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Going in style

This post is a little bit of a departure from my usual topics, but that seems to be the theme this week. And I need to report something important:

Women can pee standing up.

Physically, we always could, but not without a mess. Products such as “GoGirl” eliminate that problem.

I love the tagline for this “female urination device”: “Don’t take life sitting down.”

“GoGirl” is the discreet, clinical version of an FUD. And then there’s the “Shenis” — completely opposite of “GoGirl” in tone and appearance.

Compare:

vs.

Take a look at the sites for yourself. Perhaps size really does matter (and gold silicone).

“Operation Jaws”

Well, the story of the Sharm el-Sheikh shark just got weirder. I thought the anthropomorphism was bad, but the story 36-hour Tina forwarded is much worse.

Read and marvel at the full article. This is an image of the “spy” shark, taken moments before one of the attacks.

Wait — are those robotic fins and laser beams I see? And the Israeli flag too?

I saw “Jaws” at an impressionable age, so I don’t swim in the ocean. Water up to my knees is fine, thank you very much. I’m fascinated by shark attacks, so this tweet caught my eye:

Is this the finned marauder responsible for an attack on tourists in the water near Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt?

Maybe. Maybe not.

The amazing thing about this story is the anthropomorphism of sharks.

Look, people, it’s a shark, not the Bikini Killer. If you don’t want to be lunch, stay out of the water. It’s that simple.

First, the good news

My friend Tina and I just spent 36 hours together in New York City.* We’ve been friends for more than 20 years, so getting together with her is like wearing your favorite broken-in shoes. (Not that I’m comparing my friend to footwear, of course.)

While together, we:

  • sampled some wine and cheese at Eataly. (This place is amazing! You can drink wine while you shop for all kinds of delicious products. There’s a whole cooler just for sausage!)

One of those topics was pessimistic vs. optimistic people. She and I tend to be optimistic, but there are those in our circles who are most certainly not.

A faulty washer and subsequent flood does tend to cloud the sunny disposition, though.

Imagine this floor with two inches of water:

Intrigued? Yes, a sad little story follows.

We stayed in Tina’s sister’s place on the Upper West Side — a fantastic Riverside Drive address. Marion was in Florida and graciously let us stay. In return, we wanted to leave the place tidy with clean sheets. Tina left very early yesterday morning, so my job was to wash the sheets using the washer/dryer in the kitchen.

After the rinse cycle, I went into the kitchen and found the flood. Expletives followed. I spent an hour and a half physically mopping and mentally freaking. (Side note: I’ve met Marion three times, maybe.)

I even had to move the refrigerator.

As Tina’s other sister, Ann, remarked, “No good deed goes unpunished.”

I called Tina and left a message for Marion. Then the super appeared. Glenn was alerted to a water problem by a tenant on the 12th floor. Marion lives on the 16th floor. Yep. It was that bad.

Thus began a series of unfortunate events that challenged this optimistic person. So let’s look at those events from two points of view.

WASHER LEAK

The dark side: Massive flood that trickled down four flights and seeped into parquet floors — in the condo of a woman I barely know.

The bright side: I was still in the place when it happened. And Marion came home to clean sheets!

FEDEX SHIPPING (I offered to take another round of packages to FedEx for Tina, and I needed to send some of my own. The closest place wanted to charge $80, so I had to find an actual FedEx shipping center — 20 blocks away.)

The dark side: I carried 30 pounds of packages 20 blocks.

The bright side: I need the exercise, and my biceps got a workout.

AIRPORT RUSH (Because of all of the above, I ended up running late to get to La Guardia. To make matters worse, I had to get to the airport during Friday afternoon rush hour. I took the subway to 125th street and waited for the M60 bus. After a long wait during which I was silently screaming more expletives, I suggested to the four other La Guardia-bound people that we share a cab. They agreed, and the four of us got to the airport at 6:15 p.m. My plane was supposed to leave at 7!)

The dark side: I waited 45 minutes in the cold for a bus that never came, and then shared a cab with strangers. During the ride, I nearly soiled myself out of fear that I was going to miss my flight — the last direct one of the night.

The bright side: I made my flight, and even landed a little early. Plus, I met some interesting new people who all made their flights also.

I always say that it is great when good things happen. But if something bad happens, there is still something good: It makes a great story.

Hope you enjoyed mine!

* While in New York, I also had a lunch date with frequent blog contributor He Who Has Three Names: Shane Marshall Brown. Yay!

Tattoo you

I’m long overdue for a post about tattoo errors. Thanks to Anna for reminding me that hideousness exists outside of signs. And this hideousness is permanent.

Feast your eyes on these lovely examples of idiocy (of the bearer and creator):

At Least the Error Distracts from the Triteness of the Sentiment

Lord Give Me Strenght

The Revoluption Will Not Be Televised

Your Bluffing!

Latin for "Fail"

The top one is the only one that a tattoo artist can fix without too much trouble. The rest? Se jodio.

These are from a site dedicated to featuring the ugliest tattoos. (Warning: You could get sucked into hanging out on this site for hours!)

Maybe I should send in this photo I took at the Summer Redneck Games. It fits in rather well, doesn’t it?

