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Redneck Games: Fun for the whole family

July 10, 2010 by Beth

Sometimes I love (LOVE!) living in the South.

One reason: The annual Redneck Games in East Dublin.

They began in 1996 in response to the jokes about Rednecks hosting the official Olympic Games in Atlanta. They feature stellar events such as Redneck Horseshoes (with toilet seats), Armpit Serenade, Bobbin’ for Pigs’ Feet, Watermelon Seed Spitting and the Mudpit Belly Flop.

I’ve wanted to go for years, but something always happens to ruin my plans.

This year, I was determined to go. I started badgering Trish two months ago to go with me. I finally got her to commit yesterday. Yesterday! She’s from Iowa, and I think Rednecks scare her.

I almost couldn’t sleep last night. It was like Christmas.

Let me share this magical day with you via a photo essay. Come on the amazing journey, and learn all you should know. (TH=Trish took the photo, BC=I took it)

It began with gator kabobs. (TH)

All dressed up with somewhere to go. (TH)

No festival in the South is complete without the General Lee. (BC)

The band knew their Skynyrd. (TH)

And we knew how to fit in. (BC)

I found a replacement for Eddie. (BC)

And Eddie can have her. (BC)

Or maybe we could join this family. (BC)

Let the games begin with the Watermelon Seed Spitting Contest. (TH)

Overheard: "Where'd she spit it?" "She swallowed." (TH)

Nothin' like bobbin' for pigs' feet. (BC)

This girl could hold her own. (BC)

But this guy was the clear winner. (TH)

How could this lady be napping? And is that underwear on her face? (TH)

Soon it was time for the Mudpit Belly Flop. (TH)

Competitors displayed many techniques. (TH)

The couple that flops together stays together. (TH)

The odds on favorite was the "Redneck Granny." (TH)

Though she clearly isn't as agile as she used to be. (TH)

Redneck Granny still took the top prize. (TH)

And then it degenerated into a mêlée. (TH)

Pretty Princesses of the Pit. (TH)

And their handsome princes. (TH)

We went to the event, and all you get is a look at this lousy T-shirt. (TH)

And a gander at this guy's very chic, very permanent tattoo. (BC)

Stay classy, Dublin!

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Dan Gilbert needs help

July 9, 2010 by Beth

Despite the fact that I don’t give a rat’s ass where LeBron James ends up, I have not been able to escape the news (Miami). Apparently, there are some folks in the Buckeye State who are pretty pissed off — folks like Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, who wrote an open letter to fans of the Cavs.

I don’t really care about the letter, except to point out that someone should have proofread it with an eye toward unnecessary quotation marks. Take a look at this excerpt:

To make matters worse, that font is Comic Sans.

Posted in Grammar, etc. | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments »

Somebody’s watching me

July 7, 2010 by Beth

I haven’t posted about the chickens, Shelly and Jeanne, for a while.

It’s because I hate them.

They started it. They hated me first.

It doesn’t help that they are so much stinkier and messier than Trish was.

But they do seem more interested in me lately. They haven’t run quite as fast when I come out to give them food and water. And they’ve been peering in the window of the playroom, almost as if they are interested in what’s going on inside the house.

Jeanne and Shelly, Peeping Hens

But as they are looking in, certain someones are looking out.

Dinner!

This does not bode well.

Posted in Chickens | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Brokeback wrap

July 6, 2010 by Beth

It is Tuesday, July 6, and the last of the house guests just pulled out of the driveway. Almost one whole week of multiple comings and goings of great, longtime friends. Whew!

Guests in the house included the following (most at the same time):

Eggy, Sophia, Ava, Alex, Ida, Billy, Miwa, Niina, Felipe, Mana, Brenon, Janet, Brian, Joel, James R., Patrick, Petra, Ryder, Mia, James G., Deb, Bear, Cassie, David, Cissy, Salua, Aisha and Sasha.

That’s a grand total of 28 unique visitors. And then add the four of us. And three dogs.

There were two tents in the back yard, filled with four guys one night (with surround-sound snoring provided by Alex and Billy), and five the next. (“Ennis, quit yer hammerin’ and get in here!”) Note: Pat bailed at the last minute. I was like Goldilocks in my own home. My room was too loud because it contained Brannens. Sophia’s room had an early-rising Baby Ava. So Ida and her air mattress became just right. Cozy!

The distance award could go to Billy and his family, as they flew in from Abu Dhabi. But they were coming anyway. So the award should go to Brian, who flew in from Santa Monica.

Injuries were minimal. Eddie has a pressure-washing slash thanks to Eggy, and the trampoline only claimed two victims: Billy and me. I did not break my toe (it was just bruised) and Billy’s strawberry (see below) is almost gone now. Brenon did not get injured. It’s a miracle!

