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Tonight’s feature? Risky Business starring Brian Kemp [insert eye-roll emoji] #TuesdayTips

May 5, 2020 by Beth

Dear Gov. Kemp:

Can I call you Brian? What about Ronald ’cause YOU’RE A CLOWN.

Right. I’m not a comedian. Got it.

Look, I understand that I’m not running the state (not that you really are either, with any success, in my opinion). I understand that you are trying to balance pressure from a variety of sources. I understand that you can’t please everyone.

But dude, the CDC is — as we say in the South — just down the road a piece.

I’m not a scientist (in this case, being a communications researcher doesn’t count), so I will believe those who are. And you can’t swing a cat without hitting one at the CDC. So I’m guessing NO ONE was surprised at this headline after you “reopened” Georgia last week.

Even Trump criticized you. Trump! That’s a surprise.

And you’re doubling down. That’s not a surprise.

In my mind, your actions led to this:

That’s from last weekend, Gov. That’s a flock of people who don’t care about social distancing. Many of them were out to watch the Blue Angels’ tribute to health workers.

Um.

  1. If you don’t want people to gather, don’t stage this event!
  2. That flyover cost taxpayer money that I — a taxpayer — would prefer benefit small businesses.

I’m not blaming you for the Saturday event. I am blaming you for letting people think the fight against Coronavirus is over. It’s clearly not.

I mean, I guess I should be happy that I’m in Atlanta, instead of cities such as Chicago, Los Angeles, Sacramento, Lansing and Raleigh where people are protesting stay-at-home orders, claiming it is an overreaction. Of course, they are doing this WHILE WEARING MASKS.

 🙄

Listen, I’ve been trying really hard not to write about politics here. (In fact, it has been more than three years.) In these polarized times, any criticism of a Republican brings on name calling of the “libtard” and “snowflake” variety (among other names not suitable for a family blog). I’m technically an independent voter. I do, in fact, think for myself when I vote, instead of voting along party lines. But, full disclosure, I didn’t vote for you because I think you are kinda dumb, just like the masked protesters.

Sorry. Not sorry.

You know what Forrest Gump’s mama always said.

You can fix that by listening to people who know more about a subject than you do.

I know you want Georgia to be No. 1 in something.

Can it just not be cases of COVID-19 and deaths?

Thanks for your consideration,
Beth, a registered voter who has a valid ID and votes in every election

Posted in Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Parenting a girl who reminds us of, well, us #SundayStories

May 3, 2020 by Beth

Dear Readers,
Julia and I have been friends since we were kids. We had a shared interest in harassing our other friends. (Like the time we wore togas down a busy road to bother visit Taft, Cindy and Carleton.) Our mothers’ curses came true: We ended up with children just like us. Here are some stories about her middle child, Ainsley.
Enjoy!
Beth