Symbol of thanks

On this day of thanksgiving, I am thankful for family, friends, health, a great job, and all of the usual things.

And I’m also thankful for punctuation.

  • Quotation marks: Thank you for telling us when someone else starts talking and finishes, helping us recognize exact language in other instances, and also when a word is not being used in its usual sense. I feel awful that people incorrectly use you to emphasize a word.
  • Parentheses: Without you, we would not know that the writer is offering an aside (information that is useful, but not crucial).
  • Brackets: You are underused, I think, because people don’t know what to do with you. You set text apart, insert some information, identify clarifications, enclose missing material, and help out in math. Perhaps you are not as common as [several other marks] but you are useful nonetheless. Thanks!
  • Ellipsis: People like to add to you. But it’s nice that you have just three simple characters … and that you show that the writer omitted something.
  • Hyphen: Thank you for connecting words to modify a noun. Without you, the phrase “dirty-movie theater” wouldn’t be as interesting. We also appreciate the way you create numbers, show time periods and create fractions.
  • Dash: You are another mark with substance — like a super hyphen — to show change in thought or that the speaker has been interrupted. Thank you for your heavy lifting. (Note: I’m talking about the “em dash” here. AP Style doesn’t recognize the “en dash,” so I don’t either.)
  • Question mark: Do you know how useful you are? Thank you for allowing us to ask a question. And in Spanish, you get all fancy!
  • Exclamation point: You are the sad victim of abuse. It’s terrible! When used sparingly, you provide an element of excitement. Thank you!
  • Apostrophe: Thank you for letting us know what belongs to whom, and when some letters are missing. You’re the best!
  • Comma: We appreciate your ability to link similar items, but also show difference.
  • Semicolon: You’re like a super comma; we celebrate you because you are completely awesome.
  • Colon: You are more substantial than a comma or semicolon, but not quite as burly as a period. In addition to making introductions, you do other important things: separate hours from minutes, chapter from verse, and two numbers in a proportion. Thanks.
  • Period: We celebrate your ability to end a thought. Period.

Thank you, handy symbols — not just today, but every day!

Sad state of affairs

After reading some of the things people post on Facebook and Twitter and then having an e-mail argument with my sons’ barely literate soccer coach*, I’m even more concerned about the sad state of education in the United States.

Even John Cusack needs help.

I asked the students in my Business and Professional Writing class if they ever had to diagram a sentence. I was happy to see that most of them had, and they had done it in middle school.

Clearly some teachers are paying attention to fundamentals.

So can anyone explain this?

Or this?

I’d better not watch “Waiting for Superman” if I want to stay out of a fetal position.

 

*The apostrophe placement is correct; my sons play on the same team.

Not quite ready for MMA*

You may have noticed in my posts about going to the dreaded gym that I had not attended a kickboxing class. And kickboxing is kind of a staple of every group class lineup.

OK, I was afraid.

And it seemed weird because that’s what Eddie teaches at Club SCAD. I’m not about to take one of his classes, for reasons that are probably obvious to married couples.

That all changed Tuesday when the kickboxing groupies at the Y sort of swept me into that class after the “Awesome Abs” class. I rationalized it as a good way to continue lowering my cholesterol. (The doctor said my elevated cholesterol could be genetics, or might not be. That’s doctor-speak for “Put down the bacon, Woman.”)

I lasted 30 minutes in the class. There was a lot of kicking and pseudo-boxing, naturally, and some jumping jacks, which equaled uncomfortable jiggling.

That could be me in the green, checking to make sure the leg's not broken.

The moves were easier to pick up than Zumba, so I think I might grow to like it.

I’ll just wear a better bra.

 

* Mixed martial arts

Gideon has been very interested in music lately, and I’ve been playing all sorts of music for him. I try to give him a little history of the song and the artist as we’re listening.

I’ve been feeling very Jack Black from “School of Rock” (which I watched again today).

My musical taste is all over the place — everything except rap and classical. Yet I’m afraid my favorite songs can be classified as white girl music.

To illustrate this, and to make a cheap ploy to get comments on my blog (even if they mock me), here is the list of songs I listen to in hell (ie. The Gym).

I refuse to be ashamed that Britney Spears and Hanson are on this list. Let the mocking begin.

Object of my (dis)affection

Why is it so hard for people to know when to use “I” and “me” in a sentence?

I think it is easy. It is easy for me. Subject vs. object.

I blame Bryan Adams, Lady Gaga, and, yes, even Stevie Wonder.

People hear songs with pronouns used incorrectly and must think, “Well, if Stevie does it, it must be right.”

Here we are on earth together,
It’s you and I. — Stevie Wonder, “You and I”

Yeah something about
Baby you and I. — Lady Gaga, “You and I”

She says her love for me could never die
But that’d change if she ever found out about you and I. — Bryan Adams, “Run to You”

In all of these cases, the proper pronoun is “me.” The indicator for the last two is the word “about.” That word is a preposition. The pronouns are objects of that prepositional phrase.
An easy way to tell which word to use is to take out “you and.” If you do that, the Lady and Dudes just sound silly:
  • “It’s I”
  • “Something about I”
  • “Found out about I”

Don’t be afraid of “me.”