Eddie says the injuries were limited because we didn’t put out the Slip ‘n’ Slide. He’s probably right.

There were numerous dogfights, but not the illegal gambling kind. Maggie and Pearl did not bond, and Maggie kicked her ass a couple of times. Then Maggie kicked Mona’s ass for good measure. Pearl also has a small singe mark from the fireworks (her own fault).

Facilities crew reunion: (left to right) Pat, Brenon, Alex, Bear, Eggy, Eddie, David, James, Billy, Brian, Joel and James. And there's Sophia horning in on the right. Holla!

There were lots of laughs, and that’s the whole reason Eddie wanted to stage this whole shebang. Maybe next time the ladies should buy plane tickets and send them out of town …

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Oh the humanity!

July 2, 2010 by Beth

Eddie and his friend Eggy are in outdoor clean-up mode in preparation for Brokeback Weekend. The kids were driving me batty inside, so Sophia (Eggy’s wife) and I decided to take Ava, their daughter, and Dominic and Gideon on an adventure: We went with the McKinnons and their two kids to the water park in Statesboro.

Splash in the Boro. Oh my. Where do I begin?

There’s clearly no shortage of food within a 50-mile radius. Or tattoo ink. Or Lycra. The kids had a lovely time in the splash pool while I dodged pale lady flanks. The boys and I did enjoy the “lazy river,” even though I felt like a Cheerio in a crowded cereal bowl.

We went early, but there were still WAY too many people in one place. The good thing is that if I had any body image issues, they’re all gone now. Next time, I’m wearing a bikini too!

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“Don’t Tase me, Bro!”

June 29, 2010 by Beth

For weeks now, I have given a pass to Savannah Morning News and the consistent inability to be consistent in spelling a particular word.

No more.

I just can’t take another day of opening the paper and seeing this:

Every time someone at the paper writes about the incident on Tybee, the editors use “Tazed” in the headline, but allow “Tased” in the body copy. (Here’s the link to today’s article.)

The proper name of the electroshock weapon is “Taser.” So if the weapon was used on someone, the proper verb form would be “Tased.”

However, AP Style — which is apparently foreign to folks at the SMN — does not approve of verb forms at all.

Better to say, “Tybee police used a Taser on an autistic teenager May 21.”

Or if you are going to ignore AP Style, at least be consistent in spelling.

Posted in Grammar, etc. | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Oh happy day!

June 28, 2010 by Beth

Eddie walked in the kitchen and said, “There was a box for you on the porch.”

This can only mean one thing: My Microbrewed Beer of the Month Club shipment arrived!

I sprinted to the door with scissors (yes, I just admitted to running with scissors) because this shipment is extra special.

I am the Member of the Month for June (read this post for the write-up of the day I found out). In addition to getting a month of membership free, I’m featured in the newsletter:

It is a very good day indeed.

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A letter to me

June 27, 2010 by Beth

A former student, Elyse, suggested that I take on a particular challenge: Write a letter to my 20-something self. (She got the idea from blogger Cassie Boorn.)

OK.

The only thing is, I’m not much for regrets. All experiences — especially the bad ones — shape us and make us the people we are. I have a decent self-esteem, so I’m fine with how I turned out. If anything in my history changed, I might now be living alone in a van down by the river.

But anyway, here goes the exercise:

Dear Self:

First, the good news: You are going to turn out fine, and you’ll end up having a great job, fun husband, smart kids and good friends. Now the bad news: It won’t be an easy path to get there.

Here’s some advice:

1. Send tapes — VHS, not Betamax — out everywhere, not just stations within a four-hour radius of your boyfriend.

2. Speaking of the boyfriend, break up with him soon. Yes, he’s hilarious and treats you well, but he’s not “the one.” Make an effort to keep him as a friend. If you let the relationship limp along to the end, he’ll be hurt and never want to speak to you again. And you’ll miss his friendship.

3. Don’t date the guy who comes next. Just don’t. And because you are stubborn and won’t listen to that advice, at least listen to this: Break up after your first argument. That really is the real him and that really is how he feels. Save yourself pages and pages of journal angst.

4. Thanks for trying to be a good girl (and thank you so much for not loading us up with STDs or an unplanned pregnancy), but you really should date more people. Don’t be in a hurry to settle down into monogamy. You’ll have plenty of that later. But don’t date the stick figure or the rodeo clown. Stick figure causes more journal angst, and the rodeo clown will make you fear for your life.

5. Only have one credit card and pay off the balance each month. For the love of God, please do this. You’ll add years to our life.