Happy times for Julia and Ainsley

Dear Beth,
As one of your oldest and dearest friends, I have thoroughly enjoyed your stories about parenting your two amazing and handsome boys. But having two boys myself, I would like to introduce you to the unique joys of parenting a girl – particularly my girl – Ainsley Nora.
After coming into the world with severe colic (which I had no idea could fully re-emerge from age 11 -17!), she has kept us on our toes. I am not half the writer you are (sorry, Mrs. Reagan and Mrs. Wise) so I’ve decided to offer you the best Ainsley Nora stories in Top 10 format.
  1. The time she insulted a friend. When Ainsley was 2 or 3, my dear friend Diane came to visit from San Diego. While Diane and I were enjoying a glass of wine and a chat, Ainsley came over and in her best stage (aka “Irish”) whisper announced, “I don’t like that girl!” She then proceeded to fly upstairs and rifle through Diane’s luggage. Diane subsequently discovered that her book was missing. We went into Ainsley’s room and discovered her lounging in bed, legs crossed, immersed in “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” even though it was upside down.
  2. The second time she insulted a friend. When Ainsley was 3 or 4, I invited over Jennifer, my new friend from work. Ainsley had recently received a large makeup case as a gift. She proceeded to wander by Jennifer multiple times with her makeup case as if she were a “Price is Right” model showcasing her wares. At the point Jennifer expressed interest, Ainsley snapped the case shut practically amputating Jennifer’s hand in the process and then stormed off in a huff.
  3. The third time she insulted a friend. When Ainsley was 5 or 6, my friend brought her daughter Mia over. Mia, who was around 2, was playing on the front porch, while Ann and I enjoyed a cocktail (seeing a theme here) while watching her from the front window. Ainsley came in the house from playing with friends, and, nodding her head toward the front porch, said “Hello! Stolen???” as if we were the most inept adults in the world.
  4. ONE of the times she insulted her brothers. The first time I let my youngest son Elias (our favorite per Ainsley) take a shower, I was downstairs and heard a huge clu-clunk and crying. I rushed upstairs to find him lying face down on the shower floor with Ainsley (and Cullen, my oldest) observing, “Look how hairy his back is – so gross.” Note that she also had a history of yelling, “Bring it on freckle face!” when she is the most freckled of the three.
  5. The time she got in a fight with her cousin. Ainsley and her cousin Mairead are the same age. One day after preschool, I had them at a little play table eating lunch. I don’t know what Mairead said to Ains, but I see Ainsley get up, walk around the play table and say, “You don’t want to be my best friend, Mairead? You don’t want to be my best cousin? YOU’RE GOING DOWN, MAIREAD!”
  6. The time she insulted a civic group. This is partly my husband’s fault as his family’s motto is “Nobody standing still is up to any good.” My kids are not allowed to loiter anywhere. On the way home from school, Ainsley sees a gang of no-gooders and screams, “Look at that bunch of vagrants!” It was a group of Boy Scouts standing on the church lawn.
  7. The time she insulted the elderly. OK, this one is actually funny. One time we were driving past an old-folks home, and Ainsley announced to her friends, “Look, that’s where they keep all the grandmas!”
  8. The time Ainsley threw me under the bus. As a working mom, I never felt like I did my share but I always tried to volunteer for at least one or two events a year to keep the guilt at bay. After several sucky assignments, they were looking for yoga teachers for fitness day. Sign me up! Unfortunately all the other moms had signed up for yoga, so I was asked to do the neighborhood walk with Ainsley’s class, a bunch of dads and the teacher, Mrs. Marshalka. Unfortunately the walk went right by our house, so Mrs. Marshalka paused and said, “And this is Ainsley Nora’s house!” With the entire crowd looking at her, Ainsley decided to deflect with, “My mom cries when she doesn’t get her way.” Those who know me know I DO NOT CRY!
  9. The time she “accidentally” swallowed a quarter. The school nurse called to tell me that Ainsley swallowed a quarter during class. “Mom, I really had to cough, and I was trying to be polite and cover my mouth and forgot I had a quarter in my hand,” she told me. After my husband took her to the ER, our babysitter, Danielle, told us that Ainsley had been asking her for weeks what would happen if she swallowed a quarter and would she get an X-ray (she did). (She and Mairead were also known to crank call 911. Why Danielle stayed with us all those years is beyond me!)
  10. The time she said she would rather have Coronavirus than be stuck “in this house with you people!” Also, “Mom, can I take a gap year if I get on ‘Survivor?'” Yes, yes you can, Ainsley.

She reminds me of you in all the best ways.
Julia

 

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Day 48 of Coronacation: Hobbies and hairstyles! #(no)TravelTuesday #TuesdayTreasures

April 28, 2020 by Beth

Dear ‘Rona:

One of the things you have forced us all to do is to spend more time with the people in our house — for better or worse. I like to look on the bright side, so I’m trying to focus on the things I’ve enjoyed.

1. Playing board games with the family. Even the arguments have been fun.

We played Payday. The miser (aka Gideon) climbed to the top of the paper-money ladder.

