day approaches: A letter to my dad

Posted in Politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2012| 18 Comments »

Dear Dad,

I hope you and Katherine are doing well. Eddie and I are fine, except we are going to have to move. Now that President Obama is “leading a war on traditional marriage,” we are investigating other countries to inhabit. (I am so glad Rush Limbaugh pointed out Obama’s transgressions to us. You know we look to him for advice because of his four traditional marriages’ worth of experience.)

Unfortunately, developed countries such as Belgium, Canada, Spain, Sweden and the Netherlands are out as they also support the abomination that is a union between two people who love each other. I mean two people who love each other who are also of the same gender, of course. The horror!

Like our friends in North Carolina, we certainly cannot condone that unnatural behavior. Leviticus 18:22 clearly states that someone cannot have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman. Despite the fact that appears to be good news for lesbians, we understand the intent.

I want you to know that Eddie and I also plan to abide by other passages of Leviticus. For example, we’re going to make sure we eat the leftover sacrifices on the first or second day. We had no idea that the sacrifices became impure on Day Three (Lev. 19:27). Eddie knows he can’t eat any of the offerings until he gets rid of that nasty Athlete’s foot (Lev. 22:4).

Also, I may have taken the Lord’s name in vain, so Eddie has told Shirtless George next door that he can gather a posse of fellow Shriners and stone me to death (Lev. 24:16). No one can prove that I did it, though, so I may be OK. We do plan to have a word with Mrs. Hope on Victory Drive, however. She clearly doesn’t realize that she is flirting with a stoning of her own (Lev. 20:27).

The good news is that we are going to have help moving because we can buy some people (Lev. 25:45). We also have plenty of places to choose from for our new home. Much of Africa and the Middle East have varying penalties for homosexuality.

I hear Saudi Arabia is nice this time of year, and they have the sense to have the death penalty to punish the gays. Of course, I won’t be able to drive there. If we women could drive, of course, it would “provoke a surge in prostitution, pornography, homosexuality and divorce.” We can’t have that. (And I’m sure I’ll get used to wearing an abaya.)

We’ll miss you and Katherine, Dad, but you know we just can’t have the gays running around and being happy together, let alone paying taxes and expecting equal treatment.

I know this sounds different from what I’ve said in the past, but I’ve seen the error of my ways. Thanks to Fox Nation, Pat Buchanan and Rush, of course, Eddie and I now realize that the gays are destroying our marriage (and here I thought it was all the time I spent ignoring him when I was working on my dissertation). During this dark time for heterosexual marriage, we now know that we must look to beacons of hope such as Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, Newt Gingrich, and, of course, Rush himself to educate us on how traditional marriage is supposed to work.

If Saudi Arabia doesn’t work out, there’s always the Moon. Newt won’t allow a bunch of gays up there, I’m sure. I know he’s out of the race for 2012, but there’s always hope for 2016.

Love always,
Beth

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