6. Stop going to antique stores. You really don’t need freaky old-lady doilies, mismatched china, and costume jewelry that leaves a greenish tinge on you when you wear it. Save your money for important stuff like traveling.

7. Travel extensively. Take the summer off after college and go to Europe or Botswana or wherever. Just go. You will never be that unencumbered again. And then, when you are older and in that great job, you will try desperately to make a student named Travis heed this advice. He will look at you skeptically, and then squander his own opportunity.

8. Don’t cut your hair short. Or if you do, go to someone who knows what he/she is doing. Otherwise, you’ll look like you are wearing a wig, and you’ll want to burn every picture from this period. The only palatable one looks like this (and that hair is still really bad):

9. Wear clothes that fit. Stop wearing men’s shorts, fat-girl tunic shirts, and anything with pleats. Walk around naked more and stop being so self-conscious. You will miss that body later when you have kids and more closely resemble the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

10. Forget French. Learn Spanish.

11. Don’t let the lack of outdoor space and the two fixer-upper basement apartments scare you away from buying that townhouse on Jones Street. It’s a steal. Trust me.

12. Spend more time with your parents.

13. Practice saying “no” to people who want you to adopt strays. If you don’t, you’ll end up with four cats and four dogs, and everyone thinking you are weird/deranged/stinky.

14. Don’t mix beer with all those Wet Willie’s drinks on St. Patrick’s Day 1993. Seriously.

15. Pay more attention to the cute Puerto Rican in facilities. You’ll be happy you did.

Sincerely,

Self Plus 20

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“So what we got now is Brokeback Mountain!”

June 26, 2010 by Beth

The summer me is so different from the fall, winter and spring me. I wear hats. I don’t wear shoes. I wear T-shirts. I don’t wear makeup. I have plenty of things to do. I don’t have motivation. I didn’t take a shower yesterday until 10 p.m. because I spent most of the day in my bathing suit.

My house is a wreck and I have people coming over tonight. I’m finding it hard to care about cleanliness. Eddie and I have a list of 20 things that have to get done before we have about 40 people at our house next weekend for what we have dubbed “Brokeback Weekend.” It is a reunion of the facilities crew.

There will be tents in my backyard. Tents!

Eddie claims that most of the guys will be sleeping in one large eight-person tent. The ones who stink or snore will be booted to two smaller tents.

He also begged me to buy a small trampoline to insert danger into the act of jumping in the lake. His words: “This will increase the chance of medical attention by at least 50 percent.” Fantastic.

Gideon tests out the Injury Express

While the guys are out threatening each other, wrestling, farting and whatever else a guy herd does, the ladies will be inside wrangling children and enjoying the air conditioning.

And not noticing the layer of dust, I hope. (Cleaning, I do know how to quit you.)

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Depression hurts, but you don’t have to

June 23, 2010 by Beth

Most colleges offer students the opportunity to give feedback on their classes and/or professors. The university for which I work releases the evaluations, which consist of a statistical section and a comments section, roughly two weeks after the end of the quarter.

I await the comments section with excitement laced with crippling fear. People like to be liked, and professors are people too. There is always a comment that makes me so happy I want call my boss and read it to him over the phone.

And then there is the other kind.

There’s always one student who hates my guts, or hates something about the class that I may or may not be able to change. And that negative comment lingers in my mind like the last drunk guest at a house party.

I learn from all the comments, even the ones that make me reach for the Cymbalta. I appreciate the constructive criticism, because I want my classes to be interesting, useful and fun. And I want to keep my job.

Spring quarter’s Cloud Nine comment was this one from a graduate student in the Promotional Writing class:

The case studies & examples of things that are currently happening partnered with student presentations were an excellent tool to utilize.

To the disinterested reader, this may seem like a positive, if pedestrian, comment. But to readers of this blog, this is a sentence that reveals a deliberate attempt to yank my chain (in a good way) by combining four of my pet peeves: ampersands and the words “currently,” “partnered” and “utilize.” Well done!

Spring quarter’s Cymbalta comment was this one from an undergraduate student in the Writing for the Web class:

I really wish she would explain her assignments.

Such an innocuous comment. I could accept it, except that I posted an assignment sheet for every assignment, and each sheet detailed everything I expected and how I would grade the assignment. And I went over each assignment sheet in class. Twice.

Of course, the evaluations are anonymous. I have my suspicions as to who wrote the comment, but I can’t be sure. I practically beg students to talk to me if they have problems in the class or want clarification. I wish the writer of the comment could have elaborated on what, exactly, was lacking because, in my (drunk-littered) mind, I’ve done everything I could possibly do.

Sigh.

Cymbalta, anyone?

Posted in Grammar, etc., Random | Tagged , , , | 10 Comments »

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