Dominic played Monopoly for the first time and landed on Park Place his first trip around the board. Then he rolled snake eyes. Before long I was out on a corner with a cardboard sign (virtually, of course).

2. Playing video games with the family.

Mortal Kombat 10 doesn’t have Sindel? I’m out.

3. Playing games with friends via Houseparty.

This is (supposedly) a jaguar. Look: I know. Take it up with Royce. He drew it.

4. Harassing Dominic regularly.

“Lord, MAN! Please sit up straight. You are KILLING me.”

“Stop guzzling the orange juice. And shut the refrigerator door!”

5. Watching trashy reality shows with Gideon. (He’s my regular TV buddy.)

I like Jersey Shore Family Vacation this time of yee-ah!

6. Recreating trashy reality shows in the privacy of our own home.

Eddie set up “Love is Blind” in the garage as a fun treat for me.

7. Taking a road trip with Gideon, as he also is going crazy.

We went to Athens to visit the tree that owns itself. That’s right.

Look how happy we are to be outside!

8. Riding our bikes to the store.

My thighs were BURNING. That’s why we are walking the bikes. Y’all: I miss my Biddy Boot Camp at the Y.

9. Having time to color hair if asked.

Gideon wanted red hair.

So he got red hair.

10. Being ecstatic when someone else shaves his.

Doesn’t he look great?

11. Obeying social distancing rules with friend-who-is-nearly-family Kalen.

We are both rule followers.

12. Taking up new hobbies.

Hand knitting with chunky blanket yarn!

Two different blankets, two different stitches. When I take on a hobby, I TAKE ON A HOBBY!

See! I’m trying to stay positive in these trying times you caused.

But I can’t remain optimistic forever.

So please go away.

Thanks!
Beth

Posted in Apartment life, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Enjoy the Download Festival experience from home @DownloadFest #ThursdayThoughts

April 23, 2020 by Beth

Dear Readers,

As summer gets closer, and we are all still on our forced Coronacation, those summer plans are on shaky ground. One casualty is the annual Download Festival in Leicestershire, England. Americans: Think metal Coachella or Lollapalooza (which are surprisingly still on as of today).

Here’s a post from Tara to help you recreate the experience while in isolation. (It reminds me a little of my low-rent spa suggestion.)

See you soon! (Maybe. With any luck.)
Beth

Oh those innocent days when we could wear other people like clothing and gaze lovingly into the eyes of our metal idols.

How to have a Download Festival experience during the Coronacalypse
By Tara W.

For those of you gutted (Note from Beth for Americans: That means devastated) by the cancellation of Download Festival this year let me try to help you recreate it from the comfort of your home.

  1. Drive to the furthest part of your village/town/city, and park your car.
  2. Walk back to your house.
  3. Put your tent up in your garden/lounge (Note from Beth for Americans: Living room). It’s best to use a pop-up tent if you are putting it in your lounge.
  4. If you have an additional tent, put it up right in front of the doorway of the tent you intend to sleep in.
  5. Scatter the area around your tent with empty cigarette packets/bottles/crisp packets (Note from Beth for Americans: Crisps are potato chips).
  6. Crap and piss in a bucket to give to you the correct aroma. Do NOT clean the bucket.
  7. Play some great and some not-so-great rock/metal tunes.
  8. Make burgers or grass wraps (for the vegetarians), and charge yourself at least £8 (Note from Beth to Americans: That’s $9.88 in today’s money).
  9. Pour yourself a pint/short of your favourite beverage, making sure you charge yourself at least £5 (Note from Beth to Americans: A short is liquor — like a shot — and that’s $6.17). Put said beverage in the microwave for eight seconds to get it to the right temperature, and put a bit of grass in it.
  10. When you have finished your weekend, go and collect your car.

I hope this helps! 😉🤘

Posted in Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments »

My version of the @Facebook album challenge #TuesdayTunes

April 21, 2020 by Beth

Dear Fred,

Thanks for tagging me in the “10 albums” challenge on Facebook. I don’t trust myself to remember to go on Facebook every day to post an album, so I’m going to just do it all at once here. And I’m going to break the rules again by adding commentary. I’m also adding parameters.

The following are the important albums of my “formative years.”

1. Shaun Cassidy, “Shaun Cassidy.” Shaun was my first celebrity crush. The garbage man was my first crush, according to my bemused mother. My mother made the mistake of telling me that Shaun was performing in Atlanta but that I was too young to go. I wept so hard my album (yes, I still have it) has watermarks from my extensive tears. Side story: I was singing “Da Doo Ron Ron” when I flipped over the handlebars of my bike and knocked out my front tooth.

2. Donny Osmond, “Donny Osmond Superstar.” My mother, God rest her soul, did not learn her lesson with Shaun. Once again, she told me he was performing in Atlanta, and, once again, I was deemed too young to go. Again, I wept. The cardboard album cover bears witness.

3. The Monkees, “The Monkees.” I watched the TV show in repeats on one of the three channels we got. Micky was my favorite, and we were supposed to get married. Perhaps he is the reason I have such a penchant for the rhythm section.

 

4. Duran Duran, “Girls on Film.” Getting cable — specifically MTV — changed my life. This began my habit of jonesing for Brits.

5. Adam Ant, “Friend or Foe.” Adam broke from his Ants to make the album that made him a household name. Though we recently broke up, I wish him well.

6. The Romantics, “In Heat.” I was in heaven when The Romantics toured with Adam as the opening act. This album also brought about one of my most painful memories. All my guy friends were into Rush and AC/DC. I suggested they listen to this, and gave one of them a cassette. A few days later, I got the cassette back — the innards in a pile on my desk. My “friends” were looking at me slyly to see my reaction. I felt my face begin to burn, and I left the classroom so they wouldn’t get the satisfaction of seeing me cry. These fellows have grown into lovely people, but I can’t erase this memory.

7. Van Halen, “1984.” Van Halen is only Van Halen if David Lee Roth is singing. Fight me. (I’ll DM you a Zoom link.)

8. Living Colour, “Vivid.” This was the first CD I bought. I played it and XTC’s “Oranges & Lemons” over and over on my five-disc CD player.

9. The Replacements, “Pleased to Meet Me.” The Placemats joined Sonic Youth, Soul Asylum, Hüsker Dü, Butthole Surfers, Love Tractor, Dead Kennedys, Big Audio Dynamite, Black Flag and the Pixies on heavy rotation during this period. That reminds me …

10. The Pixies, “Doolittle.” I recently saw them in concert. Still amazing. I do miss Kim Deal, though.

There you have it, Fred: My walk down memory lane.

Thanks for the prompt!
Beth

 

Posted in Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Simon in situ: A guest post #SundayStories @JessesDivide

April 19, 2020 by Beth

Dear Readers:

Many of you know someone who has or had the ‘Rona. I do too: Simon, lead singer and guitarist for Jesse’s Divide (a band I’ve mentioned too many times to count). He is finally on the mend, and he agreed to write about his experience (you know I love a good guest post). He thinks he got it during a visit to the grocery store. Here’s his story.

Stay healthy and active,
Beth

Simon (top right) chats with Rob (top left) and Nick (bottom) — the other members of Jesse’s Divide — while all are in captivity, and Simon is on the mend.

Hi Beth!

You asked me to describe to you my recent setback, as though you take a great interest in my pain. (Note from Beth to Simon: I wouldn’t say I’m interested in your pain. I’m interested in your story. I’m a journalist!)

I woke on Monday (April 6) feeling okay, but as the day went on, I started to develop hangover-type symptoms: light headache and a pain behind the eyes. Thought nothing more of it, and carried on as normal. That evening was when things took a turn. I started with a high temperature. My head was hot, my body was cold, and I was sweating and shaking constantly. I had no idea what was going on because I thought – “I don’t get ill; I’m too healthy.” (Note from Beth: Simon is vegan but could live on Oreos, apparently.)

Tuesday morning, I woke up looking as though I’d just stepped out of a swimming pool. Again, hot head, cold body, dripping in sweat. Decide to have a shower. As I clean the assets, I go lightheaded, lose my breath and collapse. I have to bang on the bath for someone; I can’t shout because I can’t catch my breath. My chest is tight and I’m like Miles Dyson during his death scene in “Terminator 2,” only holding a showerhead, not a detonator. Fortunately, my wife Aimee hears me and helps me out.

The day continues with an unbelievable headache (the worst I have ever had; it was like someone had inflated my head to bursting point, and people were screaming behind my eyes), shortness of breath, intermittent cough, and hot and cold sweats.

These symptoms didn’t ease off until Sunday, when I started to breathe normally again. Around Thursday I was forced to take some paracetamol. My wife, my mother and a doctor friend all insisted I had to. I’m stubborn when it comes to medication, but this really helped me to get back on my feet, and I should have listened to them sooner. (Note from Beth to Simon: YES. Remember this later.)

Now, the added bonuses: My dreams were messed up. I was in the “Tiger King” documentary at least twice, and a reccurring dream was of me situated in a familiar black void next to a house-sized steel-pressing machine. The machine would press and laser-cut bits of steel and throw them out to me. All these pieces would mould (Note from Beth: “Mold” for the Americans.) into each other through a portal containing a world of jigsaw-style steel parts. This happened every night.

Another joy of this was that I couldn’t keep down large quantities of water. If I had more than half a small glass, I’d have the runs! (Note from Beth: Delightful!)

ANNNNNNND, aside from my head, do you know what was the most painful part of my body through all this? My hips. MY HIPS! I mean – how?!?! I had to rub tiger balm on them every night. (Note from Beth: Tiger balm = Tiger King dreams.)

With a family around me and two young kids, I had to isolate from everyone and Aimee was following me around with disinfectant spray! (Note from Beth: I totally get it.) I couldn’t hold or go near my wife and kids for 12 days. That was unbelievably difficult.

So that’s my fight with the virus. By far the most debilitating thing I’ve been through. I’m on something like Day 13 now, and I’m still dizzy with a tight chest. The headache has gone, and I can walk about again!

I consider myself healthy, and I very rarely get ill, so I thought, I’m very unlikely to be affected by this.

Boy, was I wrong! It’s not something I’d wish on someone, but I’m grateful now that perhaps I’m somewhat immune. I have felt how it impacts the body, and for those in a more vulnerable physical position than me, it’s clear to see how it can take lives.

Please stay safe. Don’t be dicks.
Simon

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My mind? Bye Bye Bye #FridayFeeling

April 16, 2020 by Beth

Y’all:

I’m losing it.

I’m losing my mind.

I don’t know what day it is. Most of the time I can’t remember what month it is.

I used the wrong version of your/you’re in a text. I corrected myself before sending, but still.

It’s that bad.

I’ve finished Netflix. All of it.

I don’t want to watch TV anymore.

I don’t want to read.

I don’t want to cook; I’ve made enough food to feed everyone within a five-mile radius.

Now I’m setting goals that seem unusual even for me.

Look:

  • Finish my Greatest Boy Band Songs Ever playlist.
  • Make sure it features no more than two songs per band and is in chronological order by band.
  • Learn the choreography to “Bye Bye Bye.”
  • Wonder what happened to Color Me Badd.
  • Do some actual research and discover some shocking behavior on the part of the worse-for-wear Bryan K. Abrams.
  • Google the zodiac sign for Micky Dolenz. (He’s a Pisces. Of course.)
  • Make an exception to Point 2 for One Direction because Harry Styles.
  • Write a fan letter to Harry Styles.
  • Cut off some of my hair to send to Harry Styles.
  • Consider therapy to identify why I would do either of the two things above.
  • Consider therapy to identify why I would do any of the things on this list, really.
MmmHMMM. Call me, Harry.

Dear GOD. Who am I?

Send help.

Sincerely,
Beth, owner of a jello mind

Posted in Apartment life, Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

There’s no place like a hosed-down home #TuesdayTrials #(no)TravelTuesday

April 14, 2020 by Beth

Dear Reckitt Benckiser:

I really wish I had Loefflered up and bought your stock before Coronavirus came calling.

But I never felt the need to bathe in Lysol before.

Look. Listen. You can’t be too careful.

I’ve created an airlock downstairs. Everything coming into the house gets wiped down or sprayed.

The mail too.

Everything.

Even people.

Dominic came in after work. (Yes, he has a job at Publix. No, I’m not thrilled he is going. He informed me he needs the money to hang out “wit da boys.” He means online via Doom.)

Me (from the couch): Did you spray yourself?
Him (sighing): Yes.
Me: Even your back?
(Sound of a little baby spray)

So we are going through plenty of your product. And there is a shortage. You are aware. We all are aware.

I’m waiting patiently, but my supply can’t last forever, even though it seems like this pandemic will.

Wishing you a speedy resupplying process.

Your sanitizing sentry,
Beth

 

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Stuck at home with teenagers #movethecabbage #ThursdayThoughts

April 9, 2020 by Beth

 

Dear Dominic,

If spending more time with you has shown me anything, it’s that you are incredibly resourceful — when you really want something. Specifically something you are not supposed to have.

If you don’t? You’re as helpless as Mr. Krabs molting.

Por ejemplo:

Your regular schoolwork dipshittery earned you a week without Wi-Fi for your various apparatus.

Though you pretend to be a Luddite, you certainly MacGyvered your way into connectivity. (I didn’t even know you knew what an Ethernet cable was or that we had one.)

But then you called for backup to find the lunch meat.

Lunch meat, Dominic.

Remember this conversation?

You (banging around in the refrigerator): There’s no meat!
Me: Yes, there is.
You (getting loud): No, there’s not!
Me (shockingly calm in the face of teenage attitude): Look in the drawer on the bottom left.
You (louder): I’m looking! All I see is a cabbage.
Me (sighing): Move the cabbage.
You: Oh.

“Move the cabbage.” It’s like the Coronacation version of “Who Moved My Cheese.”

I really hope this is just typical teenager behavior, and you’ll grow out of it. I am not a helicopter parent. I don’t plan to have you live with me forever.

You must learn to move the cabbage on your own.

Love,
Mama

Posted in Apartment life, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

What is this? Just something in my eye! #TuesdayTransformation

April 7, 2020 by Beth

Hey all you cool cats and kittens!

I like to try to make people laugh. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I am Chandler. I like to pretend everything is OK.

Everything is not OK.

  • There’s so much uncertainty.
  • I don’t like staying at home.
  • I burned the gyoza I took so much time to make because I was preoccupied by being sad.
  • I’m rarely sad, so that was a surprise.
  • There’s a woman at work who hates me, and I don’t know why.
  • We don’t have any toilet paper. (I’m kidding. Old habits die hard.)

I miss working out. There: I said it. I know you’re shocked.

I miss all of you.

I miss normal life.

I took going out to see live music for granted. Going to restaurants. To festivals. To the beach. Seeing friends and family whenever I wanted.

I have so much to be thankful for:

  • I have a job.
  • I have a job I like.
  • I like my boss.
  • Eddie is a funny person.
  • He has a job.
  • The kids are great. Really!
  • None of us has the ‘Rona.
  • I have fantastic friends and family with whom I can chat via Zoom, Skype, Hangouts, What’s App and Houseparty. I have options!
  • And a bidet. 😉

But the reality is that none of us knows how long this will last. And the leadership in this country is woefully inept.

For example, Gov. Kemp opened the Georgia beaches, superseding more restrictive local orders. He also said he didn’t know sometimes people were asymptomatic. 🙄

Sigh.

It’s hard. It’s harder for some than for me, but let me have my moment.

I’ll be fine tomorrow.

Take care of yourselves. I love you all.
Beth

 

Posted in Apartment life, Friends | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

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